Posts Tagged With: love

The Mourning of Lost Love

A few weeks ago I watched Jason Silva talk about “The Rhapsody and Agony of Love” in this Shots of Awe video, and there was something he said that really stuck with me with me.

“What the fuck do we do? I’m still mourning. I’m still grieving for every love that I lost. How the fuck am I supposed to get over that? I didn’t sign up for these terms!”

Those words kept me up for hours after I should’ve gone to sleep. Anyone who knows me well (or read this blog for that matter) will know that I’m a hopeless romantic. I believe in the magic of love, and the power it has to change lives. I’ve loved and lost, and when it comes to being grateful as well as mourning lost love, I wrote a post about that not so long ago. You can find it here. 

What I haven’t talked about so often, but something that’s been a growing feeling I’ve had for a while now is that of uncertainty when it comes to relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe in love and romance, and I’m pretty sure I will fall in love again someday. But do I believe in happily ever after in relationships? I’m not so sure.

I’ve frequently been joking around with my friends, telling them that I’ve grown so comfortable with being alone that I fear I’ll never end up living together with someone again. I know that sounds pessimistic, but it really isn’t. This is a not a post for me to whine and rant about unavailable love. It’s more about the realisation that the fantasy of the one true love that so many live and breathe, isn’t a one size fits all kind of thing. It’s the idea that we might have to rethink the way we see relationships.. It’s the fact that I’ve been through the ups and downs of the wrong relationships, fallen in love with some amazing people that I’ve had to say goodbye to, I’ve had my heart broken and I’ve broken some along the way. Most of all, it’s the fact that I’m almost thirty years old now, I have a son and don’t want more kids, have no desire to gett married, and I refuse to just settle because “that’s what everyone does”.

I want to be blown away by love, but I’m not looking for perfection. Right now I’m not really looking for anything in particular, but if love should cross my path and swipe me off my feet, then I’m willing to give it a chance. My big heart might be full of cracks and scars, but it’s still open. It’s open for the possibilities of the future. And yet, I’m also slowing coming to terms with the idea that relationships just might not be the thing for me. Who knows. I guess I’ll just have to take it all as it comes and see what happens.

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London, My Dear London!

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It’s one of the hardest things to watch someone you love hurting. Especially when you know that there’s really not much you can do to make it go away, except for being there and trying to ease the pain.

When the news hit Oslo about the London Bridge terror, I was out having a few drinks with colleagues. At first we didn’t really know what was going on, and we hoped that it wasn’t as bad as we feared. Knowing we couldn’t do anything from the distance away that we were, we tried not to obsess over the news and continue on with our pleasant night out. It is safe to say that it wasn’t an easy task, but we managed to steer the conversation to other subjects and so the night went on. I left central Oslo to go home earlier than I planned. My party spirit had left the building.

Sitting on the bus on my way home, surrounded by drunks and lovers, I started reading the news once again. What met me on the screen made my insides twist and my heart ache.

Oh London, my sweet dear London, haven’t you hurt enough by now? Not only have you been struck several times, but your nearest and dearest that surrounds you was struck as well.

I got home and fell into a restless sleep, but have no recollection of my dreams. Maybe it is just as well.

The next morning I hurried out the door to catch my bus down to my hometown to visit family. I watched the news as I sat there on my way to the people I love. One news reporter after the other talked into their cameras from the same spots, and the blood drained from my face. I knew that spot. Borough Market, why hadn’t I recognised the name the night before? It is right next to the hostel that I stayed in when I traveled to London both in February and when I got stranded because of the British Airways disruption. I walked passed that market several times a day, just under a week before this happened.

“You never know. It could have just as easily have been you.”

My mom said to me as we talked about what had happened. And she was right. We never know when something like this will happen. It could just as easily happen to you or me, as anyone else.

“You shouldn’t go back for a while.”

This is where we disagreed! I will admit that every time something like this happens, I get angry. I get confused by how someone could find it in their hearts to justify something like this. But most of all, I get scared.

No matter how scared though, I will not let them take travelling away from me. I will not let them take London away from me. London has always felt like a home away from home, and I won’t let them take my home away from me.

In times like this, we need to focus on the love and not the hate or the fear. And this is why I promise you, my sweet dear London, that I will be back soon!

I love you London, and even though I’m far away, my heart and thoughts are with you and with everyone else who holds you dear.

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Soul Pampering!

On Sunday Kaya and I had a very lazy start to the day. We sat on her balcony and soaked up the warm and sunny weather that came to Oslo for a short visit. We had coffee, breakfast and long conversations. We also did a bit of pampering with a face mask. It’s nice to treat oneself to a bit of pamper time once in a while. But while I was sitting there with my face covered in a black mask that was drying up and making it hard to talk naturally, it got me thinking.

