Posts Tagged With: life

If Only We Could Replace Your Face

When I was about 14 years old, I had a crush on a guy that was my friend. We had som pretty long conversations over the phone, and I could always count on him being honest with me. I don’t remember much from all of the late night conversations we had, but there’s one conversation in particular that I will never forget. It’s the one who broke down my already battered self esteem.

I don’t remember how we got into the subject, but for some reason he told me that he’d overheard some of the guys talk about me. I asked him what they said, and at first he was reluctant to tell me. He did eventually tell me though, and in hindsight I wish he never had.

“The guys think you have a really good looking body, they just wish that they could replace your face.”

My whole life crumbled at that moment. The little self esteem a bullied 14 year old me had vanished. I remember crying in my room after my mom and the rest of the family went to bed. Sobbing as quietly as I could.

For years I only saw myself as “a body”. When I looked in the mirror I could appreciate my shape, but there were so many things I wanted to change when it came to my face. I got into modelling when I turned 18, and that made it even worse after a while. After seeing the photographers photoshop my nose smaller again and again, the complex I already had for my nose grew into a giant monster that was constantly sitting on my shoulders, whispering about how wrong my face was and how I should probably think about doing something about it.

It got to the point where I actually had booked a consultation with a plastic surgeon, but when the day came I just couldn’t bring myself to go.

I was determined to fix it one day though. For years it felt like something I really needed to do sooner or later.

Kids can be so cruel, but often they don’t know the impact their cruelty can have. And I really want to believe that they don’t know that their bullying can change peoples lives for years. The media business is a whole other story for another day.

I feel lucky that I’ve grown to love myself and the way I look. That I’ve learned to appreciate the things that makes me look different. Knowing that I wouldn’t want to live in a world where everyone looked exactly the same.

Do I still have moments where I don’t like what I see? Yes, that monster sometimes returns at weak moments and whispers things when I’m having a bad day.

Do I still want to do something about my nose? No, I have no plans of going through with rhinoplasty. This is the nose that my parents gave me, and this is who I’m supposed to be.

Self love is something that’s very important to me, and something that I’ve written and talked about several times. It’s something we all need to practice more and help each other out with. Self love can be a tough exercise, but we all need to do it and do it more often!

I’m currently taking notes for a few self love videos that I’m hoping to make this fall. I’m excited to be working on something that’s so important to me, and I look forward to sharing it with you guys!

Love yourself and share your love!

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Categories: Beauty, I was thinking about, My own writing, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Run Forrest, Run!!

Well I’m not planing on strapping on my running shoes and leave everything behind for an unknown amount of time, but I have been getting into running again. I started running again right before my vacation started, and I brought my workout clothes with me so that I could continue on with the good habit even though I’m away from home. And so far I’ve been doing really good. I’ve been out running every day  this week, and I can already feel a difference in my pace and endurance.

And one thing that I’ve noticed after I started taking my purple shoes out to get some air more often, is that my writing is flowing more smoothly. I’m very well aware that a healthy body helps out when it comes to a healthy mind as well, but I think the main reason why it’s having such a wonderful impact on my creative process, is this;

When I run, my mind clears up. I move through the forest and my thoughts run off to everywhere and nowhere all at once. It’s a form of meditation. A way to disconnect and silence all the inner voices that I shouldn’t listen to, and to connect with all that is good for me. The deeper into the forest I get, the deeper into my own mind I dive. And in the inner, most silent corners of my mind, I find the important parts. The thoughts that hides away in fear of being seen. The ones that shines brightly as soon as they are lifted out of the dark and into the light.

So that is one of the main reasons why I now drag myself out daily to sweat it out under the trees shadows.

I run because my mind need it. I run because the sounds of nature silence the words of doubt and fear. I run because I love how it makes me feel, and how it makes me write.

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The Mourning of Lost Love

A few weeks ago I watched Jason Silva talk about “The Rhapsody and Agony of Love” in this Shots of Awe video, and there was something he said that really stuck with me with me.

“What the fuck do we do? I’m still mourning. I’m still grieving for every love that I lost. How the fuck am I supposed to get over that? I didn’t sign up for these terms!”

