I moved on, but there’s still love.

After the pain of a breakup or a fallout from a relationship, whether it’s a longterm one or “just” dating for a while, there will come times where the pain will resurface.

Moving on doesn’t mean that you stop loving the person. For me, when I move on from a relationship where there’s been love involved, the love doesn’t necessarily go away. I think that true love, for both lovers and friends, means that you want the best for that person, no matter if that involves you or not. And in the cases of unrequited love especially, there’s that part of me that wants nothing but happiness for the other person even though it hurts like hell knowing that I won’t be a part of that happiness.

Time heals, but after the moving on from what ended, it can still be painful to watch the lover of the past move on with someone else. To see that look in their eyes that used to be so familiar, being sent someone else’s way can be hard. To know that the fingers that used to intertwine with yours are now getting to know the feel of another hand. That the lips you used to kiss are kissed by someone else. It can feel a bit like ripping up an old wound. It’s kind of like looking at a mirror that’s just off. One that shows part of what you remember and also part of what you thought the future would look like.

A little while ago I experienced just that. I was the witness of someone that was a big part of my life obviously moving on with someone new. They looked so happy together. They looked like there was no one else in the world but the two of them.

As I looked at them I was so happy for the two, but I also felt like something split open inside of me. I felt a whole range of emotions in such a short period of time, and I was completely overwhelmed and unprepared for it.

So, I did what I normally do when I encounter moments where I find myself a bit lost. I took time to myself, both alone and with people that I love and trust. I was very mindful of everything I felt. I wrote, a lot. And I processed.

I don’t have the answers to why we feel like we do, or what the right path to go is, but here’s where my thoughts gathered:

Even though I moved on, there’s still love.

Even though there’s still love, doesn’t mean that I want you back.

Even though I don’t want you back, I want you to be happy. 

And even though I’m happy for you, it still might hurt.

All the best, that’s my wish for you, and for me❤️

 

Booktube-a-thon 2018 📚 TBR

Let’s Laugh More!

On Friday I was at a birthday party and I was sitting with my childhood friend, talking about life. We’ve talked a little lately about the kind of humor that we think is reserved for people who’ve been friends for years and years. There’s just something about having grown up together that makes you know each other so well that you know exactly what you can joke about or not, no matter how nonpolitically correct it may seem to others.

Because of our talks about this, I’ve been thinking a lot about laughing lately. About that wonderful feeling of just letting a laugh break free. And one thing that I wasn’t really aware of how much I was missing had stuck in my brain. I looked at my best friend in the whole world and I said:

“You know what I wish for more of in my life? I wish for more of those moments where you laugh so hard that you can’t stand up straight. Those moments where you’re unable to stop laughing, the tears start to come and you’re almost afraid you’re going to piss yourself!”

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had those laughing fits as an adult too, but not nearly as often as I did as a kid. I laugh a lot, and I have so much fun with my friends and my family, so why don’t these fits come along more often?

And my wonderful soulmate of a friend just looked at me and said:

“We’ll just have to make those moments come! I think we need to do more! Just get out there and try more new things and be even more childish!”

And we did act more like our childlike selves that evening! I had so much fun ❤️

Then today, when I was thinking more about this, I went through old photos on the search of frozen memories of laughter, and I found out there’s quite a lot. And even though I wish for more laughter in my laugh, I’m sitting here, grinning and being so extremely grateful for having the wonderful people that I do have in my laugh that makes me laugh as much as they do. I hope I bring as much laughter into their lives as they bring into mine ❤️

So let’s not be so serious! Let’s laugh more!

An Off Day

We all have them. I don’t get them that often, but today is one of them.

I consider myself quite the happy, grateful and positive person, but sometimes the negativity of the world will overwhelm me to the point where I just have to take a break.

I’ve found through the years that being a positive person in a negative world (at times) can be very draining and challenging. I wouldn’t want to be any other way, because life is too short to not try to make the best out of it, to not try our best to have a positive outlook on our future, to not work for a brighter and better future. Even so, being a positive and creative soul is hard at times. Being a romantic is even harder. And brushing off all the negativity that people carelessly throw around can feel impossible. So some days I find myself so completely numb and overwhelmed. My thoughts and ideas are working overdrive. My energy just falls apart and I can’t seem to create anything, even though I have a head full of ideas and plans.

This doesn’t happen too often, and I tend to isolate myself a bit whenever it does. Why? Maybe because I feel like it’s not really a good representation of the person that I am most of the time. Then again, this is a part of me, and I shouldn’t be holding that back.

How do I get out of it? Well, over the years I’ve found what works for me. When I feel the off day is getting a hold of me, I usually take a break. I lock the door, turn off the lights, pour myself a couple of glasses of Laphroaig or tea (depending on what I feel like having), I write, I listen to music, I cry, and I get a good nights sleep. Usually, that’s the reboot that I need, and the next morning, everything just feels a little bit better and back to normal.

So to all of you that are having an off day today, I just want you to know that you’re not alone. It happens to all of us, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Take the time that you need to get back on track. It’s totally okay to not be okay all of the time ❤️

 

NOT on a positive note!

For those of you who’s been following me for a while, you know that I like to keep things positive and motivational here in my little corner of the web. And although I have every intention of keeping that up, there are days where I just can’t! Days like today, where I’m honestly just f**king tired of some things. So, I made a little list.

