I can’t turn it off…

Do you know what I miss? I miss the time when I could pick up a book, disappear into it, and leave the troubles of the real world behind for a little while.

And before I say anything else, I am very aware of the privilege it is to allow oneself to escape. A lot of people in the world don’t have the luxury of doing so. And the trouble that a lot of people face every day is a lot worse than what I’m writing about here. But I just want to share my thoughts today because I feel like my brain is boiling over soon.

For the last four days, I’ve been feeling anxious, worried, stressed, and sad. My energy levels are just extremely low and my body is making it hard to do anything but to stay put. And while I know that there’s a perfectly good reason for the physical limitations I’m going through right now, it feels like it is just making everything else escalate and get worse in my own thinking box.

I’ve been trying to read for the last few days, but my mind wanders to all the news and worries that are popping up. It’s like a horrible Jack in the Box that constantly keeps popping up, but instead of some weird clown, it’s showing me all the things that are going on at the moment in the world that we are living in and it scares me. To be honest, I would rather have the clown popping up any day!

I read about and see people who just blatantly disregard the regulations and recommendations to try to get control over a global pandemic. People are mourning close friends and/or family taken away from them because of a virus, injustice, or both. Leaders of certain countries are allowed to keep on leading even though they outright lie and disrespect the people that they are supposed to protect. People who treat other people or animals like they’re not worth anything. Women and men fearing to be honest about who they are or what they feel.

There’s so much sadness, madness, and injustice in this world. Usually, I’m able to reroute my focus over to the beautiful, wonderful, and positive things in this world, but in the last few days, I’ve really been struggling to do so.

It feels like my mind is filled with noise and dark imagery and I can’t turn it off!

I know that I’m very lucky to have so much love and so many wonderful souls in my life, I don’t think I would be able to cope with all this without them. And I know that I will get through this dark fog and come out on the other side to find the sun shining on all the good things once again.

But for now, I’m just trying my best to take the time needed, to not feel guilty about all the things I don’t have the energy or headspace to get around to, and to not be afraid of reaching out to the loved ones around me.

These are challenging times for all of us, and we don’t have to act strong all the time, even though it’s hard.

I love you guys for taking the time to read and watch what it is that I create and put out there💛 It truly means the world to me, and it makes the rough days so much easier to get through.

You are beautiful! You matter! And it’s okay to not be okay🌻

You Can Miss Someone and Not Want Them Back

“I miss him.”

“Why? He broke your heart? You know he’s no good for you!”

Sounds familiar?

Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s perfectly okay to miss someone and not want them back! If you need it, then I hereby give you the total freedom to miss that someone. Just try to not get completely lost in it, and make decisions that you know aren’t good for you out from that feeling. Because the missing someone, we can’t really control, no matter how much we’d like to. But we are in control of our actions based on the feelings we feel.

And even though a relationship ended for all the right reasons, or all the wrong reasons, there is a good chance that you can still look back on that relationship and see some of the parts that was good about it. You’re allowed to miss that. Often it isn’t really about missing that someone anyways, it’s usually about missing what that someone made you feel.

How you smiled more, how your heart skipped a beat, how you impatiently looked forward to the next time you would see each other again, and how your body reacted to that other person’s touch, sounds and/or smells. It is only human that when someone or something that took up so much space in your everyday life, suddenly just doesn’t, that it takes some adjustment.

I believe that we find ourselves again after every breakup, and that someone we find is naturally different from the one we used to be.

Because who are we are tend to change when you and I turns into we, and as a couple we tend do evolve together as well as on our own. And when that evolved entity breaks apart, we are left with a part that feels unfinished. We feel broken, and after the grieving and the worst of the pain we start the search, not for the one, but for the one we want to be. And that someone isn’t always the one we used to be. Sometimes it’s someone entirely different. Sometimes it’s finding a whole new you.

Well, I guess everyone’s path to walk and way to process is different, but this is how I usually experience going through a breakup.

And even though I am very grateful and happy or all the experiences that I’ve had, and how much I’ve learned from them, I still find myself missing the good parts of relationships that obviously wasn’t meant to be.

