November 2017 – Christina de Vries

I think I’m broken…

If you asked anyone in my closest group of friends to point out which one of us that has the most “Christmas Spirit”, I’m pretty sure all fingers would point in my direction. I’m the kind of person that usually starts to listen to Christmas music and watch Christmas movies in October. The Christmas tree and most of the decorations are already in place in good time before December has even started. Walking through the Winter Wonderland they set up in central Oslo usually makes me all giddy and have me walking around with a big smile on my face. I love Christmas. Always have.

This year though, something is different. We just passed midnight here in Norway and it is now officially December 1st.

Have I watched a single Christmas movie?

Nope

Do I play my Christmas list on Spotify every day and sing along?

Nope

Is there a single piece of Christmas decoration up in my apartment? Come on! There must be!?

The answer is…

No….

I walked through Winter Wonderland a couple of days ago, waiting for that warm, fuzzy and giddy feeling to come over me, but it was nowhere to be found.

What I’m about to tell you is something that I don’t like to admit, but here it goes:

For the first time EVER, I’m not excited about Christmas.

Don’t get me wrong, I do look forward to spending time with my family. It’s all of the other stuff that I just can’t seem to get excited about this year. This is not a feeling that I like. I want to feel the joy of it. To have fun making meaningful presents and decorating my home. Maybe the reason why I miss it so much is the fact that it’s such a well known part of my personality. It’s a part of who I’ve always been.

I think my Christmas Spirit might be broken..

I’m not giving up just yet though. I’ve promised myself to take me out on a Christmas date soon. And when I’m done wining and dining myself, I will take me home and cuddle up on the couch with something hot in my cup and then I’m going to bring out the big guns.

We’re talking Home Alone, The Grinch that Stole Christmas, Elf and The Polar Express.

If that doesn’t do it, then I’m not sure what will!

Wish me luck 🙈

Went Back to Refuel!

The past weekend I went back to my hometown to visit my family, and to celebrate my birthday. As soon as we got on the bus, I could feel myself relax a bit more and being able to let go of a lot of the tension I’ve been struggling with the last couple of weeks.

And when I got the first hug when we arrived, I realised just how much I needed to get out of Oslo and back home to refuel. I’ve been thinking that I needed to go away to somewhere new to get some new impulses and inspiration, and although I still feel the need for that as well, going home made a big difference.

Just to be surrounded by family and their love was very much needed. And I could feel the motivation to get back to creating slowly coming back to me. I’ve been writing a lot, but no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get back in front of the camera for a video. Finally, that changed!

My mom and stepdad got me a Canon EOS 200D, the very camera that I’ve been saving up to eventually buy. I was all shaky hands and teary eyes when I opened it up, and it took a while for me to actually believe that it was real. But there it was! The one I’ve been wanting, and then the rush of creative lust came over me.

Sometimes it’s really hard to get back on track with creating when I’ve been gone for a little a while, and it’s been especially hard this time around. Because of that, the relief I felt when the want to create came back, it was borderline overwhelming.

And now I’m excited, and a little nervous. The YouTube break has come to an end. Tomorrow I will sit my ass down in front of my new glorious camera, and I will once again do more of what I love to do!

I am so grateful for the presents, for the love and for the conversations this past weekend. It gave me more than I ever could have imagined. And I had no idea just how much I needed it.

Friendship isn’t a big thing…

One thing that always overwhelm me whenever I’m having a hard time (and am willing to admit it) is how much love I have in my life. I wouldn’t say that I have a lot of friends, but I do have a few and the ones that are closest to me are so warmhearted and they give so much of themselves.

I’m so lucky to be surrounded by people with so much love to give. Friends that will cry together with me, as well as roll around on the floor laughing till we almost pee our pants. And I will do the same for them. This is something I wish for everyone to have in their life. And it’s not important to collect many of these friends, but to hold on to and nourish those friendships that are true. I know it isn’t always easy. I’ve done the mistake of forgetting to take care of my friendships several times, and so have they. At times it’s easy to get wrapped up in everything that’s going on in your own life, and hard to move outside of ones own bubble. It’s just the way it is. But we always end up with a reminder. Something that bursts the bubble and shows us how important all of the things outside of it really is.

And if there’s one thing the last week has been a reminder of for me, it’s how much love I have in my life. How much I love those dorky and wonderful friends of mine. And above all; how grateful I am for them loving me back.

Thank you for the warm thoughts and wishes, for the shoulders to cry on, the bad jokes, the late nights, the phone calls and the warm hugs. You guys are the best and I love you more than words can say!

Friendship isn’t a big thing – It’s a million little things ❤️

Walk It Off!

Whenever my mind feels a bit too full and in need of a break, there’s always one thing that helps it to calm down and get things sorted a little. That one thing is going for a walk.