Those words kept me up for hours after I should’ve gone to sleep. Anyone who knows me well (or read this blog for that matter) will know that I’m a hopeless romantic. I believe in the magic of love, and the power it has to change lives. I’ve loved and lost, and when it comes to being grateful as well as mourning lost love, I wrote a post about that not so long ago. You can find it here. 

What I haven’t talked about so often, but something that’s been a growing feeling I’ve had for a while now is that of uncertainty when it comes to relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe in love and romance, and I’m pretty sure I will fall in love again someday. But do I believe in happily ever after in relationships? I’m not so sure.

I’ve frequently been joking around with my friends, telling them that I’ve grown so comfortable with being alone that I fear I’ll never end up living together with someone again. I know that sounds pessimistic, but it really isn’t. This is a not a post for me to whine and rant about unavailable love. It’s more about the realisation that the fantasy of the one true love that so many live and breathe, isn’t a one size fits all kind of thing. It’s the idea that we might have to rethink the way we see relationships.. It’s the fact that I’ve been through the ups and downs of the wrong relationships, fallen in love with some amazing people that I’ve had to say goodbye to, I’ve had my heart broken and I’ve broken some along the way. Most of all, it’s the fact that I’m almost thirty years old now, I have a son and don’t want more kids, have no desire to gett married, and I refuse to just settle because “that’s what everyone does”.

I want to be blown away by love, but I’m not looking for perfection. Right now I’m not really looking for anything in particular, but if love should cross my path and swipe me off my feet, then I’m willing to give it a chance. My big heart might be full of cracks and scars, but it’s still open. It’s open for the possibilities of the future. And yet, I’m also slowing coming to terms with the idea that relationships just might not be the thing for me. Who knows. I guess I’ll just have to take it all as it comes and see what happens.

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Soul Pampering!

On Sunday Kaya and I had a very lazy start to the day. We sat on her balcony and soaked up the warm and sunny weather that came to Oslo for a short visit. We had coffee, breakfast and long conversations. We also did a bit of pampering with a face mask. It’s nice to treat oneself to a bit of pamper time once in a while. But while I was sitting there with my face covered in a black mask that was drying up and making it hard to talk naturally, it got me thinking.

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So many are constantly trying to make time to pamper and prep our appearances. Face masks, foot masks, pedicures, manicures, hair coloring, waxing and on and on. The amount of time and money that some people put into trying to look their very best is truly fascinating and more than a bit frightening. The idea that drives this (for the most part) seems to be that as long as you can get to where you want to be physically, then you’ll be fine mentally. I call bullshit!

There’s no denying that a lot of what we do physically affects our mind. Workouts, meditations, the food and drinks we consume, the places we travel etc. But these things I would consider as soul pampering. These are things that have direct links to our health and our souls. That french manicure does not, even though it makes your hand look cute and could easily boost a bit of your self-esteem, it doesn’t fix the tremble you might have from anxiety. That new hair color will make you smile a bit more when you look at yourself in the mirror, and bring lots compliments from others, but it will not sort all the chaos that might go on underneath it. That new dress makes you look like a movie star, and maybe he’ll look at you that way you like, but it will not the cure the itch you might feel whenever you’re stressed out of your mind.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t pamper yourself! I do it myself and it feels amazing! I’m just saying that we shouldn’t be fooled into thinking that working hard to be perfect on the outside is the key to feeling good on the inside.

Stay healthy and mindful. Take time to pamper your soul and listen to your heart. You can even do it while wearing a face mask! Spoil your soul with all the love that it deserves! Confidence and happiness will shine through and be easy to notice.

Take care of yourself mindfully. Anything will look good on a happy soul!

 

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Single with Love!

‘I know you enjoy being single and all, but don’t you miss love?’

She looked at me with judgemental eyes that were way easier to read than she probably wanted them to be.

‘Who says I don’t have love?’

When did not being in a relationship automatically become the same as lonely and without love? Just because I don’t share my rent with another person, suddenly I have no love in my life?

What a load of bullshit!

I’ve been single for almost a year now, and during that period of time I’ve met some amazing people. I’ve shared time and love with both men and women. Some are still in my life and some not. But they all have one thing in common; They’ve added something new to my life. They’ve helped me grow as a person. And through getting to know them, I also got to know myself a little better.