I used to beat myself up about it, but I try not to do that anymore. Instead, I let the emotions go through me, then I remind myself of the thing that I don’t miss, and afterwards I make a mental list of what I can take away from the experiences. What have I learned about the things I want (and don’t want) in my life and in my relationships.

Life is a constant education, and we have to try our very best to make the most of it. Because life is short and love is precious. People can be cruel, but they can be pretty awe droppingly amazing too.

So, don’t beat yourself up for missing someone you don’t want back. Acknowledge the fact that after everything you’ve gone through, you’re still able to see the good things in all the hurt. You love yourself enough to miss the warm feeling of your own happiness.

Give yourself a big hug (or imagine that I’m giving you one) and then get out there and make some new memories.

You deserve that happiness❤️

Love Your Mistakes

We all have them. Those moments where we make a choice, and at the very second that it’s made, we know that it’s probably a mistake. For some reason though, I’m guessing mostly out of uncontrollable curiosity, we do it anyways. Sometimes it’s a make it or break it move, other times it’s just a tiny thing that doesn’t really have much of an impact. Sometimes we end up regretting the choice for a long time, other times though, even though it looks like a mistake, it’s the exact right move that needs to be made. A messy road that needs to be walked to get through the chaos and come out on the other side to find the right path.

Sometimes a moment of the present seems so much like a nostalgic part of our past that it’s hard to be mindful of the fact that nothing has really changed, and then you lose yourself in it. Making the choice to walk it will have you running around in a circle of what could have been, but isn’t.

A bittersweet moment of walking through all of the what ifs and all of the dreams and hopes that you’ve already worked so hard to let go of. And you find yourself in the eye of the storm, with a blurry vision of everything around you. You’re blissfully and painfully aware of what is, and what’s to come at the same time. Then you wait.

The storm either hits you hard when you’re not quite ready yet, or you choose to take the painful steps into it. You let it hit you, and you let yourself feel all that needs to be felt so that you can come out through the other side as a stronger and wiser human being.

Sometimes, being hit by the storm is the only way of making sure that you won’t get trapped by the very same storm once again in the future. The next time you see it approaching, you will know where to turn and how to prepare yourself. You’ll recognize it for the pain that it caused and the new pain that it promises. You will no longer be fooled into the mirage of what you want it to be, as opposed to the reality of what it actually is. You will know better!

Do not get yourself down for the mistakes that you’ve made. The choices that you wish were different. It has already been done, and no matter how much you practice the what if game, it will not change anything.

Learn to love your mistakes. Be grateful for whatever it has taught you about other people, but mostly about yourself.

I can promise you one thing though; you will make new ones!

That is the beauty and the pain of being human.

Just know that your mistakes do not define you, but you can make the choice to grow from them. To learn, to get better and to be grateful❤️

I very recently made a mistake. A wrong choice that I knew I should have not made. A path to walk that I instantly knew that I probably should not venture out on. Now, I find myself here on the other side, and even though the walk came with pain and tears, it also came with a profound healing. It was just the path that I needed to walk to realize the reality and the difference between my past dreams and the present. I could finally see it all for what it actually was, and I can finally move on.

Does it still hurt? Hell yeah! In so many ways! But now I know that the pain is part of the healing and of the letting go. I have no desire to go back. I have no need for what ifs, and I am no longer a host of delusions for some dream that will never come true.

Dear mistake, I wish I didn’t have to experience you, but I’m glad that I did. I love you for all that you’ve taught me, and for all that you will continue to teach me.

Thank you❤️

The Rejection Letter

Last year I sent a short story to a publisher, applying for their short story collection for debut authors. It was a long wait of many months before the dreaded rejection letter (or rather rejection e-mail) arrived in my inbox a little over a week ago.

They did get over 400 stories in and there’s only room for 12 stories in the book, so I wasn’t super optimistic about getting it, but I did hope of course.

As a writer, you usually do get used to the rejection letter, but it still sucks whenever it arrives.

It’s not something that breaks my spirit though. With every rejection, you have the choice to either let it break you, or you could use it as a motivator to keep going and get even better. I choose the latter.

