Story Time!

Now this is a story all about how
My life got flipped turned upside down
And I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there
I’ll tell you how I fell in love with my first love this year

I promised you guys the cheesy story of how I met the man that I’m now sharing a home with, and it’s quite the story.
It all started the summer before 7th grade. One of my good friends in my class had a cousin that was moving to town and he was going to start in our class. Now, it’s been 20 years. I don’t remember our exact first meeting, and I don’t remember who asked who, but somehow we ended up being girlfriend and boyfriend that summer before school started. One day I will find my old diaries and see if the whole detailed story was written down way back when.

Mikael was the first boy I kissed. Not just a peck, but really kissed. That happened when we were at a school dance. I remember being all excited about the prospect of the big first kiss happening, and I even told my best friend Kirsti all about how it was going to happen.
He and I went outside and sat behind a big mound that everyone used to play King of the Mountain on recess. We nervously looked up at the stars, I told him I was a little cold and he offered me his jacket, and then it happened. The very first REAL kiss! I was all nervous, giddy and sweaty-palmed.

Sounds like something right out of a way too cute movie, right?! But I promise you that it’s all true!

We were together for about five months. There were monthly anniversaries, making out in the dark while listening to R. Kelly’s “I believe I can fly”, and lots of emotions.

Then, (cue dramatic music) disaster happened!
His parents decided to move. He had to change schools, and it was over 20 minutes to drive there. That doesn’t sound so dramatic, right? But at the age of 12 and extremely few amounts of buses that could easily bring us to each other and back again, we decided to end the relationship. We both cried.

Many years went by, and we met now and again. When we were seventeen, we went to the same school once again, but not in the same classes.
I moved away from home after that year, and I didn’t see him for quite a few years after that, but (as we’ve discovered later on) we stayed in touch. He was much better at keeping in touch than I was.

He also started to spend a lot of time with one of my brothers as they had a mutual interest in music production and DJing. So, for many years he was still close with my family, but not that closely connected with me.

There was a birthday party of mine quite a few years later on that he attended, but I had a boyfriend at the time.

I turned 18, and I started doing some photoshoots here and there. Because of a modeling job I did at 18, I was invited to a specific party some years later. I brought three of my girlfriends with me. Apparently, he was there, and I didn’t even see him, but he saw me. And he has later on spilled the beans and told me that he was too nervous to come up to me for a chat. Silly Mikael!

Quite a few years went by after that were we texted now and then. Mostly Mikael trying to get in touch with me, and sending reactions to stuff I posted online, and me thinking that he was being a total dude who was only interested in me for one single thing, I paid little attention to these messages, and politely chatted with him if he started up a conversation. Oh yeah, way to make myself sound like somewhat of a judgemental sourpuss. I blame a lot of the men I’ve dated over the years for that.

We did, however, text a bit about the challenging times we both experienced in our relationships. Mikael had moved to Copenhagen in 2012, and I moved back to Oslo around the same time.

Then came 2018. Jason Mraz posted the schedule for his European Good Vibes Tour in 2019, and he wasn’t coming to Norway. But not going was not an option, so if Mraz wouldn’t come to the Norwegian, the Norwegian had to come to Mraz.

After going through both the tour schedule and my schedule, I was left with three options: Amsterdam, Copenhagen, and Vienna. I found out that Amsterdam had already sold out, and flying to Vienna was a lot more expensive than taking the bus to Copenhagen. I had also been looking at a tattoo shop in Copenhagen where I wanted to get my next piece of ink. The decision was made, and the tickets to see Mraz in Copenhagen were booked, and several months of waiting began.

The end of February arrived and I was sitting on an overnight bus to Copenhagen when Mikael and I started texting, and we talked about meeting up while I was in town.

“I’m headed to the Jason Mraz concert tomorrow, and there are still tickets available. You’re more than welcome to come along if you’d like!”

I didn’t think he was going to say yes, but he did, and then he booked his ticket. Then I started to get a little bit nervous.

What if it got super awkward? What if it turns out that we have nothing to talk about?

All of a sudden, I was 12 years again, with a belly full of butterflies that didn’t really make sense to me.