Lately (as you guys know) my mind has been a bit all over the place, and at times it felt like it was just spread as thin as it could possibly get. I knew it was time to do something about that. Needed to get back into the good routines that I used to have. Or maybe it was just time for some new ones.

Then I had a thought. The place where I’m working now is one that I always take public transportation to and from. First I take the subway, and then I change over to a bus. It takes me about 30 minutes from the moment I walk out the door, depending on the traffic. But how long would it take me to walk?

So I sat down and started looking at different routes recommended by Google Maps, and found that it didn’t look so bad. I hadn’t really decided that I was going to actually do this until the morning on my birthday (two days ago) when I got up at 5 am and started my day off with 20 minutes of meditation. Just to get such a good start to the day made me highly motivated to try to make more out of the day, and I decided to take the walk.

The 8 km walk (5 miles) took me about an hour and a half, and it felt so good! My mind felt so much calmer and clearer by the time I got to work, and I held a steady pace for the whole walk, so it counts as a bit of good exercise as well! My best friend Kirsti picked me up after work for our Birthday Pyjama Date, so I didn’t walk home that day. Wednesday I had a day off work, but today however I thought it was time to do the walk both to and from, and I did!

Now I’m not saying that walking fixes everything. My brain is constantly filled with way too much that goes on at the same time, but the walking helps me to sort it. To be able to be on the move, and at one with my thoughts, it just makes it so much easier to see the difference between the important thoughts and the unnecessary ones. To differ between voices and noise.

I don’t think that I will be walking to and from work every day, but from now on, I will definitely do it more often.

There’s something so very therapeutic about going for a walk, and I sure as hell needed it! Most of us could, from time to time.

The Word is GROWTH!

After a lot of pondering and thinking about how I want the upcoming year to be, and what I want to focus on, it became quite clear that there was one thing that was very present in all of them, and that is personal growth.

I have a lot of ambitions and things that I want to accomplish in the near future. And I think that all of our experiences while on the road to our goals are paths of growth. Some happen unintentionally and some we search for. I know I’ve done my fair share of intentional personal growth over the last year and a half, and I’ve learned so much. Now I want to take it even further.

I want to dive deeper, focus harder and step out of the comfort zone even more often.

I turned 30 yesterday, and a couple of days ago I wrote about how I set a word for the year that I was 29. That word was EXPERIENCES. The word for 30 will be GROWTH.

Yesterday I started making a list of the things that I want to learn and do, and the places I would like to go. It is not done yet, but it’s getting there. It’s one that I will put up somewhere in my apartment where I will see it often, so that I won’t lose my focus.

At this very moment, I’d like to keep the list to myself. This is one that I’ve made just for me, but I will tell you more about it at a later time.

Even though I’m not sharing the details of this list quite yet, I can still promise you that I’m going to bring you guys along for the ride of this year. And this right here; my very own spot online is a very big part of it all.

Let’s go on some new adventures together! I have a feeling that this year is going to be a very important and interesting one ☺️

This is the Hurt that I’m Feeling

I didn’t plan on going into my thirties with a broken heart, but here I am. Life takes twists and turns all of the time, and sometimes they hurt. And no matter how right it is, it’s still painful.

I’m turning 30 tomorrow, and I’m not one to worry about age. I don’t really care about that number to be honest. What I care about is where I’m at this very moment. And right now that place is a bit unclear.

On my last birthday, someone very dear to me asked me to define my upcoming year as 29 with one word. The word I chose was “Experiences”. And it turned out that I chose my word well.

My year as 29 was filled with interesting and new experiences.

I stepped out of my comfort zone a lot.

I travelled to new places, and familiar places.

I learned new things, and found new passions.

I met some wonderful people, some I got to know really well. Some I had to say goodbye to.

I fell in love, and I got my heart broken. Not intentionally by that person, but sometimes love just doesn’t work out the way that we want to. And if there’s one thing that will always be the truth, it is that we can’t control who we love, or how much we love them. And every time we go through that, it’s another experience as well. And what I might be most grateful for right now, is the falling. To get to experience to fall completely in love with someone again, no matter how painful it turned out, it was a wonderful reminder. I got to feel something that I wasn’t sure was even possible anymore. And for that I’m utterly and completely grateful! And in time when the healing really sets in, I will be able to cherish that even more than I do right now.

This is the hurt that I’m feeling, but I am not the pain.

This will take time, but that doesn’t mean that time have to stand still.

This is where I’m broken, but the cracks are where the sun will shine through.

For a time now, the hurting and the healing will walk hand in hand, supporting each other when it’s needed. And although a broken heart is a clear sign of an ending, it is also the promise of new beginnings.

I’m going into my thirties with a chapter that has no beginning yet. And it’s time I start to write it. And I think I’m going to start with one word. I have not chosen my word for the next year yet, but I will in time for tomorrow.