So now I’ve decided that I’m going to translate the short story into English and try to submit it to some international writing competitions. Fingers crossed!

Writing is my passion and the thing that I will never stop doing, for as long as I live.

So let me pour myself a glass of something good and raise it in honor of to the rejection letter and the art of writing! To never giving up and to keep on writing! To getting up every time one falls down!

Cheers guys!

 

You Are What You Love, Not Who Loves You!

Back in the day, when I was a kid, I had so many plans for my future. I had plans to be exactly where I wanted to be by the time I was 25, and I would not even think about starting a family before that had happened. Needless to say, things didn’t really go as planned. I’m pretty sure that’s the truth for most of us when we look back on our lives.

I am now 30. I have a 10 year old son. I’m a dedicated YouTuber. I’m working on a poetry collection. The first draft of my first novel is almost done. I’m working in retail and I’m dying to travel more, see more, live more!

This wasn’t how I pictured my life would be at all. Some days that thought happens to get me a bit worried, but most days I enjoy life for what it has offered me so far. How I’ve come to be the person that I am today. And even though I haven’t reached all of the goals I set for my self as a little girl, I’ve already accomplished a lot.

I love the fact that my wanderlust just grows and grows. A lot of the things I thought would be important to me when I was younger, I’ve come to learn aren’t important at all. And some of the things that I never thought I’d care for, has become solid foundations in my life.

But there is one thing that has never changed, and I can say with damn certainty it never will, that is my passion for writing. I found it when I was so young that I can’t even remember it. I’ve been chasing it, and living it ever since. Writing and writing and writing! And I’m just as much a writer as everyone else who loves to write.

Fall Out Boy together with Elton John has a wonderful song (one of my absolute favorites) and in that song there’s a line that always gives me goosebumps:

"You are what you love, not who loves you!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9cnBxSB1jUE

I love that line! And I find it to be so true that it sometimes hurt just thinking about it. We let ourselves be defined so easily by other people’s idea of who we ought to be. I know way to many who have given up their dreams for more sensible and safe options, and they almost always feel like there’s something missing. But HEY, that’s what growing up is all about, right? To that I say HELL NO!

I know my passion, my dreams! It has evolved over the years, for sure. Making videos for a passion in addition to writing just grew organically, and now they go hand in hand. Every single day I practice gratitude. And one of the things that I’m just as grateful for, every single day, is the fact that I still have that spirit of the dreaming child that was me so many years ago!

I look at my son now and I hope that he never loses it either. I see the sparkle in his eyes when he dances, or when he creates something, and I always promise myself that I will go down, kicking and screaming, for his right to have his dreams, to chase them, and to live them!

I will try my very best to teach him to LIVE A GREAT STORY, just as I am teaching and reminding myself to do the same, every single day!

YOU ARE WHAT YOU LOVE, NOT WHO LOVES YOU!

Don’t ever forget that! And I will be here to remind you of it, for as long as I can!

FIND IT! CHASE IT! LIVE IT!

Went Back to Refuel!

The past weekend I went back to my hometown to visit my family, and to celebrate my birthday. As soon as we got on the bus, I could feel myself relax a bit more and being able to let go of a lot of the tension I’ve been struggling with the last couple of weeks.

And when I got the first hug when we arrived, I realised just how much I needed to get out of Oslo and back home to refuel. I’ve been thinking that I needed to go away to somewhere new to get some new impulses and inspiration, and although I still feel the need for that as well, going home made a big difference.

Just to be surrounded by family and their love was very much needed. And I could feel the motivation to get back to creating slowly coming back to me. I’ve been writing a lot, but no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get back in front of the camera for a video. Finally, that changed!

Follow me on Instagram: featherpen87 ☺️

My mom and stepdad got me a Canon EOS 200D, the very camera that I’ve been saving up to eventually buy. I was all shaky hands and teary eyes when I opened it up, and it took a while for me to actually believe that it was real. But there it was! The one I’ve been wanting, and then the rush of creative lust came over me.

Sometimes it’s really hard to get back on track with creating when I’ve been gone for a little a while, and it’s been especially hard this time around. Because of that, the relief I felt when the want to create came back, it was borderline overwhelming.