I had a few hours during the day where I checked in to my hostel, walked around the city and just enjoyed being the traveler that I am.
And later that night, we met at the train station. We hugged, and it was obvious that we were both a little shy and awkward, but it turned out that I had nothing to fear when it came to conversations. We talked and talked. We had some wine, and then the concert started. Mraz got up on stage after the warm-up band, and a little while into the concert, Mraz turned into the greatest wingman ever.
“Put your arms around the person standing next to you.”
And he did. I leaned into him and it all felt so new and known, exciting and safe, all at the same time. We stood there, swaying to the music, and his arm stayed in place around me.

After a little while, my mind started to race:
Is he going to kiss me? Why hasn’t he tried? Why do I want him to? Why do I feel like a nervous 12-year-old again? Why am I freaking out? IS HE GOING TO KISS ME ALREADY?

I’m usually not the one to make the first move, but right then and there, I decided to kiss him. And again, I had all of those feelings. It felt so familiar, but then again, it also felt totally new to me.
It was a night of swaying, kissing, blushing and beautiful music. We both cried.

I went to the hostel, and he went home, but before we went our separate ways, we made plans to meet for dinner the next day.
I remember going to bed that night (slightly tipsy and surrounded by 10 other snoring people) wondering if I might have made better choices when it came to love at the age of 12 than I had in the years after. Or could it all just be unfinished business that made it exciting? My tipsy self was confused and didn’t know what to think. My sober self the next morning was none the wiser.

We met for dinner the next day after I had gotten inked, and we were both acting like nervous teenagers. Both unsure of how to act. None of us daring to kiss each other. Both regretting not to after I got on the bus to go back to Oslo.

We texted a lot in the weeks after that visit, and we agreed on the fact that there was something there, but none of us felt sure about exactly what that something was. Both worrying that it might have been just unfinished business that made it all seem so exciting, or if it could be something more than that.

But what we did know was that we wanted to find out more about what that something could be. So we decided to spend Easter together. He booked a bus ticket to Oslo for April, and then life went on while we waited.

Easter came, and we were both quite nervous. It turned out to be the most wonderful time. We spent hours talking, day and night. We cuddled. We took things slow. And it felt so comfortable, so right, and so exciting, all at the same time. And when the time came for him to go back to Copenhagen, I didn’t want him to. I also didn’t feel like dating anyone else. He was my guy if he would have me. He did!

Trips back and forth. Phone calls for hours. And texting… So much texting!

And I realized one thing. Long distance relationships are tough! Especially when you live in different countries. I didn’t feel like missing him all the time. I wanted to look him in the eyes, not stare at a screen.

So, we talked it over, and he decided to move back to Norway. Not just that, but move in. Normally I would freak out at the prospect of moving in with someone that quickly, but for some reason, it just felt right.

And because this post is way too long already, I will just say that the rest is history!

Adjusting to living together has been interesting, challenging, but also fun and wonderful! I love him more and in a different way than I’ve loved any man before him. My plans for the future have changed as we’ve made plans together, and I’m so excited about all the new memories we’re going to make! And we’re bringing you guys along for some of it as well!

I’m so grateful, and I feel so incredibly lucky! And I guess that fills my cheesiness quota for a while.

Wish you all a wonderful week filled with love, laughter, experiences, and adventure!

A Secret Love Letter

I’ve been keeping you secret for a while now, and I will continue to do so for a little longer. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m overwhelmed with emotion that has a need to come out. So here it is, a secret love letter:

In a time when I had sworn off dating, promised myself that I wouldn’t put myself in a position where I could get hurt again, and found myself comfortable with the aspect of being alone, you just showed up.

A blast from the past that I never saw coming.

I was so unprepared for it that it still baffles me to think about having you in my life. It feels completely surreal, but it also feels more real than anything I’ve felt for a really long time.

It is not the obsessive uncertainty and constant worry. It is not a head filled with questions, and a fear of the answers they would possibly bring. It is not a tornado of butterflies in my stomach or the struggle with trying to understand mixed signals.

You are like the ocean. When you’re around I feel completely relaxed and at home, and there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.

Your love makes me feel completely safe. It wraps around me like a warm blanket, and it keeps me away from the cold that I’ve grown too accustomed to.

I have so many questions, but they’re all out of excited curiosity, not fear. Our future together is like Christmas, and I’m the impatient child that wants to find out what kind of magic is wrapped up and will unfold when the time comes.

