A Love Letter of Sorts

To the one that started it all

You were the first. The one that I compared everyone to for years. I’m pretty sure you never really understood how much I loved you, and I’m even more sure that it was completely unfair to everyone that was ever compared to you.

I never really had you, but still, I looked for you in the eyes of others. I tried to taste you on other people’s lips, but you were nowhere to be found. Eventually, I managed to let go, but there’s still a special place in my heart for you. There always will be.

You were the first one I fell head over heels in love with, and nothing will ever be exactly like that. First love is hard, painful and messy, but also beautiful in its own way.

I love that we still stay in touch, and even though we didn’t get a happily ever after, I made a friend for life. 

I love you 💛

To the one I wronged

I’m so sorry! You didn’t deserve that, and no matter how many times I apologize, it will not change the past. Never the less, let me say it again; I’m sorry.

I heard you got married, and you now have a family of your own. I’m so happy for you, and I wish you all the best💛

To the one that steered me

You came into my life when I was at the start of a big journey. You broke me, but you also steered me in the right direction. I’m forever more cautious with my heart because of you, but I’m also eternally grateful for the help to find the road that got me to where I am today.

I spent a lot of time feeling hurt because of all that happened between us, and also a lot of time was spent growing and learning to love myself as much as I hoped that you would have loved me. 

I appreciate the apology you sent my way. It was good for me to finally get some real closure. 

People come into our lives to teach us, or to learn from us. I think we learned from each other. 

I hope you find the one that you thought for a moment that I was. I hope your path will take you to the most magical places, and I want you to know that even though you taught me how to let go, I will always be here for you 💛

To the one who played the part

Thinking back to what we had and what we were (if we really were anything) is still painful. Until I met you, I wasn’t even sure if I could really fall in love again. I was on the road to giving up, but there you were. 

You looked at me like no man had ever done. There was something in your eyes, and in the way you acted, that made me so sure that we were in the same place. I took down all my walls for you, and I fell head over heels. I was so sure that you felt the same way. 

But I was so wrong and to this day I’m not even sure if you only fooled me, or if you were fooling yourself at the same time. I kind of hope that it’s the latter, because if I was the only one fooled then that’s just pure cruelty. I want to believe that you’re better than that.

You played the part perfectly though, I’ll give you that. 

My walls are stronger now, maybe even higher, because of you. There’s a doubt that’s grounded in me, and I can’t seem to let go of it, even though I did let go of you. 

I’m grateful for knowing that I can fall as hard as that again, but I’m equally terrified. You did that. 

I forgive you, but I will never forget it💛

To the one that disappeared

You were very unexpected. Suddenly you were in my life, and you seemed so happy to be there. You made me hopeful and excited for what was to come. 

And then you disappeared. Like a ghost, you were just gone. The only thing left was a whisper of all the words that were said and all the questions I was left with. 

I have no idea what happened, and I guess I probably never will. I thought you were better than that. I thought you were different. 

After we’d been on a couple of dates I wrote in my journal that I was very grateful for meeting you, but I also wrote that being optimistic about love was really hard. 

This is why.

I hope you’re happy, wherever you are, and whatever it is that you’re doing now. I also hope that you never ghost another girl like you ghosted me. That shit is painful and so childish. Be better than that 💛

To the ones I have not met yet

You are all faces, stories, and pasts I haven’t gotten to know yet. If I seem a bit scared at first, it’s because I am. I don’t know who of you will stay, or who will go. I have no way of knowing who’s steering, who’s acting, who might just disappear without a reason, or who might actually want to share a future. 

I don’t know if you are here for a few seconds, minutes, hours, weeks, months or years. And I guess that’s part of the beauty of it. I will not ask you to make impossible promises. I will not ask you to promise to never leave. 

But there is something I want to ask of you. No, I’m not asking, I’m begging. 

Please, be kind.

Please, be honest.

Please, be you and nothing else💛

 

 

 

 

Something About Moving On

I’ve written about the subject of letting go and moving on multiple times on this blog, and I will probably continue on writing about it for years to come.

To master the act of letting go and moving on, you have to go through experience after experience, and it will never feel or be exactly the same. Mainly because every relationship we go through is different. The reasons for letting go and having to move in might look very much the same in some situations, but they might feel completely different.

The time it takes will also vary from relationship to relationship. Sometimes it’s as easy as flipping a switch, because you’ve been preparing yourself for it to happen. Other times, it might feel like it takes forever. You’re heart and soul will ache and break till the point where you’re sure that moving on isn’t even an option, but it is.

