If Only We Could Replace Your Face

When I was about 14 years old, I had a crush on a guy that was my friend. We had som pretty long conversations over the phone, and I could always count on him being honest with me. I don’t remember much from all of the late night conversations we had, but there’s one conversation in particular that I will never forget. It’s the one who broke down my already battered self esteem.

I don’t remember how we got into the subject, but for some reason he told me that he’d overheard some of the guys talk about me. I asked him what they said, and at first he was reluctant to tell me. He did eventually tell me though, and in hindsight I wish he never had.

“The guys think you have a really good looking body, they just wish that they could replace your face.”

My whole life crumbled at that moment. The little self esteem a bullied 14 year old me had vanished. I remember crying in my room after my mom and the rest of the family went to bed. Sobbing as quietly as I could.

For years I only saw myself as “a body”. When I looked in the mirror I could appreciate my shape, but there were so many things I wanted to change when it came to my face. I got into modelling when I turned 18, and that made it even worse after a while. After seeing the photographers photoshop my nose smaller again and again, the complex I already had for my nose grew into a giant monster that was constantly sitting on my shoulders, whispering about how wrong my face was and how I should probably think about doing something about it.

It got to the point where I actually had booked a consultation with a plastic surgeon, but when the day came I just couldn’t bring myself to go.

I was determined to fix it one day though. For years it felt like something I really needed to do sooner or later.

Kids can be so cruel, but often they don’t know the impact their cruelty can have. And I really want to believe that they don’t know that their bullying can change peoples lives for years. The media business is a whole other story for another day.

I feel lucky that I’ve grown to love myself and the way I look. That I’ve learned to appreciate the things that makes me look different. Knowing that I wouldn’t want to live in a world where everyone looked exactly the same.

Do I still have moments where I don’t like what I see? Yes, that monster sometimes returns at weak moments and whispers things when I’m having a bad day.

Do I still want to do something about my nose? No, I have no plans of going through with rhinoplasty. This is the nose that my parents gave me, and this is who I’m supposed to be.

Self love is something that’s very important to me, and something that I’ve written and talked about several times. It’s something we all need to practice more and help each other out with. Self love can be a tough exercise, but we all need to do it and do it more often!

I’m currently taking notes for a few self love videos that I’m hoping to make this fall. I’m excited to be working on something that’s so important to me, and I look forward to sharing it with you guys!

Love yourself and share your love!

This is Where I Write – POEM

In the corner of a hidden smile

At the end of a falling tear

The beginning of a question mark 

Underneath the clothes I wear

*

Half awake and always dreaming

Never lost, but still unfound

In between colours, black and white

Wings spread wide and roots in the ground

*

For all to see, for none to know

Visible in the dark, hidden by light

Everywhere and nowhere all at once 

Here is where I roam, this is where I write

*

©Christina de Vries – Geek Heaven

The Mourning of Lost Love

A few weeks ago I watched Jason Silva talk about “The Rhapsody and Agony of Love” in this Shots of Awe video, and there was something he said that really stuck with me with me.

“What the fuck do we do? I’m still mourning. I’m still grieving for every love that I lost. How the fuck am I supposed to get over that? I didn’t sign up for these terms!”

Those words kept me up for hours after I should’ve gone to sleep. Anyone who knows me well (or read this blog for that matter) will know that I’m a hopeless romantic. I believe in the magic of love, and the power it has to change lives. I’ve loved and lost, and when it comes to being grateful as well as mourning lost love, I wrote a post about that not so long ago. You can find it here. 

What I haven’t talked about so often, but something that’s been a growing feeling I’ve had for a while now is that of uncertainty when it comes to relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe in love and romance, and I’m pretty sure I will fall in love again someday. But do I believe in happily ever after in relationships? I’m not so sure.

I’ve frequently been joking around with my friends, telling them that I’ve grown so comfortable with being alone that I fear I’ll never end up living together with someone again. I know that sounds pessimistic, but it really isn’t. This is a not a post for me to whine and rant about unavailable love. It’s more about the realisation that the fantasy of the one true love that so many live and breathe, isn’t a one size fits all kind of thing. It’s the idea that we might have to rethink the way we see relationships.. It’s the fact that I’ve been through the ups and downs of the wrong relationships, fallen in love with some amazing people that I’ve had to say goodbye to, I’ve had my heart broken and I’ve broken some along the way. Most of all, it’s the fact that I’m almost thirty years old now, I have a son and don’t want more kids, have no desire to gett married, and I refuse to just settle because “that’s what everyone does”.

