A New Start ✨

Let’s talk about the last year and a half. To say that it’s been a weird and challenging one would be an understatement.

The pandemic hit shortly after I found out that I was pregnant. By that time, I was already on sick leave from my job because I struggled with extreme nausea. I already felt slightly isolated at home, and then we really did become isolated. I felt very anxious about the fact that researchers had no idea how COVID-19 could affect pregnant women and their babies.
So we were extra careful, and we limited the people we met down to almost zero. In a time where I could’ve needed my friends and family more than usual, I suddenly couldn’t see and hug them like I was used to. It wasn’t the kind of pregnancy I had hoped for. I tried to focus on the beautiful miracle of the whole thing but found myself struggling with staying positive in the middle of it all. I was so scared all the time.
I was sick and lonely, but I was also very aware that I had it better than many other people in this world.

October came around, and little Noelle came into this world. Mikael could stay by my side through the whole ordeal (many other pregnant couples weren’t as lucky), and she was healthy and perfect. I wanted to share the joy with friends and family. We were lucky enough for the restrictions to have lifted a little bit by then so we could spend a little more time with family. That helped.

Christmas came, and it felt like I was on the right track to get back to my creative self, but then disaster struck. Our rescue dog became extremely jealous of the new addition to the family and tried to bite Noelle. After two episodes of obvious jealousy, it became clear that it wouldn’t work. It was so painful and sad. We had to say goodbye to a best friend, a member of the family. Luckily we had the option of him living with my ex and good friend, so we can still visit and see him. But not having him around was heartbreaking. When it came to creative projects, I had nothing to give.

2021 came around, and we found out that we had to move. The apartment we were renting had water coming up through the floorboards whenever it rained, and it would take quite some time to fix. We looked at new places in Oslo, but everything was so expensive, and we didn’t want to spend all of our income on rent.
The family reached out to us and gave us the option to live with my mom while we saved up some money and figured things out.
We were (and still are) very grateful for that!
It meant coming back to my hometown, closer to both of our families. And if there’s one thing that’s become painfully clear throughout this pandemic, it’s how much I craved being closer to my roots and my family.

We ended up living with my mom for three months. It was challenging for someone like me who needs their space and quiet time. And it was challenging for Mikael to live with someone else’s family for so long. I totally get that. We craved a space of our own and time to ourselves.
We now have that, and I will share more about that in a post soon!

But that’s not what I wanted to write about now. Instead, I wanted to share that the last six months have especially been really hard. I found myself in dark places of sadness and worry way too often, and I was slowly slipping into a bit of postpartum depression. More often than I wanted to admit, I found myself questioning all of my life decisions and beating myself up for not reaching all of my goals yet. There were a lot of tears, anger, and fights. I was not in a good place. We were not in a good place. The darkness was swallowing me, and the negative voices got so loud that I struggled to hear anything else.

But finally, after months of challenges and darkness, it feels like I’m slowly finding my way back to myself. It’s been hard, and I’m still working my way through a lot of stuff, but I’ve come to a place where I feel motivated to work creatively again.

I look forward to sharing more of what’s going on with you, lovelies! I’ve missed this!
So, I’ve gone back to the writing board, and I’m making plans for lots of content. There will be some changes, and there will be testing of new things, so bear with me while I figure this thing out. It feels like I’m starting from scratch once again, but I’m excited about this journey!

Any and all feedback is more than welcome and appreciated.💛 If there’s something you’d like to see more of, or you have any suggestions for future posts and themes, just let me know.

Take my hand, and let’s wander into the unknown.✨
And to all of you who’ve been patiently waiting for me, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart❤️

It means so much more than I am able to put into words!

The Need to Escape

This is a strange time to be living in. I know I say that a lot these days, and I’m definitely not the only one. And it is a strange time. We are going through something that we’ve never experienced before and that means we are in uncharted waters.

We had no idea exactly how we would react to something like this, and now we’re in the middle of it. I think most of us are trying our very best to do our part to keep people safe and healthy, and trying to stay sane at the same time. The latter can be harder than it sounds at times, and we all have different ways of coping with living through this pandemic.

As strange as I find this time, I also find it incredibly scary as well. I’m lucky and extremely grateful for living in a country where our leaders take the pandemic very seriously and try their best to keep us safe. I know many are not that lucky.
But even though we’re lucky to be here, this virus can take a hold on anyone. We’ve all heard about the healthy and young who gets infected and doesn’t make it through. Those stories stick with you, and they make you think about the risk and possibility of getting sick as well.