Watching you around the people I love the most, seeing how you fit in as if you were always there, is like watching the most beautiful sunrise. It warms my soul and moves me to tears.

It is awesome how your dorkiness goes so perfectly with mine. We’re both idiots, and I love it!

When you cried at the ending of one of my favorite movies, that was the moment I wanted to tell you that I loved you the first time, but I didn’t. That came later.

We can talk about anything together, and that’s magic in itself. We both have our pasts and our stories. Here there are no secrets, no shame. There’s honesty and openness in a way that I’ve never experienced before.

After getting you back into my life, I’ve woken up feeling grateful every single day. Most of my days are good, some are bad, but through all of them, I feel gratitude so intense that it sometimes burst out as happy tears at the most random times and places.

The awesomeness that is us has made me question a lot of the things I thought I was so certain about. It has made me do a lot of big-picture thinking, and it has been the most amazing surprise.

Your support for my passion feels like having a whole cheerleading team behind me. It means the world to me, and I have a hard time expressing it at times. I hope you know that I support your dreams just as much!

There’s no way to really end this letter because this is just the beginning after all.

But I just wanted to say that I love you, and I can’t believe we’re here at this time of our lives, together.

Thank you for being you, and for loving me and all my weirdness.

I will keep you to myself for a little longer, but I’m excited to be able to share our adventures with the world soon!

❤️

PS: If you thought this was cheesy, then know it is all your fault! You brought the cheesy romantic in me back to life. Blame yourself and get bloody used to it 😜

You Can Miss Someone and Not Want Them Back

“I miss him.”

“Why? He broke your heart? You know he’s no good for you!”

Sounds familiar?

Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s perfectly okay to miss someone and not want them back! If you need it, then I hereby give you the total freedom to miss that someone. Just try to not get completely lost in it, and make decisions that you know aren’t good for you out from that feeling. Because the missing someone, we can’t really control, no matter how much we’d like to. But we are in control of our actions based on the feelings we feel.

And even though a relationship ended for all the right reasons, or all the wrong reasons, there is a good chance that you can still look back on that relationship and see some of the parts that was good about it. You’re allowed to miss that. Often it isn’t really about missing that someone anyways, it’s usually about missing what that someone made you feel.

How you smiled more, how your heart skipped a beat, how you impatiently looked forward to the next time you would see each other again, and how your body reacted to that other person’s touch, sounds and/or smells. It is only human that when someone or something that took up so much space in your everyday life, suddenly just doesn’t, that it takes some adjustment.

I believe that we find ourselves again after every breakup, and that someone we find is naturally different from the one we used to be.

Because who are we are tend to change when you and I turns into we, and as a couple we tend do evolve together as well as on our own. And when that evolved entity breaks apart, we are left with a part that feels unfinished. We feel broken, and after the grieving and the worst of the pain we start the search, not for the one, but for the one we want to be. And that someone isn’t always the one we used to be. Sometimes it’s someone entirely different. Sometimes it’s finding a whole new you.

Well, I guess everyone’s path to walk and way to process is different, but this is how I usually experience going through a breakup.

And even though I am very grateful and happy or all the experiences that I’ve had, and how much I’ve learned from them, I still find myself missing the good parts of relationships that obviously wasn’t meant to be.

I used to beat myself up about it, but I try not to do that anymore. Instead, I let the emotions go through me, then I remind myself of the thing that I don’t miss, and afterwards I make a mental list of what I can take away from the experiences. What have I learned about the things I want (and don’t want) in my life and in my relationships.

Life is a constant education, and we have to try our very best to make the most of it. Because life is short and love is precious. People can be cruel, but they can be pretty awe droppingly amazing too.

So, don’t beat yourself up for missing someone you don’t want back. Acknowledge the fact that after everything you’ve gone through, you’re still able to see the good things in all the hurt. You love yourself enough to miss the warm feeling of your own happiness.

Give yourself a big hug (or imagine that I’m giving you one) and then get out there and make some new memories.

You deserve that happiness❤️

How Easy We Take it for Granted

Let me tell you a little story…

Today while I was sitting at a cafe in Copenhagen, I sat next to a woman and her father. The woman was crying, obviously frustrated and distraught. Her dad stroked her shoulder, and then he stood up to go and use the restroom. She then picked up her phone and called someone. I couldn’t help but overhear the conversation, or at least one side of it.