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So many are constantly trying to make time to pamper and prep our appearances. Face masks, foot masks, pedicures, manicures, hair coloring, waxing and on and on. The amount of time and money that some people put into trying to look their very best is truly fascinating and more than a bit frightening. The idea that drives this (for the most part) seems to be that as long as you can get to where you want to be physically, then you’ll be fine mentally. I call bullshit!

There’s no denying that a lot of what we do physically affects our mind. Workouts, meditations, the food and drinks we consume, the places we travel etc. But these things I would consider as soul pampering. These are things that have direct links to our health and our souls. That french manicure does not, even though it makes your hand look cute and could easily boost a bit of your self-esteem, it doesn’t fix the tremble you might have from anxiety. That new hair color will make you smile a bit more when you look at yourself in the mirror, and bring lots compliments from others, but it will not sort all the chaos that might go on underneath it. That new dress makes you look like a movie star, and maybe he’ll look at you that way you like, but it will not the cure the itch you might feel whenever you’re stressed out of your mind.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t pamper yourself! I do it myself and it feels amazing! I’m just saying that we shouldn’t be fooled into thinking that working hard to be perfect on the outside is the key to feeling good on the inside.

Stay healthy and mindful. Take time to pamper your soul and listen to your heart. You can even do it while wearing a face mask! Spoil your soul with all the love that it deserves! Confidence and happiness will shine through and be easy to notice.

Take care of yourself mindfully. Anything will look good on a happy soul!

 

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Single with Love!

‘I know you enjoy being single and all, but don’t you miss love?’

She looked at me with judgemental eyes that were way easier to read than she probably wanted them to be.

‘Who says I don’t have love?’

When did not being in a relationship automatically become the same as lonely and without love? Just because I don’t share my rent with another person, suddenly I have no love in my life?

What a load of bullshit!

I’ve been single for almost a year now, and during that period of time I’ve met some amazing people. I’ve shared time and love with both men and women. Some are still in my life and some not. But they all have one thing in common; They’ve added something new to my life. They’ve helped me grow as a person. And through getting to know them, I also got to know myself a little better.

I have people in my life who’ve been there for many years. Friends I can’t even picture my life without. My best friends are my soulmates. The ones that I call when I need a shoulder to cry on, someone to laugh with or just to be distracted from my own thoughts. They are part of my roots, and no matter how far my lives branches stretch, they will always be connected to the those exact roots. Sometimes branches snap, but that doesn’t mean that they’re permanently broken. Over time a new branch will grow, and it will take a different shape than it had the last time around, but will still carry forth the most amazing leaves.

Some people didn’t stay around for that long. Some because they didn’t want to. Some because they couldn’t. I still love and miss them all. Because love is so much more than sharing your bed and your bills. Love is about connecting with people. It’s about growth and about being present.

Have I gotten my heart broken? Sure! Many times. Do I still love them? Absolutely!

The love might not be the same as it was, but it still lingers, like a distant memory. Because even if our relationship might change, it still contributed to my life and to the way that I love.

The beauty of cracks in a big heart is that even though it might bleed, the sunshine and warmth have more openings to enter through. I choose to be grateful for the love that I’ve experienced.

We fear the word love for being something that changes everything, but should we?  It’s been a long time since I feared the word love. Maybe I just love differently? Maybe it’s because I don’t believe in love being reserved for “the one”?

I like to say that I have too much love to give, for me to sit around and wait for one recipient. Because it’s better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all!

So to all of you wonderful people who’ve made my life to what it is today:

I love you! 

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I’ve been waiting 8 years for this!

About eight years ago I laid my eyes on a very talented man. His voice had this magical way of waking up emotions in me and I knew that his voice had somewhat changed my life.

And the rest is history!

Well.. Sort of..

After that day there’s been countless hours of listening. There’s been a trip to London, just to see him. And there’s been a lot of waiting.

I’m talking about my love for Jason Mraz and his wonderful music. His music has been such a big part of my life for the last eight years. I’ve laughed, cried and wondered with his voice being a present in the background. I’ve waiting and hoping for one of his tours to bring him back to Norway so that I could see another one of his concerts. It took long enough, that’s for sure. So long that I had to jump on a plane to London a few years back, so that I wouldn’t miss out on his Yes! Tour with Raining Jane. It was so worth the trip by the way!

But my wish came true. A little while ago a Scandinavian tour was announced and I knew that I had to be there!

So Kirsti, her boyfriend and I got tickets and made a night out of it! Sunday came and we got dressed up and went for a few beers and laughs before the concert.

