I can’t turn it off…

Do you know what I miss? I miss the time when I could pick up a book, disappear into it, and leave the troubles of the real world behind for a little while.

And before I say anything else, I am very aware of the privilege it is to allow oneself to escape. A lot of people in the world don’t have the luxury of doing so. And the trouble that a lot of people face every day is a lot worse than what I’m writing about here. But I just want to share my thoughts today because I feel like my brain is boiling over soon.

For the last four days, I’ve been feeling anxious, worried, stressed, and sad. My energy levels are just extremely low and my body is making it hard to do anything but to stay put. And while I know that there’s a perfectly good reason for the physical limitations I’m going through right now, it feels like it is just making everything else escalate and get worse in my own thinking box.

I’ve been trying to read for the last few days, but my mind wanders to all the news and worries that are popping up. It’s like a horrible Jack in the Box that constantly keeps popping up, but instead of some weird clown, it’s showing me all the things that are going on at the moment in the world that we are living in and it scares me. To be honest, I would rather have the clown popping up any day!

I read about and see people who just blatantly disregard the regulations and recommendations to try to get control over a global pandemic. People are mourning close friends and/or family taken away from them because of a virus, injustice, or both. Leaders of certain countries are allowed to keep on leading even though they outright lie and disrespect the people that they are supposed to protect. People who treat other people or animals like they’re not worth anything. Women and men fearing to be honest about who they are or what they feel.

There’s so much sadness, madness, and injustice in this world. Usually, I’m able to reroute my focus over to the beautiful, wonderful, and positive things in this world, but in the last few days, I’ve really been struggling to do so.

It feels like my mind is filled with noise and dark imagery and I can’t turn it off!

I know that I’m very lucky to have so much love and so many wonderful souls in my life, I don’t think I would be able to cope with all this without them. And I know that I will get through this dark fog and come out on the other side to find the sun shining on all the good things once again.

But for now, I’m just trying my best to take the time needed, to not feel guilty about all the things I don’t have the energy or headspace to get around to, and to not be afraid of reaching out to the loved ones around me.

These are challenging times for all of us, and we don’t have to act strong all the time, even though it’s hard.

I love you guys for taking the time to read and watch what it is that I create and put out there💛 It truly means the world to me, and it makes the rough days so much easier to get through.

You are beautiful! You matter! And it’s okay to not be okay🌻

Diet Culture – The Relationship I Didn’t Know I Was In

I’ve never been on a diet. Never had a diet plan. Never felt the urge to diet. Or have I?

I’ve pretty much always been quite slim, but with some shifts up and down, depending on how dedicated of a workout routine I had. I never thought of myself as part of the diet culture. The thought didn’t even cross my mind. I just saw myself as a healthy (most of the time) person who enjoyed taking care of my own body.

I had no idea how wrong I was. Looking back now, I find it terrifying to know just how much. It turns out that diet culture and I have been in a relationship since before I was a teenager, and I had to turn 31 before I even knew about it!

Click on the cover if you want to know more about the book💖

I started listening to Body Positive Power by Megan Jayne Crabbe (bodyposipanda on Instagram) on Audible, and that’s when everything changed. I was on my way to work (lost in the audiobook while staring out the bus window) and then Megan started talking about the young age when girls (and a lot of boys as well) start to feel conscious and insecure about their bodies. She talked about the shame that we feel whenever we binge, and the restraints we put on ourselves to stay or reach a certain body weight or body type, and all of a sudden I felt sick to my stomach. I had goosebumps all over my body, and not in a good way!

I was sitting there, traveling back in time, and watching myself pinch and poke at my own body. I heard myself making excuses to other people (and to myself) for how I was no longer as fit as I used to be, but I was getting back into shape soon. I remembered the shame that I’ve felt, more times than I can even count, for the indulges of sweets and cakes when I was convinced that I should have eaten something else.

I felt nauseous thinking about how mean I’ve been to myself. How much I’ve mentally beat myself up because of a toxic culture, and I didn’t even know that I was doing it.

I’ve been on a self-love journey for some years now, and even though I’ve learned to appreciate me, my body and what it can do, I had no idea that I was putting so much strain and negativity on myself because of the media and the culture that I’ve grown up with. I thought I had a healthy relationship with my own body, and in many ways I do, and at the same time, I don’t.

It was such a shock, and it hit me like a punch to my soft, beautiful tummy. Why am I being so cruel to myself, when I don’t need to? When the only ones who are profiting on that kind of mental beatdown and cruelty is an industry that’s fueled with lies, power, money, and other people’s pain and insecurities?