So, how do I cope? It varies from day to day, but one thing I’ve found is that I turn to books even more now than usual. It’s my way of escaping the reality that scares me. And let’s face it, we all need some escapism from all of this just to stay somewhat sane.

I’m so grateful for books and stories. For the written words that transport me into other worlds, universes, and lives, whenever I find this one a bit too frightening. And I’m extra grateful for them during this time.
Without the books that whisk me away, I believe I would’ve completely lost it.

So, don’t feel bad about not being super productive or creative all the time at the moment. Allow yourself to just escape through books, games, music, baking, dancing, or whatever gives you a break from all that is going on outside of your doors. We are only human, and now is the time to take care of each other, and our selves.

We will get through this, eventually💛

An Update

Hello you! 

It’s been a while, and I thought it was time to let you know why!

Don’t worry, everything is fine (except for global warming, the Amazon Rainforest is burning, and we have psychopath bullies running the world.. Eeek.. Shit just got political!) but there’s some really big changes going on in my life.

Let’s start with the really good news first! Those of you who follow me on Instagram already know this. I had love come into my life, quite unexpectedly, some months ago. It’s a really wonderful story and I will tell you all about it in a post very soon. So for those of you who don’t gag from cheesy romantic content: stay tuned!

This wonderful guy is now a part of my little family, and he even moved in a couple of weeks ago! So, it’s official: He’s stuck with this awkward weirdo! Haha!

I was open to finding love again, but wasn’t looking for it, and was very much prepared for it to not happen. What I was even less prepared for was how it would make me rethink a lot of things. But more on that later!

More positive stuff!

I was pretty much away from both social media and real life social stuff because of a really big freelance job. I will spill the beans on that later on as well, but it was a very conscious choice to drop a lot of things and focus and that job. It was one of those possibly career defining moments, and I went for it with everything I had. The result of that was a lot of work during my summer holiday, and quite a few weeks with me working what felt like two full time jobs.

And now for something else:

I wouldn’t say that it’s something negative, although it is inspired by a lot of negative things. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about what’s going on in the world, what I want to do about it, and how I can help. When I look at what’s going on around us I find it hard to not lose hope, but I refuse to do so. This is our home. And the fact that we’ve been rubbish at taking care of it isn’t exactly a secret. I’ve made a whole lot of changes to the way I live my life to try to better my own life, the life of others, and the planet in general. I want my kid to have a future. I want him to be able to enjoy the wonders of life instead of having to fight to survive here. I want there to be a brighter future, even though it sometimes feels difficult to even imagine such a thing. 

But I haven’t given up hope yet! And I’m still trying to do my part. I also feel like sharing the things that I do, not as a way to try tell other people what to do, but to maybe inspire and help.

So, that’s where a lot of the changes will come in. I will still focus a lot on books and literature, but I will also try to add more of my life choices, and some tips and tricks I’ve come to discover along the way.

I won’t say that I’m back, because I never left. But here’s to somewhat of a new beginning!

Wrinkles and White Hairs

I’ve had wrinkles around my mouth and my eyes for a few years already. I like to call them my smile lines.

I also have a line between my brows that I’ve had for a really long time. I call that one my worry line. I’m guessing it started showing in my early teens.

Last year I discovered my first white hair. We gingers usually go white instead of grey, and now it’s my turn to get the same change as Gandalf!

I told my grandmother on my dad’s side about my discovery last year, and she (who’s also a ginger) told me that by the time she turned 35, she had quite a lot of white hairs.

So what do I think about my signs of aging?

I’m all here for it! In a world where people spend a crazy amount of time and money trying to look younger than they are, so many have forgotten about what a privilege it is to be allowed to get older.

There are so many out there who aren’t that lucky.  

Every day young people are robbed from the opportunity of growing older. Some by accidents, some by illness, some by cruelty, and some by their own hands. We tend to forget the fact that every second that we live and breathe here on this planet, is nothing short of a bloody miracle!

I know that we all have hard days. Tough days where words like privilege, grateful and miracle don’t even come close to what we are really feeling. But even those days are days where we grow and are lucky to have the opportunity to learn from.

I see countless bloggers, YouTubers, and influencers who are trying to convince other women and men to get treatments for the signs of aging. I’m not here to try to do the same. I’m here to encourage you to see those signs as beauty and not flaws. What you choose to spend your time and money on is entirely up to you. Your body, your choice!

How lucky am I to have smiled so much throughout my life that the markings of them are permanently on my face for the world to see. What an interesting and eventful life I’ve had so far, and the worry line between my brows is one of the many proofs of the moments and hurdles that I’ve had to overcome.