And now I’m excited, and a little nervous. The YouTube break has come to an end. Tomorrow I will sit my ass down in front of my new glorious camera, and I will once again do more of what I love to do!

I am so grateful for the presents, for the love and for the conversations this past weekend. It gave me more than I ever could have imagined. And I had no idea just how much I needed it.

I was thinking about chapters…

When I look back on my life I see it as many different chapters. Some I remember with a smile on my face and others not so much. There’s been struggle, laughter, pain and smiles. This does not make me unique, it makes me human. But everyone has their own unique collection of chapters.

The thing about life and personal growth is knowing when it’s time to close a chapter and start a new one. I very recently did just that. I’m not going into detail about this at this very moment, but there was something in my life that needed changing and finally I got the opportunity to make that change. To start a whole new chapter that I’m very excited about.

Closing chapters can be bittersweet for sure. Even though the chapter wasn’t a particular good one it’s still the ending of something and endings can be difficult. It’s a weird thing, how something so much needed can feel like such a relief and in the same way so hard. Sometimes it can be about security and routine. About the fear of making changes to everyday life. Other times it’s the fear of making the wrong choice. To go into another chapter that has an even worse ending than the one you just closed. 

My chapter was one that was more a relief than anything else. Every new chapter comes with a new set of risks, new obstacles to cross and new roads to take. Roads that might take you closer to your dreams or they might guide you to a whole new dream. Some might feel like a setback, but any closed chapter is at least one new lesson learned. 

My new chapter is the start of something very exciting. Something that has taken me closer to my dream and my goals. It’s scary but I’m mostly overwhelmed with excitement and happiness. There was a time not so long ago when I felt stuck in a chapter where I didn’t really have any idea of where my life was headed. It was driving me crazy with worry and making it hard for me to stay as positive a person as I usually am. But now that I’ve finally closed that chapter and started a new one I can feel that positivity coming back to me and even though the last year has been a har one, now things are starting to work themselves out. I’ve worked hard to get here and to even be able to start this chapter at this very moment. 

There’s been a lot of pain and a lot of changes that had to be made. There’s been times where I was so tired of it all and felt like I really could have gone without the struggle, but now at this very moment I choose to look at it in a different light.

If I hadn’t gone through all of that, I might’ve not ended up where I am right now. And who knows where it will all lead? Because that’s the scary and wonderful part of it all. You live the book of life from page to page, not knowing what will come. Chapter after chapter, your character develops into something more, something different and something new. 

When you feel like something isn’t right then change it. Finish the chapter and close it up. That big dream of yours might be just around the corner. You just have to turn the page and start on your next chapter.

I was thinking about childish things..

There is something so utterly magical about how the minds of children work. And being one of them who’s (hopefully) going to be a child at heart for the rest of my days I find it particularly sad whenever I meet someone who doesn’t remember what it was like to be a child. To play and use ones imagination to the fullest and not caring if it didn’t make sense to anyone else.

I believe that writers (like myself) can easily access that door into their own childlike mind. Maybe it is that we partly just refuse to grow up completely. Because who would ever want to do that?

I’m not saying that being an adult doesn’t have its advantages. But there really isn’t much that can top that adventurous bliss of childhood. I would easily trade every party for the opportunity to climb that tree that touched the sky for the first time again. To explore the forest behind my mother’s house and look for treasures. To dream about what my life would be when I grew up before I even knew what being a grown up meant. To look at the world as my own and packed with the possibility to become anything I could ever dream of and never care about any form of limitation.

I could be the best unicorn rider in the universe. I could travel to any planet at anytime. I would learn to fly and to breathe under water. To talk to animals and shift into any shape. Tame dragons and be the greatest heroine of our time.

The possibilities were endless!

I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I still dream of all those things! And the greatest part is that I partly get to make them come true every single day. Liar, you say? No no! Let me tell you how.

I read and I write. 

This is my escape from the obligations, the bills and the boring parts of being a grown up. I get to be a child (yet again) every single day, if I want to! I can discover the wonderful universes created by others or I can make up my own. A place where I decide the rules and where I can explore everything for the first time just as I did with that forest behind our house.