I have followed Megan’s Instagram for a long, long time, and I’ve been rooting for her and the whole body positivity movement! But little did I know that I would end up completely baffled, and eternally grateful for being able to learn from her. To hear about her experiences, her knowledge, her pain, and her triumphs. I had no idea that a person that I’ve never met would be able to change the way I see myself and my body.

Megan, you are a force of beauty and nature, and this post is a declaration of love for the positive and true energy that you put out into this world!

I’ve cried a fair amount of tears while listening to Body Positive Power, but I’ve also learned to see myself in a new way❤️It’s a body positive journey, it’s hard, but it is also wonderful at the same time.

This was a wake-up call that I didn’t even know I needed! And I’ve never been more ready to break up and out of the toxic relationship with the diet culture that I had no idea that I was in❤️

Body Positivity is a movement needed NOW, more than ever, and I’m happy to say that I am a part of it! I will shout it to the world with my words, my voice and my art! The shame and mental beating have come to an end, and a whole new level of self-love and discovery has begun!

Thank you Megan, and thank you to the whole community of beautiful body positive people out there❤️My body and I am eternally grateful for all that you do, and all that you share!

How I Take Care of Myself

I feel at my best mentally when I take the time to take care of my body as well as my mind. These two are very much connected, and I’ve always been able to tell a significant difference in how I feel mentally when I workout regularly and when I don’t.

My workout routines have come and gone a bit over the last year. I had a really good summer/fall last year, got my heart broken in November, fell out of it all (as one often do), got back on track again this spring, and then I’ve been a bit back and forth. I started to get back on track with the good routines again a few weeks before I went on my summer vacation, and while I’ve been away, I’ve slowly, but surely been finding my way back into a good routine when it comes to both what I do with my body and my mind, as well as what I put into my body.

A lot of people have the misconception about veganism as a form of lifestyle that just automatically makes you eat only healthy food. Yes, I eat a lot of greens, but there is plenty of unhealthy vegan food as well. Let’s just mention Orio’s and Ben & Jerry’s. I’m not saying I don’t enjoy those things, because I do, but in moderation.

So now that I’m getting into a good routine, what does that mean for me?

Yoga

I love yoga. Not just for the physical results it gives me, but for how it makes me feel. The focus on breathing and getting rid of the tension in the muscles is amazing. When I actively do yoga, I manage stress so much better. I take the time to check in with my body more often, and I’m a better listener whenever my body tries to tell me something.

You can do yoga pretty much anywhere and without any equipment. A mat is nice to have, but definitely not a must. You can easily use a towel or just soft grass.

And if you need a little bit of guidance, then I would recommend YouTube. When I need a little bit of a push and guidance back into yoga, I always turn to Yoga with Adrienne. She’s amazing, and I love how easy her guided yoga sessions are to keep up with.

Meditation

When it comes to coping with stress, meditation is also a great way to train oneself to handle it better. I usually do a meditation session in the morning before I get out of bed. It’s a great way to start the day and to set your focus for the day.

If you feel like you could use some guidance through your meditations, there are numerous videos on YouTube and apps for both Android and iPhone. One of my favorites is Headspace. Headspace is a great way to start getting into meditation, and you can choose the length of the session so it fits the time that you have available.

Click the Headspace logo if you want to find out more:

Run and walk

I’m finally getting back into running, which is something that I love to do when I just get into the routine of it. It’s such an amazing feeling to just turn the music on and run. I prefer to run in the forest. It’s easier on the body than running on asphalt, and I love being so close to nature.

Another great way to just stay active is to walk. I often choose to walk instead of using public transportation if I can. It’s a great walk to workout without even feeling like that’s what you’re doing. And with a good audiobook or some great music, it’s even better!

I use Audible for listening to audiobooks when I walk. If you want to try Audible, you can click the on the box below and you’ll get a 30-day free trial with 2 audiobooks of your own choosing included!

❈❈ If you buy via my affiliate links, I get a small commission ❈❈

 

Take Time Off

This is something that I’m not always really good at. I tend to get lost in all of my projects and I will work and work until I’m on the edge of getting burned out. After getting completely burned out a couple of times though, I’ve learned to listen to my body more, and I prioritize taking much needed time off. I disconnect from social media, I read, I spend time with people that I love and I devour art as a way to recharge. And sleep, don’t forget to sleep and get your rest! It’s so important for your body and your mind!

❤️

And the last, but maybe the most important things that I do to take care of myself is to LOVE, to practice GRATITUDE, and to LAUGH!

Don’t underestimate the power of the simple things in life💛

 

An Off Day

We all have them. I don’t get them that often, but today is one of them.

