Backtracking to Make New Memories

There are places, sounds, smells, and sensations that are linked to not only specific timeframes and memories but also to people and feelings. Places in particular that I avoided for a long time because they were just too painful to revisit. And when I first started to go back, I saw the past everywhere.

I saw his face, the way he looked at me, and I could almost feel the way he’d touched me. I could taste the food we’d shared, smell the snow even though it was gone, hear the music and his voice. It hit me like a giant wave of the past. I felt everything all over again, and for a while, it was almost too much for me. I felt like I was invading on spaces that no longer belonged to me.

But as time went by and wounds healed, things changed. The waves turned into splashes, then heavy drops, and finally no more than a drizzle. And by then I saw so much more than I had before. I was revisiting the now of the places, and not the past. I was experiencing the moments that I was in, not all that once was.

Little by little, the places that felt like belonged to something once lost, started to feel like my own. In my backtracking, I found new spots, new faces, new smells, and new sounds. I made new memories that made me smile in places that used to bring nothing but tears.

It’s like repainting a canvas. Making new patterns out of those who are already there. And as I backtrack and make new stories in old places, I’m learning to love them in a totally new and different way.

Sometimes, journeys go backward a little before they can move on, but that does not make it any less of a journey❤️

An Off Day

We all have them. I don’t get them that often, but today is one of them.

I consider myself quite the happy, grateful and positive person, but sometimes the negativity of the world will overwhelm me to the point where I just have to take a break.

I’ve found through the years that being a positive person in a negative world (at times) can be very draining and challenging. I wouldn’t want to be any other way, because life is too short to not try to make the best out of it, to not try our best to have a positive outlook on our future, to not work for a brighter and better future. Even so, being a positive and creative soul is hard at times. Being a romantic is even harder. And brushing off all the negativity that people carelessly throw around can feel impossible. So some days I find myself so completely numb and overwhelmed. My thoughts and ideas are working overdrive. My energy just falls apart and I can’t seem to create anything, even though I have a head full of ideas and plans.

This doesn’t happen too often, and I tend to isolate myself a bit whenever it does. Why? Maybe because I feel like it’s not really a good representation of the person that I am most of the time. Then again, this is a part of me, and I shouldn’t be holding that back.

How do I get out of it? Well, over the years I’ve found what works for me. When I feel the off day is getting a hold of me, I usually take a break. I lock the door, turn off the lights, pour myself a couple of glasses of Laphroaig or tea (depending on what I feel like having), I write, I listen to music, I cry, and I get a good nights sleep. Usually, that’s the reboot that I need, and the next morning, everything just feels a little bit better and back to normal.

So to all of you that are having an off day today, I just want you to know that you’re not alone. It happens to all of us, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Take the time that you need to get back on track. It’s totally okay to not be okay all of the time ❤️

 

On the Mend ● POEM

All around was chaos

She searched but could not find

The feelings she remembered

The quiet in her mind

☼

Lost in streets familiar

Places she should know

Now there’s only strangers

In places she won’t go

☼

Curled up in the lonely

She tries to find her way

Wishing for a guiding sign

Back to a brighter day

☼

Tiny whispers in the dark

Said this is not the end

You are not forever lost

But you are on the mend

●

©Christina de Vries

 

The Veil ● POEM

Surrounded by ruins of past love

Her walls built then shattered

Over and over again

Now they were too heavy to lift

The pieces no longer fit together

They were broken

She was bruised

So instead of trying to build

A wall filled with cracks

She wrapped herself in layers

Of protective veil 

Spun out of memories and reminders

Through them she could still see

Her fingers still touch

Her lips still taste

And slowly over time

The bruises healed

Veils melted into skin

And she spun herself a new one

With room to spare

For future love 

For them to share

●

©Christina de Vries

 

Friendship isn’t a big thing…

One thing that always overwhelm me whenever I’m having a hard time (and am willing to admit it) is how much love I have in my life. I wouldn’t say that I have a lot of friends, but I do have a few and the ones that are closest to me are so warmhearted and they give so much of themselves.

I’m so lucky to be surrounded by people with so much love to give. Friends that will cry together with me, as well as roll around on the floor laughing till we almost pee our pants. And I will do the same for them. This is something I wish for everyone to have in their life. And it’s not important to collect many of these friends, but to hold on to and nourish those friendships that are true. I know it isn’t always easy. I’ve done the mistake of forgetting to take care of my friendships several times, and so have they. At times it’s easy to get wrapped up in everything that’s going on in your own life, and hard to move outside of ones own bubble. It’s just the way it is. But we always end up with a reminder. Something that bursts the bubble and shows us how important all of the things outside of it really is.