I want to be blown away by love, but I’m not looking for perfection. Right now I’m not really looking for anything in particular, but if love should cross my path and swipe me off my feet, then I’m willing to give it a chance. My big heart might be full of cracks and scars, but it’s still open. It’s open for the possibilities of the future. And yet, I’m also slowing coming to terms with the idea that relationships just might not be the thing for me. Who knows. I guess I’ll just have to take it all as it comes and see what happens.

London, My Dear London!

It’s one of the hardest things to watch someone you love hurting. Especially when you know that there’s really not much you can do to make it go away, except for being there and trying to ease the pain.

When the news hit Oslo about the London Bridge terror, I was out having a few drinks with colleagues. At first we didn’t really know what was going on, and we hoped that it wasn’t as bad as we feared. Knowing we couldn’t do anything from the distance away that we were, we tried not to obsess over the news and continue on with our pleasant night out. It is safe to say that it wasn’t an easy task, but we managed to steer the conversation to other subjects and so the night went on. I left central Oslo to go home earlier than I planned. My party spirit had left the building.

Sitting on the bus on my way home, surrounded by drunks and lovers, I started reading the news once again. What met me on the screen made my insides twist and my heart ache.

Oh London, my sweet dear London, haven’t you hurt enough by now? Not only have you been struck several times, but your nearest and dearest that surrounds you was struck as well.

I got home and fell into a restless sleep, but have no recollection of my dreams. Maybe it is just as well.

The next morning I hurried out the door to catch my bus down to my hometown to visit family. I watched the news as I sat there on my way to the people I love. One news reporter after the other talked into their cameras from the same spots, and the blood drained from my face. I knew that spot. Borough Market, why hadn’t I recognised the name the night before? It is right next to the hostel that I stayed in when I traveled to London both in February and when I got stranded because of the British Airways disruption. I walked passed that market several times a day, just under a week before this happened.

“You never know. It could have just as easily have been you.”

My mom said to me as we talked about what had happened. And she was right. We never know when something like this will happen. It could just as easily happen to you or me, as anyone else.

“You shouldn’t go back for a while.”

This is where we disagreed! I will admit that every time something like this happens, I get angry. I get confused by how someone could find it in their hearts to justify something like this. But most of all, I get scared.

No matter how scared though, I will not let them take travelling away from me. I will not let them take London away from me. London has always felt like a home away from home, and I won’t let them take my home away from me.

In times like this, we need to focus on the love and not the hate or the fear. And this is why I promise you, my sweet dear London, that I will be back soon!

I love you London, and even though I’m far away, my heart and thoughts are with you and with everyone else who holds you dear.

 

Let’s make new memories!

I’m currently at Oslo Airport Gardermoen, having breakfast and doing a bit of writing while I’m waiting for boarding to open. Last time I wrote a post from the same place as now, I was headed to London. This plane is bringing me to London too, but this time around I have a transfer flight for a much longer trip. This time I’m headed to somewhere I haven’t been before to see someone I haven’t seen in a long time!

I’m headed to Austin, Texas!

It feels like forever since the last time I was onboard a plane, even though it’s only been a little over three months. That urge to travel is just growing and growing, and I’m very excited to finally be back at an airport, knowing that I’m about to head somewhere new. There’s something so utterly special about the airport atmosphere. It’s like you can feel the excitement in the air, radiating from all the other travellers. And that very feeling feeds me with energy and creativity. I write a lot when I’m at home, but the urge to put words onto paper/screen grows so much stronger the minute I’m on the go and surrounded by other adventurers who are headed to all kinds of places!

Traveling with British Airways will be a new experience for me as well (I don’t think I’ve ever traveled with them) and one thing I’m really curious about, is the food they’ll serve. I’ve requested vegan/vegetarian on my flights and from what I’ve heard it’s usually either a hit or miss. Crossing my fingers for a hit!

My camera is along for the ride, and there will be a Texas video up on my YouTube channel when I get home.

Wish you all a wonderful Thursday and hope you get to go on your own adventure, even if it’s just a minor one! Go out there and make some new memories to treasure!

Bon Voyage!

 

Finally Reunited!!

I finally posted a video a couple of days ago, and it feels really good to finally be back on track (almost) with my creative projects. The video I posted was filmed before I took my long break. During that break my camera just died on me. I felt kind of naked, not having my camera along with me whenever I was out and about. Bringing it along has become more like a habit after I started to vlog. I tried filming a bit with my phone, but the sound and the video quality wasn’t nearly as good as I wanted it to be, so I pretty much gave that up.