I’m so blessed to be able to grow older and get white hair while I can watch my son becoming more and more of a little man. I’ve gotten to grow older with fantastic friends and wonderful family.

I still get to learn new things every day! How lucky I am! It’s enough to make my eyes water just to think about the fact that I’ve been so lucky to be able to live for as long as I have and experience the things that I’ve done. I can only hope that my journey will continue for many more years.

I think we all need to remind ourselves of this more often, myself included.

In a world where we are constantly bombarded with the message that we have to look like we never eat, we exercise all the time, while we live a fabulous life globetrotting the world and never aging a day, it’s hard to lose focus of what really matters, and just how lucky we often are.

Don’t let the media fool you into chasing an unrealistic beauty ideal or means to happiness. You are a freaking wonder; wrinkles, grey/white hairs, bumps and all! ❤️

You Can Miss Someone and Not Want Them Back

“I miss him.”

“Why? He broke your heart? You know he’s no good for you!”

Sounds familiar?

Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s perfectly okay to miss someone and not want them back! If you need it, then I hereby give you the total freedom to miss that someone. Just try to not get completely lost in it, and make decisions that you know aren’t good for you out from that feeling. Because the missing someone, we can’t really control, no matter how much we’d like to. But we are in control of our actions based on the feelings we feel.

And even though a relationship ended for all the right reasons, or all the wrong reasons, there is a good chance that you can still look back on that relationship and see some of the parts that was good about it. You’re allowed to miss that. Often it isn’t really about missing that someone anyways, it’s usually about missing what that someone made you feel.

How you smiled more, how your heart skipped a beat, how you impatiently looked forward to the next time you would see each other again, and how your body reacted to that other person’s touch, sounds and/or smells. It is only human that when someone or something that took up so much space in your everyday life, suddenly just doesn’t, that it takes some adjustment.

I believe that we find ourselves again after every breakup, and that someone we find is naturally different from the one we used to be.

Because who are we are tend to change when you and I turns into we, and as a couple we tend do evolve together as well as on our own. And when that evolved entity breaks apart, we are left with a part that feels unfinished. We feel broken, and after the grieving and the worst of the pain we start the search, not for the one, but for the one we want to be. And that someone isn’t always the one we used to be. Sometimes it’s someone entirely different. Sometimes it’s finding a whole new you.

Well, I guess everyone’s path to walk and way to process is different, but this is how I usually experience going through a breakup.

And even though I am very grateful and happy or all the experiences that I’ve had, and how much I’ve learned from them, I still find myself missing the good parts of relationships that obviously wasn’t meant to be.

I used to beat myself up about it, but I try not to do that anymore. Instead, I let the emotions go through me, then I remind myself of the thing that I don’t miss, and afterwards I make a mental list of what I can take away from the experiences. What have I learned about the things I want (and don’t want) in my life and in my relationships.

Life is a constant education, and we have to try our very best to make the most of it. Because life is short and love is precious. People can be cruel, but they can be pretty awe droppingly amazing too.

So, don’t beat yourself up for missing someone you don’t want back. Acknowledge the fact that after everything you’ve gone through, you’re still able to see the good things in all the hurt. You love yourself enough to miss the warm feeling of your own happiness.

Give yourself a big hug (or imagine that I’m giving you one) and then get out there and make some new memories.

You deserve that happiness❤️

About Growing Old

When you think about your own future, do you think you will grow old?
I asked a couple of my girlfriends this question out of curiosity, and because I’ve given this a lot of thought over the years.

Why?

Because in my mind I have a tiny voice that constantly tells me that I won’t get very old. I have no idea where this is coming from. My family in both sides have grown quite old, there’s been minimal to no terminal diseases and I live a pretty healthy lifestyle. Still, this tiny voice constantly reminds me of the fact that I should enjoy the time right now because I might not have that much time left.

It could be a result of the world we live in, where we see the environment rapidly falling to pieces because we fail when it comes to taking care of it, or maybe my body and mind already knows something that I am not aware of yet.

I have no idea.

But this is a fear and a constant reminder that I’m living with. Maybe it’s totally irrational (and I do hope that it is), or maybe it will make perfect sense. The point is that none of us know, and that’s the reason why we should always try to live our lives to the fullest ❤️

Sometimes Friendships End In Breakups

Friendship is a funny thing. Some last for years and years, while others for only a shorter period of time. Sometimes those who start out as acquaintances turn into friends, but other times it goes the other way around. Friends are so important to us all, but we also live out our own separate lives outside of the friendships that we have, and the time we spend with our friends will vary depending on how much time and energy we have on our hand.