Her voice was so sad, and she told her love on the other side of the line the long process they would now have to go through because of complications, before they can potentially start a life together in Denmark.

With tears running down her face, she explained how they wouldn’t be able to see each other for the next three months, just to make sure that everything was being done according to the rules.

They agreed on that being the best thing to do while another tear rolled down her cheek, and they finished their phone call with;

‘I love you.’

Three months away from the person you love, that’s a long time. I wanted to hug her, to let her know that everything would be fine, and that love always finds a way. But who would I be to say such a thing? I’m not even sure I believe that love conquers all anymore. I have no idea if they will be fine.

But it did hit me that getting to see and hear this kind of fighting for love is the complete opposite from what I usually see. It is the counterpart to my experiences of having something great and then just give it up. This is choosing to stay, choosing to not give up, to fight for the right to be able to be together.

How easy we take that for granted! Most people meet, fall in love, and then choose if they want to take it further or not, with no other complication than their own thoughts and worries. But out there, some people have to fight to be together. They have to go through months (or even years) of struggle and time apart, before someone else makes the decision for them, or they have to start all over with another new process.

This is why I stopped dating. Why I deleted all the apps. Because so far it has not lead me even close to something so real that both parties are willing to truly try, and to fight for it. And no, I’m not saying that everyone else is the problem, because I’ve found myself in the situation where the other party wants to jump, but I wasn’t ready to take the leap because it didn’t feel right.

Now, if I find love, I hope that I won’t have to go through all the trouble that the woman crying beside me in the cafe has to go through, but to find a love that is so strong that we would both be willing to fight that hard to be together. That it wouldn’t even be a question of if we should, but only a question of what has to be done, and how do we do it?

Let’s try to not forget how hard some people struggle and work out there, just for the right to be in the same country as the person they love. Let’s not take the love around us so easily for granted❤️

So that’s it. A little story time, and a bit of a pep talk. Wish you all a wonderful day filled with love and wonders!

Love is Still the Answer

If it’s one thing that will never cease to amaze me, it’s how much hurt people can experience and still be able to dare to love afterward.

We all go through so much with our hearts in our hands, outstretched and vulnerable. Sometimes we experience that heart to meet another one, and they wrap themselves in each other. It can last for a few minutes, weeks, months, or maybe even years.

Other times, that vulnerable heart takes a leap of faith out of your hands, headed straight for the ground with no one to break the fall, just you to pick up the pieces.

Our hearts they bleed, and they scar. They wrap themselves in layers of protection, but somehow they always find a way to strip the layers, sooner or later. Sometimes they need a little help to get those layers off, other times, it’s just self-love that removes those layers, one by one.

Isn’t it amazing how most of us choose to go back to love over and over again, no matter how badly it hurt the last time around? One can sometimes wonder if that makes us the most stupid species of all, or the most wonderful. I choose to see us as wonderful.

For if we don’t choose love to guide us, what does that make us? If the experiences and pain of our past would make us unable to love another, how wasted wouldn’t our lives be?

But the way that we trust and love, it changes. The way we love when we are young and naive is not the same way as we love when we are older and more experienced. I’m not sure that this is a change for the better. I guess it depends on the situation.

I sometimes long for the naive kind of love that I could experience as an early teen before I knew what real heartbreak felt like. Before I learned to fear a possible outcome before I even allow myself to fall. But there’s also a beauty in all the pain one has gone through. The way I’ve learned to pick myself up again, to set boundaries, to love myself enough to say no and to see the love of friends and family to be the purest love of all.

I don’t think I would like to love naively in the world of modern dating. I’m pretty sure that would set me up for disaster. But I do hope that no matter how far away from love I feel like I’m drifting, I will always find my way back to it. That I will always allow myself to trust love again, no matter how much it scares me. And that I won’t be blinded by the layers of past events, so much so that I won’t be able to see new and real love if it crosses my path.

We, humans, are extraordinary in the way that we love when it’s done without games or hidden agendas. When it’s real, pure, and raw. When it’s done from a place of not being able to choose anything other. When we love enough to want the other person happy, no matter if that takes them away from us. When it’s kind and giving. When it’s just love❤️

Love is Still the Answer❤️

This post was inspired by one of my favorite songs from Jason Mraz’s latest album. It’s a song that has brought tears, smiles and moments of me singing out loud and dancing around, hugging myself in my living room❤️

I moved on, but there’s still love.