The feeling is still valid as ever. Your feelings are your truths, and you should never be ashamed of the hurt or the sadness that you’re feeling. It’s a part of the process.

Letting go and moving on is not something one can ever become and expert in. It’s difficult and just like personal growth, it’s something you have to keep working on constantly.

You will make it if you try though. It might not feel like it if you’re in the middle of it right now, and I know that you might not want to hear it, but it’s the absolute truth.

So go through the emotions. Get sad and angry if you need to. Scream to the wind, dance it out, kiss as many as you need to get the taste of him/her off your lips, and then get ready for something new and exciting.

Let go. Move on. And when you’re ready; open up again.

It’s hard, I know. Scares the shit out of me too, but we got this ❤️

Not Everyone Waves Goodbye

(Photo: Kirsti H. Backman)

We say it, we think it, we hear it and we experience it pretty much every single day.

The goodbyes.

Some are silent. Some are loud. Some are just politeness. Some are filled with tears, some with smiles, and some with both. There are goodbyes that needs to be said. There are those who feels like should’ve never happened.

Some people leave. Some are taken. Some we leave behind.

The long one.

Sometimes we know when it will happen. There’s time to say goodbye in all kinds of ways. In every kiss, every hug and every moment of eyes meeting.  Knowing the day will come, but spending it together even though the inevitable goodbye will eventually arrive. And when it does, you realize that you can never really be prepared.

The sudden one.

Sometimes it takes us by surprise.  Leaving you with just enough time to say the words, to get a final moment, or to wave. Sometimes, not even that. Find yourself left behind with so much more you wanted to say but didn’t have the time to. Unprepared and lost for words as to how to express all the emotions running through you.

The much-needed one. 

Sometimes we plan out goodbyes for so long, but put them off out of fear. We know it’s the right thing to do, but the uncertainty of what will happen after the goodbye is so frightening that we choose to postpone it again, and again. Then one day, it finally comes out in the open, and the burden is lifted. But even the most needed goodbyes come with a sense of pain and grief.

The silent one.

Sometimes people just decide to exit without a goodbye. Like a light switch that’s been turned off, they just disappear. You find yourself left behind in a dark place filled with unanswered questions. Instead of getting to say goodbye to that someone, you say goodbye through your tears and your own silence. Hoping that one day, you’ll stop wondering and stop asking the questions. So you whisper your goodbyes to the wind, hoping they might be carried to the right place.

☼

There are all kinds of goodbyes, and they’re happening everywhere all the time. But in the chaos of all the goodbyes, remember that there are also hellos. All the people we encounter throughout a day. All the stories they carry right next to us. The world is filled with friends and lovers we have yet to come to know.

The world is a confusing, but wonderful place. It’s a home to all of us. Look around. Do you really see them? Take the time to pay attention to the people you’re sharing your home with.

Not everyone waves goodbye. Not every goodbye is an ending, but every hello is a potential beginning ❤️

Hello.

 

 

 

They Don’t Get to Decide This!

Throughout our lives, we will meet selfish people and invite them into our lives before they show their true self. People who think that everything revolves around them. That the spotlight shines for them, and them alone. People who think that they can dance their way into your life whenever it suits them, stomp all over your heart, leave again, and then suddenly pop up again when it’s most convenient for them, taking no consideration as to how that fits into your life.

Why do we let them? Because we care about them. We care and love them so much more than they probably deserve. That is why it’s so hard to let go. That is why we hold on to the point where it strangles us instead of them.

I’ve been through that a couple of times in my life, and even though it’s shitty to go through no matter how many times you have to do it, it gets easier somehow. It’s easier to see through all of the bullshit. You might still give them the benefit of the doubt, but still a bit more cautiously than before.

It’s totally fine to be protective of your heart. Let the selfish ones teach you what to look for, but don’t let their mistakes make you close off to love.

You are worthy of all the love and respect! Don’t let the selfish ones decide who you spend time on. Don’t let them in if they don’t have good intentions. Don’t share your spotlight if they don’t have enough space in theirs for you. Letting go can be so hard to do, but it’s okay for you to be selfish when comes to cutting negativity out of your life, and protecting your heart!

Love yourself enough to know when it’s time to move on, and don’t beat yourself up for not having done so sooner. It changes nothing, and it’s not worth your time or your energy❤️

Your heart and your soul deserves better ❤️

Love you guys❤️

 

Grounded ● POEM

In a place surrounded 

By people who comes back

And the ones leaving

That is where I left you

The luggage I could not bring

That is where I was lifted

Grew wings and flew

But roots held you in place

Arms stretching towards the sky

Unable to let go

●

©Christina de Vries