And then it was time!

We got good seats and when the room darkened, Jason got on stage and the music began, I was lost in emotions! He started off with a new song (that annoyingly enough hasn’t come out yet, and now I can’t get it out of my head) and it was so beautiful! There was a wonderful atmosphere in the room, and even though there were some songs that I missed hearing, it was still a night of musical magic! I laughed, I cried and walked out of there with a big smile on my face and my heart filled with love!

What a wonderful night! I’m so grateful that I had the opportunity to experience yet another amazing concert with one of my all time favorite artists, and that I got to share it with wonderful people! ❤

It was well worth the wait, but I really do hope we don’t have to wait as long for his next performance in Oslo 🙂

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I was thinking about being alone…

Tonight I took myself on a movie date. It’s something I like to do for myself from time to time. And every time I do so, either high on fiction or lost in thought, I end up wandering around the streets of Oslo. I watch the city come to life at night, the people going from one place to another and I watch their faces and difference in moods. They give a swift glance of unknown stories. And as I walked around the city that was draped in a slightly see through blanket, protecting it from the darkness, I was struck by the feeling of wonder. I thought about being alone, and how it means something so completely different to me than it might do to most.

I thought about how we confuse being alone with being lonely.

I stood still and was surrounded by the noises nighttime offers and the blanket wrapped comfortably around me. People passed me and vanished into their own futures. I marveled at the unknowingly sharing of presence. And in a moment where I was completely lost in my own thoughts, a single tear found its way towards the ground I was lost on. Not one of sadness, but one of an overwhelmed mind. An old man and I shared a connection of souls through eyes at the very moment it happened. I offered him a smile, and got one in return. Momentarily rooted to the spot, having chosen to walk around alone, I felt surrounded by wonder and love. No person was any longer a stranger, for they were all faces connected to places that made us all cross paths.

In a world where you are everyone, and everyone is you, being alone doesn’t mean you have to be lonely.

I’ve grown to love the time I choose to share with all the people I have not yet come to know. Cherishing the time that I feel inner peace, even though I’m surrounded by the sounds of everyone else’s lives happening all at once.

I encourage you to be alone. I dare you to enjoy time with yourself. And I challenge you to come to terms with the fact that being alone and being lonely are like two completely different worlds. That lonely is a state of mind, alone is a choice of presence.

We are all surrounded by stories, by faiths and by connections. And only when you’re truly comfortable with standing on your own, only then can you open up a real invite to connect with the world around you.

We all feel lonely from time to time, and there’s nothing wrong with that! But the undeniable truth of it all, is that we’re all in this together.

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Song of the Enormous Heart – POEM

Inside a home of glass she stood

And tried as hard as she possibly could

To fill it up with color and song

Although every morning most was gone

Slipped through cracks barely able to see

Open wounds of what could not be

Desperately she tried to mend

With every song her soul could send

A cry for help to anyone who’d hear

As her fingers felt the growing cracks in fear

Whispers started slipping through

Speaking silently, but speaking true

Truth she almost couldn’t bear

But painfully cradled with care

Kept them safe as the cracks got longer

And her song grew ever stronger

She created every color her love could make

Exhausted to the point she’d almost break

But one day her home shattered to the ground

And her soul aimlessly floated around

All her creations wildly spread

And loudly whispers found her weary head

All her colors turned into her gown

And the pieces of glass was her crown

Her enormous heart beating strong

The melody of her most special song

One that no matter how broken or scarred 

Refused to see the world as hard

She loved with all her heart could take

Knowing her sanity was at stake

Until one day her heart devoured her whole

And all was left was a glimmer of soul

And in the dark was just a crack of light

A glimmer of memory, of her internal fight

And on the wind they could hear her voice

Singing of how she had no choice

Of how she loved with all she could

And wouldn’t change any of it, even if she could.

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©Christina de Vries – Geek Heaven

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Tipsy Talk – Single at Pushing 30

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Surprise – Poem

Just once, careful

Barely touching, wonderful

Once more, intense

Heart filled with hope, suspense

Something needed, bliss

Soft lips, a kiss

Lost in eyes, that look

One kiss, all it took.

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©Christina de Vries – Geek Heaven

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Underneath by Christina de Vries – POEM

Under a blue umbrella

Someone clearly missed

Beneath the sunny skies

Memories of one kissed

Behind the smile

All that’s left behind

Hidden in a lost face

Might be happiness to find

He looked and thought it obvious

By seeing, he just knew

Feelings can be easily disguised

Especially the true

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©Christina de Vries – Geek Heaven

Picture from The Blue Umbrella by Pixar.

Picture from The Blue Umbrella by Pixar

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