After the pain of a breakup or a fallout from a relationship, whether it’s a longterm one or “just” dating for a while, there will come times where the pain will resurface.

Moving on doesn’t mean that you stop loving the person. For me, when I move on from a relationship where there’s been love involved, the love doesn’t necessarily go away. I think that true love, for both lovers and friends, means that you want the best for that person, no matter if that involves you or not. And in the cases of unrequited love especially, there’s that part of me that wants nothing but happiness for the other person even though it hurts like hell knowing that I won’t be a part of that happiness.

Time heals, but after the moving on from what ended, it can still be painful to watch the lover of the past move on with someone else. To see that look in their eyes that used to be so familiar, being sent someone else’s way can be hard. To know that the fingers that used to intertwine with yours are now getting to know the feel of another hand. That the lips you used to kiss are kissed by someone else. It can feel a bit like ripping up an old wound. It’s kind of like looking at a mirror that’s just off. One that shows part of what you remember and also part of what you thought the future would look like.

A little while ago I experienced just that. I was the witness of someone that was a big part of my life obviously moving on with someone new. They looked so happy together. They looked like there was no one else in the world but the two of them.

As I looked at them I was so happy for the two, but I also felt like something split open inside of me. I felt a whole range of emotions in such a short period of time, and I was completely overwhelmed and unprepared for it.

So, I did what I normally do when I encounter moments where I find myself a bit lost. I took time to myself, both alone and with people that I love and trust. I was very mindful of everything I felt. I wrote, a lot. And I processed.

I don’t have the answers to why we feel like we do, or what the right path to go is, but here’s where my thoughts gathered:

Even though I moved on, there’s still love.

Even though there’s still love, doesn’t mean that I want you back.

Even though I don’t want you back, I want you to be happy. 

And even though I’m happy for you, it still might hurt.

All the best, that’s my wish for you, and for me❤️

 

The Things I’m Left With

Through the years, there have been some people who came into my life and are now no longer a part of it. Some ended in goodbyes, some just disappeared and other’s are still around, but not in the same way.

Here are some of the things they left behind:

• I have new holes in my bookshelves. I’ve given away so many books, and I don’t regret a single one. That being said, there are also some new additions to my collection that came from people who stopped by. Thank you💛
• I now kind of like pineapple on pizza, and I like raisins, which are both things that I used to despise! You made that happen and I have no idea how. Thank you❤️
• So many of the songs on my Spotify playlists are ones that are left behind, and ones that I probably would have never discovered if it weren’t for some of you. Thank you💛
• More depth to my stories and my characters. Every single one who has ever been a part of my life are poured into my writing. Some inspire a whole character and/or story alone, while other’s only play a tiny part. My stories would’ve never been the same without you guys. Thank you ❤️
• Some of the destinations I’ve traveled to were gifts or invites. The trips would have never been the same if it weren’t for some of the adventurers I’ve met. Thank you💛
• Some of the courage that is now a part of my everyday life comes from having to stand up to you. I wish it didn’t have to happen, but I’m happy for all that it has taught me. Thank you❤️
• My self-love! None of you gave it to me, but if my heart hadn’t been broken in so many pieces that it has, I probably wouldn’t have learned to cherish every piece as much as I have. Through the cracks, new flowers bloom, just as the pain caused by you turned into a love for myself. Thank you💛
• Those things that I now know that my body likes and can do. In the way that hands explored my body, I got to know it in new ways. By allowing you to explore, I learned new trails on this map of my body. Thank you❤️
• The knowing of the fact that I’m still able to fall in love. There’s been a lot of pain through the years. For every time I’ve opened up to one of you, taken down my guard and then ended up broken, it gets harder and harder to do it again. But for every time that it happens, I’m also reminded that I can still fall in love. It’s nice to be reminded that even though I’ve been broken, all the parts still work.            Thank you💛

 

These are some of the things that I’m left with, and I’m insanely grateful for each and every one of them!

The answer is love and gratitude. Having that as my main focus has changed my life in ways I couldn’t even have imagined.