I have people in my life who’ve been there for many years. Friends I can’t even picture my life without. My best friends are my soulmates. The ones that I call when I need a shoulder to cry on, someone to laugh with or just to be distracted from my own thoughts. They are part of my roots, and no matter how far my lives branches stretch, they will always be connected to the those exact roots. Sometimes branches snap, but that doesn’t mean that they’re permanently broken. Over time a new branch will grow, and it will take a different shape than it had the last time around, but will still carry forth the most amazing leaves.

Some people didn’t stay around for that long. Some because they didn’t want to. Some because they couldn’t. I still love and miss them all. Because love is so much more than sharing your bed and your bills. Love is about connecting with people. It’s about growth and about being present.

Have I gotten my heart broken? Sure! Many times. Do I still love them? Absolutely!

The love might not be the same as it was, but it still lingers, like a distant memory. Because even if our relationship might change, it still contributed to my life and to the way that I love.

The beauty of cracks in a big heart is that even though it might bleed, the sunshine and warmth have more openings to enter through. I choose to be grateful for the love that I’ve experienced.

We fear the word love for being something that changes everything, but should we?  It’s been a long time since I feared the word love. Maybe I just love differently? Maybe it’s because I don’t believe in love being reserved for “the one”?

I like to say that I have too much love to give, for me to sit around and wait for one recipient. Because it’s better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all!

So to all of you wonderful people who’ve made my life to what it is today:

I love you! 

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I’ve been waiting 8 years for this!

About eight years ago I laid my eyes on a very talented man. His voice had this magical way of waking up emotions in me and I knew that his voice had somewhat changed my life.

And the rest is history!

Well.. Sort of..

After that day there’s been countless hours of listening. There’s been a trip to London, just to see him. And there’s been a lot of waiting.

I’m talking about my love for Jason Mraz and his wonderful music. His music has been such a big part of my life for the last eight years. I’ve laughed, cried and wondered with his voice being a present in the background. I’ve waiting and hoping for one of his tours to bring him back to Norway so that I could see another one of his concerts. It took long enough, that’s for sure. So long that I had to jump on a plane to London a few years back, so that I wouldn’t miss out on his Yes! Tour with Raining Jane. It was so worth the trip by the way!

But my wish came true. A little while ago a Scandinavian tour was announced and I knew that I had to be there!

So Kirsti, her boyfriend and I got tickets and made a night out of it! Sunday came and we got dressed up and went for a few beers and laughs before the concert.

And then it was time!

We got good seats and when the room darkened, Jason got on stage and the music began, I was lost in emotions! He started off with a new song (that annoyingly enough hasn’t come out yet, and now I can’t get it out of my head) and it was so beautiful! There was a wonderful atmosphere in the room, and even though there were some songs that I missed hearing, it was still a night of musical magic! I laughed, I cried and walked out of there with a big smile on my face and my heart filled with love!

What a wonderful night! I’m so grateful that I had the opportunity to experience yet another amazing concert with one of my all time favorite artists, and that I got to share it with wonderful people! ❤

It was well worth the wait, but I really do hope we don’t have to wait as long for his next performance in Oslo 🙂

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I was thinking about being alone…

Tonight I took myself on a movie date. It’s something I like to do for myself from time to time. And every time I do so, either high on fiction or lost in thought, I end up wandering around the streets of Oslo. I watch the city come to life at night, the people going from one place to another and I watch their faces and difference in moods. They give a swift glance of unknown stories. And as I walked around the city that was draped in a slightly see through blanket, protecting it from the darkness, I was struck by the feeling of wonder. I thought about being alone, and how it means something so completely different to me than it might do to most.

I thought about how we confuse being alone with being lonely.

I stood still and was surrounded by the noises nighttime offers and the blanket wrapped comfortably around me. People passed me and vanished into their own futures. I marveled at the unknowingly sharing of presence. And in a moment where I was completely lost in my own thoughts, a single tear found its way towards the ground I was lost on. Not one of sadness, but one of an overwhelmed mind. An old man and I shared a connection of souls through eyes at the very moment it happened. I offered him a smile, and got one in return. Momentarily rooted to the spot, having chosen to walk around alone, I felt surrounded by wonder and love. No person was any longer a stranger, for they were all faces connected to places that made us all cross paths.