I consider myself quite the happy, grateful and positive person, but sometimes the negativity of the world will overwhelm me to the point where I just have to take a break.

I’ve found through the years that being a positive person in a negative world (at times) can be very draining and challenging. I wouldn’t want to be any other way, because life is too short to not try to make the best out of it, to not try our best to have a positive outlook on our future, to not work for a brighter and better future. Even so, being a positive and creative soul is hard at times. Being a romantic is even harder. And brushing off all the negativity that people carelessly throw around can feel impossible. So some days I find myself so completely numb and overwhelmed. My thoughts and ideas are working overdrive. My energy just falls apart and I can’t seem to create anything, even though I have a head full of ideas and plans.

This doesn’t happen too often, and I tend to isolate myself a bit whenever it does. Why? Maybe because I feel like it’s not really a good representation of the person that I am most of the time. Then again, this is a part of me, and I shouldn’t be holding that back.

How do I get out of it? Well, over the years I’ve found what works for me. When I feel the off day is getting a hold of me, I usually take a break. I lock the door, turn off the lights, pour myself a couple of glasses of Laphroaig or tea (depending on what I feel like having), I write, I listen to music, I cry, and I get a good nights sleep. Usually, that’s the reboot that I need, and the next morning, everything just feels a little bit better and back to normal.

So to all of you that are having an off day today, I just want you to know that you’re not alone. It happens to all of us, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Take the time that you need to get back on track. It’s totally okay to not be okay all of the time ❤️

 

I Love You, and I’m Sorry!

I’m sorry that I haven’t paid attention when you’ve been sending me all the signs. You tried so hard to tell me that I was being way too pushy and needed to back off a little, and calm down.

I’m sorry I ignored you when you tried to communicate with me. I’m usually way better at listening, but lately I know I haven’t treated you the way you deserve to be treated. I haven’t showed you the love that you need. And for that I’m truly sorry.

I see now that I’ve caused you unnecessary pain, and when you didn’t want to take anymore you started to hit back. You had every right to do so, and I deserved every blow I got.

I can’t promise that I’ll always be a better listener, but I’m going to try. And when you tell me to pay more attention to you, I promise I’m going to do my very best to do so.

My dear body, I love you and I’m sorry for neglecting you ❤️ I hope you can forgive me!

 

Walk It Off!

Whenever my mind feels a bit too full and in need of a break, there’s always one thing that helps it to calm down and get things sorted a little. That one thing is going for a walk.

Lately (as you guys know) my mind has been a bit all over the place, and at times it felt like it was just spread as thin as it could possibly get. I knew it was time to do something about that. Needed to get back into the good routines that I used to have. Or maybe it was just time for some new ones.

Then I had a thought. The place where I’m working now is one that I always take public transportation to and from. First I take the subway, and then I change over to a bus. It takes me about 30 minutes from the moment I walk out the door, depending on the traffic. But how long would it take me to walk?

So I sat down and started looking at different routes recommended by Google Maps, and found that it didn’t look so bad. I hadn’t really decided that I was going to actually do this until the morning on my birthday (two days ago) when I got up at 5 am and started my day off with 20 minutes of meditation. Just to get such a good start to the day made me highly motivated to try to make more out of the day, and I decided to take the walk.

The 8 km walk (5 miles) took me about an hour and a half, and it felt so good! My mind felt so much calmer and clearer by the time I got to work, and I held a steady pace for the whole walk, so it counts as a bit of good exercise as well! My best friend Kirsti picked me up after work for our Birthday Pyjama Date, so I didn’t walk home that day. Wednesday I had a day off work, but today however I thought it was time to do the walk both to and from, and I did!

Now I’m not saying that walking fixes everything. My brain is constantly filled with way too much that goes on at the same time, but the walking helps me to sort it. To be able to be on the move, and at one with my thoughts, it just makes it so much easier to see the difference between the important thoughts and the unnecessary ones. To differ between voices and noise.

I don’t think that I will be walking to and from work every day, but from now on, I will definitely do it more often.

There’s something so very therapeutic about going for a walk, and I sure as hell needed it! Most of us could, from time to time.

Run Forrest, Run!!

Well I’m not planing on strapping on my running shoes and leave everything behind for an unknown amount of time, but I have been getting into running again. I started running again right before my vacation started, and I brought my workout clothes with me so that I could continue on with the good habit even though I’m away from home. And so far I’ve been doing really good. I’ve been out running every day  this week, and I can already feel a difference in my pace and endurance.