And if there’s one thing the last week has been a reminder of for me, it’s how much love I have in my life. How much I love those dorky and wonderful friends of mine. And above all; how grateful I am for them loving me back.

Thank you for the warm thoughts and wishes, for the shoulders to cry on, the bad jokes, the late nights, the phone calls and the warm hugs. You guys are the best and I love you more than words can say!

Friendship isn’t a big thing – It’s a million little things ❤️

Walk It Off!

Whenever my mind feels a bit too full and in need of a break, there’s always one thing that helps it to calm down and get things sorted a little. That one thing is going for a walk.

Lately (as you guys know) my mind has been a bit all over the place, and at times it felt like it was just spread as thin as it could possibly get. I knew it was time to do something about that. Needed to get back into the good routines that I used to have. Or maybe it was just time for some new ones.

Then I had a thought. The place where I’m working now is one that I always take public transportation to and from. First I take the subway, and then I change over to a bus. It takes me about 30 minutes from the moment I walk out the door, depending on the traffic. But how long would it take me to walk?

So I sat down and started looking at different routes recommended by Google Maps, and found that it didn’t look so bad. I hadn’t really decided that I was going to actually do this until the morning on my birthday (two days ago) when I got up at 5 am and started my day off with 20 minutes of meditation. Just to get such a good start to the day made me highly motivated to try to make more out of the day, and I decided to take the walk.

The 8 km walk (5 miles) took me about an hour and a half, and it felt so good! My mind felt so much calmer and clearer by the time I got to work, and I held a steady pace for the whole walk, so it counts as a bit of good exercise as well! My best friend Kirsti picked me up after work for our Birthday Pyjama Date, so I didn’t walk home that day. Wednesday I had a day off work, but today however I thought it was time to do the walk both to and from, and I did!

Now I’m not saying that walking fixes everything. My brain is constantly filled with way too much that goes on at the same time, but the walking helps me to sort it. To be able to be on the move, and at one with my thoughts, it just makes it so much easier to see the difference between the important thoughts and the unnecessary ones. To differ between voices and noise.

I don’t think that I will be walking to and from work every day, but from now on, I will definitely do it more often.

There’s something so very therapeutic about going for a walk, and I sure as hell needed it! Most of us could, from time to time.

This is the Hurt that I’m Feeling

I didn’t plan on going into my thirties with a broken heart, but here I am. Life takes twists and turns all of the time, and sometimes they hurt. And no matter how right it is, it’s still painful.

I’m turning 30 tomorrow, and I’m not one to worry about age. I don’t really care about that number to be honest. What I care about is where I’m at this very moment. And right now that place is a bit unclear.

On my last birthday, someone very dear to me asked me to define my upcoming year as 29 with one word. The word I chose was “Experiences”. And it turned out that I chose my word well.

My year as 29 was filled with interesting and new experiences.

I stepped out of my comfort zone a lot.

I travelled to new places, and familiar places.

I learned new things, and found new passions.

I met some wonderful people, some I got to know really well. Some I had to say goodbye to.

I fell in love, and I got my heart broken. Not intentionally by that person, but sometimes love just doesn’t work out the way that we want to. And if there’s one thing that will always be the truth, it is that we can’t control who we love, or how much we love them. And every time we go through that, it’s another experience as well. And what I might be most grateful for right now, is the falling. To get to experience to fall completely in love with someone again, no matter how painful it turned out, it was a wonderful reminder. I got to feel something that I wasn’t sure was even possible anymore. And for that I’m utterly and completely grateful! And in time when the healing really sets in, I will be able to cherish that even more than I do right now.

This is the hurt that I’m feeling, but I am not the pain.

This will take time, but that doesn’t mean that time have to stand still.

This is where I’m broken, but the cracks are where the sun will shine through.

For a time now, the hurting and the healing will walk hand in hand, supporting each other when it’s needed. And although a broken heart is a clear sign of an ending, it is also the promise of new beginnings.

I’m going into my thirties with a chapter that has no beginning yet. And it’s time I start to write it. And I think I’m going to start with one word. I have not chosen my word for the next year yet, but I will in time for tomorrow.