I could never imagine myself a life without the possibility to enjoy this kind of imaginative escapes. And that is one of the things that I definitely wish for my son. For him to enjoy being a child for as long as he possibly can. To find the joy in reading books and making up his own stories and universes through storytelling and play. To allow himself to be childish even as he’s venturing into adulthood. To dare to dream and make his own future no matter how impossible it may feel at times.

There is so much joy in keeping your inner child alive. To stay creative and to explore.

Let’s run out there into our well known world as if it was completely new to us. Explore it and see it with childish eyes.

Come on! I dare you 🙂 

***

Motivation in Poetry

I consider myself quite the positive person, but as I have mentioned in other posts; It can be hard to be positive in a negative world.

Some days I need a cup of extra motivation. I find this motivation in poetry, literature and art in general. I find it in smiles, friends and kind words. I find it my son, my family and flowers on the ground.

I needed a little of that motivation today, and as I searched around for poetry that was new to me I stumbled upon Mary Oliver and her poem “The Journey”. Now I’m sharing it with you.

***

The Journey

 

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice–

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

“Mend my life!”

each voice cried.

But you didn’t stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do–

determined to save

the only life you could save.

– Mary Oliver

Have a great day!

And don’t forget:

– Nishan Panwar

Needless Worries!

There are so many things that we choose to worry about that are in so many ways meaningless. Yes! I wrote choose, not because I think that we want to worry about these things, but because our mindset isn’t right. We tend to focus on the problems that life can bring instead of all the joys it offers. I’ve thought a lot about this the last couple of days and there are way too many worries to put them all into one post, but let’s set things straight with a few of them.

 ***

What if he/she doesn’t like me for who I really am?

I’m guessing most of us have thought just that at some time or another in our lives. We’ve met that special someone that spellbinds us and we so desperately wants to be the person that they want so we choose to alter the way that we act, dress or do things. We adapt ourselves to a potential partner for a potential that (when you really look at it) doesn’t exist at all, even though we want it to.

The simple truth is this: If he or she doesn’t like you for who you are, then you two aren’t meant to be together! It really is as simple as that!!

But I know that love is a little devil that likes to take us on a rollercoaster and sometimes surprises you by making it end up in the house of horrors, but we need to try to see things differently even in Cupid’s haze. We talk about looking for love and wanting all these different qualities and for some reason when we find that person that has a lot of them we tend to overlook everything else about that person that might hold all the warning signs and proofs that it wont last. We enter a fairytale state where we are in love with being in love and the reality of it all doesn’t hit us until it’s time to crash and burn.

Be yourself, look for a person that likes you for you and don’t settle for anything else!

I don’t have time to do the things that I love!

So you love singing, writing, photography, making movies, building model airplanes or drawing? You have a passion or a hobby that warms your soul and stimulates you creatively but you just can’t find the time for it?

I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but if you love it that much (same goes for dating and relationships) you make the time!!

Set your priorities right! Turn off the TV, put away your smart phone, decline that party invitation and do the thing you love. I know it can be tough to do this. Some days are long and demanding and when you get home you just want to sit down and watch some crappy TV show, but when you think about it that doesn’t really do much for you, does it? Think of how much joy and excitement you get from doing the things that you love!

Can we agree that the feeling that gives you is a way better ending to a rough day than watching what’s happening in the life of the Kardshian’s?

What if I fail?

You’re going to..

I know that sounds pessimistic, but it really isn’t. Look at all the great names in history and you will see that none of them got to where they were without failing more than once. Failing is a way of seeing the things that we need to change. It’s a motivation to keep on trying and to try even harder.

Everyone will fail and fall down, but does who succeeds are the ones who get up and keeps on going!

Be that person!

 ***

I could go on and on and on, but I’m not going to. I think you already get the picture! We need to be the change that we want to see in other people. We need to follow our hearts and not our worries!

Follow the love. The love for what you do. The love for a person loving you as who you are. The love of your goal.

Any kind of love really, as long as it is real true love!