• I’m tired of cheesy, nasty and downright inappropriate messages. Just because I’m single, that doesn’t give you the right to send pictures of your penis, declaration of horniness, or to get angry when I tell you exactly that. Yesterday I got a message from someone who made the worst joke about how he was looking for a girl that needed the f**k of her life because he just found out that his dad was “probably dying” from cancer, and he wanted to live life to the fullest. Really?! How low! It just had me speechless. Please guys, just don’t be that guy!!
• I’m tired of Norwegians who’ve been complaining about the cold weather all winter that is now complaining about the warm weather! Come on! Just enjoy it! You travel to places for this kind of heat, and now that you get it here, it’s not good enough for you? We haven’t had a summer like this in YEARS, so just make the most out of it while you can! Take those clothes off, go for a swim, eat ice cream and be grateful!
• I’m tired of customers who think that their time is more valuable than mine. We’re all humans and we all have lives that are important to us. Please, don’t forget that I have a life outside of my workplace. I’m not a robot who’s here to cater to every and all of your needs. I will gladly help you, that is my job, but if you start to treat me as something less than an equal, that’s not okay. Pretty sure your parents taught you better than that!
• Let me not even get started on stupid clickbait news titles! Ugh! I know it’s summer and there’s not that much to write about, but I’m pretty sure that there are more interesting things out there than “How to know when you should get divorced!”, “This is how you find a boyfriend!” and “What you should really eat to lose weight!”. Be better than that! Write about something that actually matters!

There. That’s it! That’s a tiny list and a rant about things I’m tired of at the moment.

I won’t apologize for it, but I will promise that my next post will be more on the positive note 😊

June 2018 📚 Wrap Up

A Love Letter of Sorts

To the one that started it all

You were the first. The one that I compared everyone to for years. I’m pretty sure you never really understood how much I loved you, and I’m even more sure that it was completely unfair to everyone that was ever compared to you.

I never really had you, but still, I looked for you in the eyes of others. I tried to taste you on other people’s lips, but you were nowhere to be found. Eventually, I managed to let go, but there’s still a special place in my heart for you. There always will be.

You were the first one I fell head over heels in love with, and nothing will ever be exactly like that. First love is hard, painful and messy, but also beautiful in its own way.

I love that we still stay in touch, and even though we didn’t get a happily ever after, I made a friend for life. 

I love you 💛

To the one I wronged

I’m so sorry! You didn’t deserve that, and no matter how many times I apologize, it will not change the past. Never the less, let me say it again; I’m sorry.

I heard you got married, and you now have a family of your own. I’m so happy for you, and I wish you all the best💛

To the one that steered me

You came into my life when I was at the start of a big journey. You broke me, but you also steered me in the right direction. I’m forever more cautious with my heart because of you, but I’m also eternally grateful for the help to find the road that got me to where I am today.

I spent a lot of time feeling hurt because of all that happened between us, and also a lot of time was spent growing and learning to love myself as much as I hoped that you would have loved me. 

I appreciate the apology you sent my way. It was good for me to finally get some real closure. 

People come into our lives to teach us, or to learn from us. I think we learned from each other. 

I hope you find the one that you thought for a moment that I was. I hope your path will take you to the most magical places, and I want you to know that even though you taught me how to let go, I will always be here for you 💛

To the one who played the part

Thinking back to what we had and what we were (if we really were anything) is still painful. Until I met you, I wasn’t even sure if I could really fall in love again. I was on the road to giving up, but there you were. 

You looked at me like no man had ever done. There was something in your eyes, and in the way you acted, that made me so sure that we were in the same place. I took down all my walls for you, and I fell head over heels. I was so sure that you felt the same way. 

But I was so wrong and to this day I’m not even sure if you only fooled me, or if you were fooling yourself at the same time. I kind of hope that it’s the latter, because if I was the only one fooled then that’s just pure cruelty. I want to believe that you’re better than that.

You played the part perfectly though, I’ll give you that. 

My walls are stronger now, maybe even higher, because of you. There’s a doubt that’s grounded in me, and I can’t seem to let go of it, even though I did let go of you. 

I’m grateful for knowing that I can fall as hard as that again, but I’m equally terrified. You did that. 

I forgive you, but I will never forget it💛

To the one that disappeared

You were very unexpected. Suddenly you were in my life, and you seemed so happy to be there. You made me hopeful and excited for what was to come. 

And then you disappeared. Like a ghost, you were just gone. The only thing left was a whisper of all the words that were said and all the questions I was left with. 

I have no idea what happened, and I guess I probably never will. I thought you were better than that. I thought you were different. 

After we’d been on a couple of dates I wrote in my journal that I was very grateful for meeting you, but I also wrote that being optimistic about love was really hard. 

This is why.

I hope you’re happy, wherever you are, and whatever it is that you’re doing now. I also hope that you never ghost another girl like you ghosted me. That shit is painful and so childish. Be better than that 💛

To the ones I have not met yet

You are all faces, stories, and pasts I haven’t gotten to know yet. If I seem a bit scared at first, it’s because I am. I don’t know who of you will stay, or who will go. I have no way of knowing who’s steering, who’s acting, who might just disappear without a reason, or who might actually want to share a future. 

I don’t know if you are here for a few seconds, minutes, hours, weeks, months or years. And I guess that’s part of the beauty of it. I will not ask you to make impossible promises. I will not ask you to promise to never leave. 

But there is something I want to ask of you. No, I’m not asking, I’m begging. 

Please, be kind.

Please, be honest.

Please, be you and nothing else💛