When I was about 14 years old, I had a crush on a guy that was my friend. We had som pretty long conversations over the phone, and I could always count on him being honest with me. I don’t remember much from all of the late night conversations we had, but there’s one conversation in particular that I will never forget. It’s the one who broke down my already battered self esteem.
I don’t remember how we got into the subject, but for some reason he told me that he’d overheard some of the guys talk about me. I asked him what they said, and at first he was reluctant to tell me. He did eventually tell me though, and in hindsight I wish he never had.
“The guys think you have a really good looking body, they just wish that they could replace your face.”
My whole life crumbled at that moment. The little self esteem a bullied 14 year old me had vanished. I remember crying in my room after my mom and the rest of the family went to bed. Sobbing as quietly as I could.
For years I only saw myself as “a body”. When I looked in the mirror I could appreciate my shape, but there were so many things I wanted to change when it came to my face. I got into modelling when I turned 18, and that made it even worse after a while. After seeing the photographers photoshop my nose smaller again and again, the complex I already had for my nose grew into a giant monster that was constantly sitting on my shoulders, whispering about how wrong my face was and how I should probably think about doing something about it.
It got to the point where I actually had booked a consultation with a plastic surgeon, but when the day came I just couldn’t bring myself to go.
I was determined to fix it one day though. For years it felt like something I really needed to do sooner or later.
Kids can be so cruel, but often they don’t know the impact their cruelty can have. And I really want to believe that they don’t know that their bullying can change peoples lives for years. The media business is a whole other story for another day.
I feel lucky that I’ve grown to love myself and the way I look. That I’ve learned to appreciate the things that makes me look different. Knowing that I wouldn’t want to live in a world where everyone looked exactly the same.
Do I still have moments where I don’t like what I see? Yes, that monster sometimes returns at weak moments and whispers things when I’m having a bad day.
Do I still want to do something about my nose? No, I have no plans of going through with rhinoplasty. This is the nose that my parents gave me, and this is who I’m supposed to be.
Self love is something that’s very important to me, and something that I’ve written and talked about several times. It’s something we all need to practice more and help each other out with. Self love can be a tough exercise, but we all need to do it and do it more often!
I’m currently taking notes for a few self love videos that I’m hoping to make this fall. I’m excited to be working on something that’s so important to me, and I look forward to sharing it with you guys!
Love yourself and share your love!
Well I’m not planing on strapping on my running shoes and leave everything behind for an unknown amount of time, but I have been getting into running again. I started running again right before my vacation started, and I brought my workout clothes with me so that I could continue on with the good habit even though I’m away from home. And so far I’ve been doing really good. I’ve been out running every day this week, and I can already feel a difference in my pace and endurance.
And one thing that I’ve noticed after I started taking my purple shoes out to get some air more often, is that my writing is flowing more smoothly. I’m very well aware that a healthy body helps out when it comes to a healthy mind as well, but I think the main reason why it’s having such a wonderful impact on my creative process, is this;
When I run, my mind clears up. I move through the forest and my thoughts run off to everywhere and nowhere all at once. It’s a form of meditation. A way to disconnect and silence all the inner voices that I shouldn’t listen to, and to connect with all that is good for me. The deeper into the forest I get, the deeper into my own mind I dive. And in the inner, most silent corners of my mind, I find the important parts. The thoughts that hides away in fear of being seen. The ones that shines brightly as soon as they are lifted out of the dark and into the light.
So that is one of the main reasons why I now drag myself out daily to sweat it out under the trees shadows.
I run because my mind need it. I run because the sounds of nature silence the words of doubt and fear. I run because I love how it makes me feel, and how it makes me write.
When it comes to the summer holiday I don’t really have to go far away to get in the holiday mode at all. I just need to go home, home to my hometown.
Leander and me will be spending some time in Tønsberg/Nøtterøy and have some quality time with our family. And it feels so good to just take a break from our home and go to visit another one of our homes.
You all know how much I enjoy my travelling, and crave that feeling of jumping on a plane and going off on a new adventure, but sometimes it just feels good to go back to places you know and love.
I’m pretty sure I’ve written a post every summer about how wonderful Tønsberg is in the summer time, and I wouldn’t be surprised if a similar post ends up here this year as well.
So right now I’m taking a break. Not from writing, reading and filming, but a break from everyday life. And a much needed one at that!
Hope you’re all having a wonderful summer so far!