In a world where you are everyone, and everyone is you, being alone doesn’t mean you have to be lonely.

I’ve grown to love the time I choose to share with all the people I have not yet come to know. Cherishing the time that I feel inner peace, even though I’m surrounded by the sounds of everyone else’s lives happening all at once.

I encourage you to be alone. I dare you to enjoy time with yourself. And I challenge you to come to terms with the fact that being alone and being lonely are like two completely different worlds. That lonely is a state of mind, alone is a choice of presence.

We are all surrounded by stories, by faiths and by connections. And only when you’re truly comfortable with standing on your own, only then can you open up a real invite to connect with the world around you.

We all feel lonely from time to time, and there’s nothing wrong with that! But the undeniable truth of it all, is that we’re all in this together.

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Song of the Enormous Heart – POEM

Inside a home of glass she stood

And tried as hard as she possibly could

To fill it up with color and song

Although every morning most was gone

Slipped through cracks barely able to see

Open wounds of what could not be

Desperately she tried to mend

With every song her soul could send

A cry for help to anyone who’d hear

As her fingers felt the growing cracks in fear

Whispers started slipping through

Speaking silently, but speaking true

Truth she almost couldn’t bear

But painfully cradled with care

Kept them safe as the cracks got longer

And her song grew ever stronger

She created every color her love could make

Exhausted to the point she’d almost break

But one day her home shattered to the ground

And her soul aimlessly floated around

All her creations wildly spread

And loudly whispers found her weary head

All her colors turned into her gown

And the pieces of glass was her crown

Her enormous heart beating strong

The melody of her most special song

One that no matter how broken or scarred 

Refused to see the world as hard

She loved with all her heart could take

Knowing her sanity was at stake

Until one day her heart devoured her whole

And all was left was a glimmer of soul

And in the dark was just a crack of light

A glimmer of memory, of her internal fight

And on the wind they could hear her voice

Singing of how she had no choice

Of how she loved with all she could

And wouldn’t change any of it, even if she could.

***

©Christina de Vries – Geek Heaven

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The Lost Sound

She sat on the porch and looked out over the big garden that stretched all the way down to the river that slowly passed by. Hopeful and waiting she studied each meter, but mostly she listened. Her ears were searching for that sound that had been with her for as long as she could remember. The one that made the green grass and the dancing river feel like her home. Minutes passed in silence, and every second that turned up without the sound seemed like a tiny eternity of something lost.

She wished for it to not be gone. For that day to turn over into the next where she would hear it again. Deep down though, she knew it had nothing to do with which day she listened for it. The silence had been there for days. Suddenly one morning it had just disappeared. She waited impatiently for it to return, but was waiting for something that never would be more than a memory.

A silent drop of salt water rolled down her cheek as she came to terms with the truth. She had grown older and ageing had robbed her.

She would never hear the crickets sing again.

©Christina de Vries

 

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Sometimes You Just Have to Bake

Today was not one of my best days. I just felt tired and slightly ill all day. Had a headache creeping up on my all day at work and it just didn’t want to let go! But as the positive person that I try to be, I tried my best to have a big smile on my face and pretend like I wasn’t in any sort of pain. It sort of worked, but as soon as I got home, had my dinner and Leander went out to play with some friends after he finished his homework, I just got so tired. I considered taking a nap, but felt like I had way too many things that I had to do. I wanted to cram in a little bit of writing, but my brain just wasn’t able to put words down onto paper at all, so I gave that up.

I stood a full ten minutes just staring out the window before my body started working without the mind really paying attention. It went to my cupboard and started picking out ingrediens for vegan cinnamon swirls. I then started to listen to one of my current listenings on Audible (which is Bird by Bird by Susan Bennett, if you were wondering) and then I just started baking. There was something so therapeutic about it. I definitely rediscovered my love for food and baking after I decided to go vegan, and the meditation of baking is just something that happened out of the blue. I tried a few recipes and then it just happened by itself. Now I find myself getting lost in the textures, the smell and taste. The joy of sharing what I make with friends, family or coworkers just gives me so much joy!

So my not so great day turned into two trays of cinnamon swirls! Not so bad! Not so bad after all 🙂

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