Sometimes we will spend more time with certain friends than with our own family. Sometimes our friends become our family. Other times we are so wrapped up in work, kids, projects and such that we don’t get to see our friends nearly as much as we’d like to. There are even times when we don’t have what it takes to see them. When the state of our mental health is at a place where social interaction with even the people that we love the most feel like a struggle. And all of this is completely okay. It might be hard to deal with as the friend on the other side at times, just as much as the friend who’s struggling.

One thing that I find to be really hard is when I can’t really tell if a friend wants to stay a friend, or they want to move on. Just as romantic relationships sometimes come to an end, so do friendships at times.

But telling the difference between having a friend that’s just super busy, and a friend that maybe wants to move on without you, it can be hard. Maybe it’s mostly hard because it’s hard to let go. Especially when there’s a friendship that’s taken years to build. It’s hard to come to terms with all of that just going up into smoke.

Even so, there are times when the only right thing is to do exactly that; to let go.

It doesn’t mean that you would never let that friend back in, but when you’ve tried and tried again to keep the connection alive, there comes a time when you have to say;

“Look, I love you, but it feels like you’re not that interested in staying in touch at the moment and I don’t want to have to feel like I’m the only one trying. So now the ball is in your court. I will be here if you ever feel like doing something, but you’ll have to let me know if and when you want to.”

It might feel like a breakup. It might even be a breakup. But your life is short, and your time and energy is so, so valuable! Make sure you do not waste it. Set boundaries, and be honest while still being kind, not only to others, but to yourself as well❤️

Where Are You at 3am?

Usually I’m far gone into the land of dreams at 3am, but tonight I’m spending my night at a place that feels somewhat familiar to me, although I’ve never spent the night here or anywhere like it before.

I’m spending my night at Oslo Airport Gardermoen.

It sounds all kinds of dramatic, but it isn’t. I have a super early flight, so early so that there weren’t any morning buses or trains that would get me here in time, and I didn’t want to spend a ridiculously amount of money to book myself into an airport hotel for a just a few hours.

That left me with the choice of taking the last train to the airport that would arrive at around 1am, and that would give me a good five hours at the airport before my plane will take me up, up, up and away!

I was curious to see how spending a night at a place like this would actually be like, and I found it to be way more comfortable and interesting than I expected.

I definitely wasn’t the only one who didn’t want to waste money on a hotel. There are quite a lot of people here. You can see them sleeping or reading, talking with friends, or doing some late night working. Maybe they are writing too!

While being surrounded by all of these travelers, I found myself lost in one of my favorite activities; people watching.

My eyes drifted from traveler to traveler, and I started thinking about where they were from, where they were going, and what kind of stories they would be able to tell.

The travelers come in all different shapes, ages, and colors, and I find myself very calm and relaxed even though I’m surrounded by bright lights and sounds of maintenance workers. It’s so different to be here in a place that I’m used to seeing crammed with people and loud with voice, suddenly being a place of rest and stillness.

I even managed to sleep for an hour on one of the benches.

Now I’m not saying that I would prefer to sleep at airports. I love the softness of a good bed way too much, but this was a way more pleasant experience than I expected it to be. I still have about 2,5 hours left before I’m starting a 16 hour long journey, but even though I’m tired, it’s off to a good start!

I’m guessing most of you are sleeping, or you are in time zones that takes you far away from 3am at this writing moment, but wherever you are, I hope you’re smiling!

And if you find yourself other places than home at 3am, I hope you make the most of it❤️

How Easy We Take it for Granted

Let me tell you a little story…

Today while I was sitting at a cafe in Copenhagen, I sat next to a woman and her father. The woman was crying, obviously frustrated and distraught. Her dad stroked her shoulder, and then he stood up to go and use the restroom. She then picked up her phone and called someone. I couldn’t help but overhear the conversation, or at least one side of it.

Her voice was so sad, and she told her love on the other side of the line the long process they would now have to go through because of complications, before they can potentially start a life together in Denmark.

With tears running down her face, she explained how they wouldn’t be able to see each other for the next three months, just to make sure that everything was being done according to the rules.

They agreed on that being the best thing to do while another tear rolled down her cheek, and they finished their phone call with;

‘I love you.’

Three months away from the person you love, that’s a long time. I wanted to hug her, to let her know that everything would be fine, and that love always finds a way. But who would I be to say such a thing? I’m not even sure I believe that love conquers all anymore. I have no idea if they will be fine.