And one thing that I’ve noticed after I started taking my purple shoes out to get some air more often, is that my writing is flowing more smoothly. I’m very well aware that a healthy body helps out when it comes to a healthy mind as well, but I think the main reason why it’s having such a wonderful impact on my creative process, is this;

When I run, my mind clears up. I move through the forest and my thoughts run off to everywhere and nowhere all at once. It’s a form of meditation. A way to disconnect and silence all the inner voices that I shouldn’t listen to, and to connect with all that is good for me. The deeper into the forest I get, the deeper into my own mind I dive. And in the inner, most silent corners of my mind, I find the important parts. The thoughts that hides away in fear of being seen. The ones that shines brightly as soon as they are lifted out of the dark and into the light.

So that is one of the main reasons why I now drag myself out daily to sweat it out under the trees shadows.

I run because my mind need it. I run because the sounds of nature silence the words of doubt and fear. I run because I love how it makes me feel, and how it makes me write.

Being a vegan is making me angry!

I’ve only been a vegan for 2 months now and (as I’ve mentioned before) it’s been an amazing journey so far! But it also has me raging, wanting to scream at the top of my lungs! Because one of the really interesting things about committing to going vegan, is the need to become educated. And when you walk the path of knowing, you can never unwalk it again. You learn what you learn, and you can choose to believe it or not, but you can never choose to have not learned it.

My road of education has only just begun, and I do my very best to learn new things every day. I don’t ever want to be a person that thinks that there’s nothing more I need to know. There’s always more to know. And you can never be fully educated when it comes to life and lifestyles.

So I read, I watch and I listen. I talk to heart and I choose my paths thereafter. I think the most important documentaries I’ve watched about plant based diets are these three:

Forks Over Knives

 

PlantPure Nation

 

Cowspiracy

 

And it’s just so infuriating to watch how politics and money plays such a huge part in not making this all public knowledge. It’s scary to see know how much power agriculture has. And how they silence the people that devotes their lives that wants the truth to come out. And yes, that makes me ANGRY as hell!

We need to wake up and see the truth. We need to change our lives. We need to change the way we live and the way we eat if we really want what is best for our environment, our kids and our health.

My best friend (and amazingly talented fine art photographer) Kirsti has an Earth Hour project going on, on her blog. It features beautiful pictures every day and with it comes some tips for us all to live a better life. I highly recommend you check it out! http://hegrebackman.wordpress.com

And I know a lot of people are thinking:

‘But what the hell do you eat?’

And I think the answer might surprise you, in a good way! Living a plant based lifestyle is not about having a salad for every meal. I’ve never made so much tasty and wonderful food as I’ve had now that I committed to this. And I want to share it with you guys!

Don’t worry, this blog won’t be just about food from now on, I’m still just as obsessed with books and poetry as I’ve always been. But this place here, is my little corner of the internet. And with my personal corner I want to get even more personal with you guys and talk about what matters to me. And this MATTERS!

So I will be sharing some recipes with you. Some in video form, others in picture/written form. Because sharing is caring! And even though I do get angry in this process, I’m also filled with hope for a  better future 🙂

I love you all, and I hope you’ll join me on this adventure!

You don’t look sick!

After the passing of Robin Williams there has been a renewed focus on depression. Depression is only one of the many difficult diseases that a person might carry but are not visible to others. I cannot feel what you feel anymore than you can feel what I feel. This is why we should be careful to judge.

You don’t look sick! He’s probably faking it! She’s just lazy..

These phrases are not uncommon and I’ve had similar to these said to my face as well.
As you might know by now, I’m struggling with a bad case of tendonitis at the moment. I’m not trying to compare tendonitis to depression as a disease, but they are both illnesses that you cannot tell if people have or not. I tried to stay at my job while I was on my first round of medication but it just got worse. So now I’m staying home, trying not to use my hands/shoulders that much, am on pretty heavy pain killers and I’m getting treatments from a physiotherapist twice a week. It’s painful and exhausting at times, but the feeling of not being taken serious about it is worse. I feel like I have to explain to the people that I know just how painful it is or else they will think that I’m not really sick. I shouldn’t have to feel that way!

I’m not going to go on a rant about this but I just wanted to post it as a reminder! Don’t be so quick to judge! You don’t know what is going on in other peoples bodies. Ask them if they need help instead of trying to figure out how sick they really are, leave that to the professionals. If you suspect that someone around you is having a hard time (in any way) then ask about it before you judge them.

And lastly, all of you out there that are struggling with some kind of illness: I hope you feel better soon!

Stay creative, keep on smiling and never underestimate the power of a good hug!

Big cyber hugs from me to you!!