I sent my beloved Sony A5000 away to get fixed, dreading the possibility that it might not be covered by my warranty. Luckily it was! They had to replace the motherboard to revive it.

Today I got the text that I’ve been impatiently waiting for! My camera was back and ready to be picked up. I rushed over there after work and now we are finally reunited once again! We have lots of exciting and creative plans, and we’re going on some awesome trips soon as well! I can’t wait to finally start filming again! So much so that I’m actually charging it now while enjoying some coldbrew coffee and doing some writing. When I’m done with that, I’m taking my camera for a celebratory walk in Oslo to get some new footage. I can’t wait!!

Hope you’re all having a wonderful day!

Soul Pampering!

On Sunday Kaya and I had a very lazy start to the day. We sat on her balcony and soaked up the warm and sunny weather that came to Oslo for a short visit. We had coffee, breakfast and long conversations. We also did a bit of pampering with a face mask. It’s nice to treat oneself to a bit of pamper time once in a while. But while I was sitting there with my face covered in a black mask that was drying up and making it hard to talk naturally, it got me thinking.

So many are constantly trying to make time to pamper and prep our appearances. Face masks, foot masks, pedicures, manicures, hair coloring, waxing and on and on. The amount of time and money that some people put into trying to look their very best is truly fascinating and more than a bit frightening. The idea that drives this (for the most part) seems to be that as long as you can get to where you want to be physically, then you’ll be fine mentally. I call bullshit!

There’s no denying that a lot of what we do physically affects our mind. Workouts, meditations, the food and drinks we consume, the places we travel etc. But these things I would consider as soul pampering. These are things that have direct links to our health and our souls. That french manicure does not, even though it makes your hand look cute and could easily boost a bit of your self-esteem, it doesn’t fix the tremble you might have from anxiety. That new hair color will make you smile a bit more when you look at yourself in the mirror, and bring lots compliments from others, but it will not sort all the chaos that might go on underneath it. That new dress makes you look like a movie star, and maybe he’ll look at you that way you like, but it will not the cure the itch you might feel whenever you’re stressed out of your mind.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t pamper yourself! I do it myself and it feels amazing! I’m just saying that we shouldn’t be fooled into thinking that working hard to be perfect on the outside is the key to feeling good on the inside.

Stay healthy and mindful. Take time to pamper your soul and listen to your heart. You can even do it while wearing a face mask! Spoil your soul with all the love that it deserves! Confidence and happiness will shine through and be easy to notice.

Take care of yourself mindfully. Anything will look good on a happy soul!

 

Single with Love!

‘I know you enjoy being single and all, but don’t you miss love?’

She looked at me with judgemental eyes that were way easier to read than she probably wanted them to be.

‘Who says I don’t have love?’

When did not being in a relationship automatically become the same as lonely and without love? Just because I don’t share my rent with another person, suddenly I have no love in my life?

What a load of bullshit!

I’ve been single for almost a year now, and during that period of time I’ve met some amazing people. I’ve shared time and love with both men and women. Some are still in my life and some not. But they all have one thing in common; They’ve added something new to my life. They’ve helped me grow as a person. And through getting to know them, I also got to know myself a little better.

I have people in my life who’ve been there for many years. Friends I can’t even picture my life without. My best friends are my soulmates. The ones that I call when I need a shoulder to cry on, someone to laugh with or just to be distracted from my own thoughts. They are part of my roots, and no matter how far my lives branches stretch, they will always be connected to the those exact roots. Sometimes branches snap, but that doesn’t mean that they’re permanently broken. Over time a new branch will grow, and it will take a different shape than it had the last time around, but will still carry forth the most amazing leaves.

Some people didn’t stay around for that long. Some because they didn’t want to. Some because they couldn’t. I still love and miss them all. Because love is so much more than sharing your bed and your bills. Love is about connecting with people. It’s about growth and about being present.

Have I gotten my heart broken? Sure! Many times. Do I still love them? Absolutely!

The love might not be the same as it was, but it still lingers, like a distant memory. Because even if our relationship might change, it still contributed to my life and to the way that I love.

The beauty of cracks in a big heart is that even though it might bleed, the sunshine and warmth have more openings to enter through. I choose to be grateful for the love that I’ve experienced.

We fear the word love for being something that changes everything, but should we?  It’s been a long time since I feared the word love. Maybe I just love differently? Maybe it’s because I don’t believe in love being reserved for “the one”?

I like to say that I have too much love to give, for me to sit around and wait for one recipient. Because it’s better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all!

So to all of you wonderful people who’ve made my life to what it is today:

I love you!