But it did hit me that getting to see and hear this kind of fighting for love is the complete opposite from what I usually see. It is the counterpart to my experiences of having something great and then just give it up. This is choosing to stay, choosing to not give up, to fight for the right to be able to be together.

How easy we take that for granted! Most people meet, fall in love, and then choose if they want to take it further or not, with no other complication than their own thoughts and worries. But out there, some people have to fight to be together. They have to go through months (or even years) of struggle and time apart, before someone else makes the decision for them, or they have to start all over with another new process.

This is why I stopped dating. Why I deleted all the apps. Because so far it has not lead me even close to something so real that both parties are willing to truly try, and to fight for it. And no, I’m not saying that everyone else is the problem, because I’ve found myself in the situation where the other party wants to jump, but I wasn’t ready to take the leap because it didn’t feel right.

Now, if I find love, I hope that I won’t have to go through all the trouble that the woman crying beside me in the cafe has to go through, but to find a love that is so strong that we would both be willing to fight that hard to be together. That it wouldn’t even be a question of if we should, but only a question of what has to be done, and how do we do it?

Let’s try to not forget how hard some people struggle and work out there, just for the right to be in the same country as the person they love. Let’s not take the love around us so easily for granted❤️

So that’s it. A little story time, and a bit of a pep talk. Wish you all a wonderful day filled with love and wonders!

Things I Crave When I’m Sick

I’m always slightly amazed by the things that I crave when I’m sick that I barely crave otherwise.

Here are some of my cravings:

Green Grapes

When I was a little girl, my mom would always buy green grapes for me whenever I had to stay home because I was sick. I’m guessing that because of that I now automatically crave green grapes whenever I’m stuck at home with a cold and high fever.

Urge the Soda

Also known as SURGE in other countries. Why they changed the name here in Norway I do not know. This is a soda that I rarely drink. I actually rarely drink soda at all, but for some reason I crave this one whenever I’m sick. Have no logical explanation for it.

Emotional Movies

• 

• 

• 

Maybe I’ll just cry the sickness out of me? Well, I know it doesn’t work like that, but for some reason I always seem drawn towards the more emotional movies and Netflix shows when I’m feeling under the weather.

And also, a good cry feels good now and then! Just saying…

Ice Cream

Click on the picture to get to my Instagram💖

I very rarely crave ice cream in the middle of the winter, but it sure does feel nice for a soar throat to get a little bit of that cold and creamy sweetness. And especially like today, when I barely had the energy to get my sick ass from my bedroom to my bathroom, and then realized I was all out of toilet paper! So, I had to go to the store. And yes, I did check to see if I had any napkins or paper towels instead (as one does), but no such luck. So when I got myself to the store and felt like I was dying in the process to get there, I definitely felt like I deserved a tiny bucket of ice cream all to myself. No shame, no regrets!

Hugs and Backrubs

Now, I’m very comfortable in my situation as single and living on my own, but I sure do miss those comforting hugs and backrubs whenever I’m sick. I usually have my son or my dog here to at least offer the hugs and love, but right now, none of them are home. So instead, I’m the one hugging my warm water bottle, and when it comes to the backrub, I guess I should invest in one of those massage chairs or something. Because I have to admit that eve though I manage most things perfectly well on my own, massaging my own back is definitely not one of them.

Black Currant Toddy

This is a warm drink that brings me back to my childhood, although I can’t really recall it being something that used to be present when I was sick. But I think that because coffee doesn’t really taste that great to me whenever my tastebuds are messed up by a cold, I tend to crave sweeter tasting hot drinks like toddies and teas.

Chunky Books

I know, this one sounds like it makes absolutely no sense, but hear me out!

I usually reach for the not so chunky books because I do most of my reading on the go, and bringing a chunky book with me everywhere isn’t really that practical. Now, when I’m sick like I am right now, I tend to struggle with really bad headaches, and when I do, I don’t feel like reading at all. All I want to do is stay in a dark room, sleep, drink water and wait for it to pass. But when the headaches do subside, I do try to reach for the books again. And for once then I’m in a rare position where I’m not going anywhere, so reaching for the chunkier books kind of just happens. The backside to it is that I usually get well before I’m even close to finishing that book, so I have to drag it around with me anyways, but then again, I get to finally read a book that I might’ve been putting off just because I find the size to be intimidating. I might even end up loving it, and finding a new favorite book or author, and that’s always a treat💖

So, those are some of the things that I crave when I’m sick. Do you get any specific cravings when feeling under the weather?