Thank you❤️

To Any Potential Someone

Don’t we all have those moments where we wish that new potential someones that come into our lives could do so with an instruction manual attached to them? But that would also ruin some of the fun with getting to know someone truly.

So if you ever find yourself here as a potential someone in my life, I will not give away everything (you’ll have to figure some things out on your own), but here are some things I’d like you to know:

If you find my side of the bed empty in the middle of the night, don’t assume that something is wrong. 99% of the time you will find me lost in writing, either on my mac or in a notebook.

Tread carefully though, because I will most likely be somewhere far, far away and I scare easily, so make some careful sounds so that you don’t scare me to death.

I know the night writing might be a bit frustrating but on the plus side:

I will make breakfast!

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I’m vegan, but that doesn’t mean that you have to be. However, I don’t want any meat to be prepared in my home. That’s just the way it is!

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I will get lost in books. I completely lose track of time and place if the book gets its hold on me. Sorry, but not sorry!

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Speaking of books; you have to read them. Not necessarily the same ones, or even the same genre as me, but if you present the phrase “I don’t read books!” then I’m sorry, but I think we should see other people. This is a dealbreaker!

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I cry all of the time but don’t be alarmed. Most of the time it’s not because I’m sad, but I do get easily moved to tears. So if you find me crying when the first snow falls, at a concert, when you do something charming, watching a sunset, watching pets be reunited with their owners etc. then I’m just emotionally moved, but still having a wonderful time. 

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I need space and me-time. 

I think having time to oneself is extremely important. Both for you and for me. Being together 24/7 will suffocate both parties. I want you to go out and do the things that you love, and I will do the same. Of course, I want us to do things together as well, but it’s important that we both take the time to prioritize alone time and time apart too. Even if we should find ourselves to be a “we” that does not mean that we’re now one person, we are two awesome individuals that want to spend time with each other.

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The Wanderlust is strong in this one! 

I will probably continue on with going on new adventures for the rest of my life. You don’t have to come along for every one of them, but if you have the opportunity to come on some, then I would love to share those experiences with you! 

If you don’t have the time, or you don’t want to go, that’s fine too. Just know that I will still venture out on them, and I’ll see you when I get back.

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I can be a real dork sometimes! I hope you are too 😜

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I’m very open about pretty much everything in my writing and my videos. I share a lot of my life there, and you have to be comfortable with that. If this is a potential something, it’s going to be freaking hard if you’re not. 

And if you’re willing to join in on the fun, then that’s awesome! Could totally be down for having a good partner in crime😜

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I suck at fighting! That’s why I pretty much never do it. I’m all for a good discussion, but fighting does no one any good. And I have a hard time expressing myself if I get angry, so if (at the start of an argument) I tell you that I’m going for a walk, then let me. It’ll let me clear and gather my thoughts, and then I’ll be ready to talk. If I don’t get that space to breathe, nothing will make any sense and nothing good will come out of it. 

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 I’m a mom, and any potential someone has to be very aware of that going into a potential something. If I introduce you to my kid, that means that I’m serious. That’s a big sign of trust and faith in whatever this might be. 

He doesn’t need a new extra parent, that’s not what I’m saying, but he is a big part of my life, and if any potential someone wants to be a part of my life, then you’re immediately a part of his life too. That is not a responsibility that should be taken lightly. 

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In some ways I’m very traditional, in others I’m extremely open-minded. Let’s talk more about that over a few glasses of wine😝

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I’m 99% sure that I don’t want to have more kids. It’s not that I don’t love kids, and I’m not saying that someone could not be a potential someone if they themselves have children, but I have no urge to start all over with babies. I did the baby thing almost 11 years ago, and for me, that gap has just gotten too big now. So if you have a deep desire to grow a big family, then I’m probably not the girl for you. 

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I text when I’m drunk, so if you get weird messages and cryptic GIFs in the middle of the night, just don’t overthink it 😂

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I’m all about self-love and body positivity. If I hear you fat-shame anyone then we’re done! I have zero tolerance for bullying!

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Last, but not least: I love to cuddle ❤️

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And that’s where I’m ending this. Can’t give it all away! But maybe now you know a little bit more than you did before, and the rest I guess we’ll just have to figure out as we go✌🏻

 

 

Seconds ● POEM

It’s enough to start something

I like you

Enough to define something

I love you

Enough to end something

It’s over

Enough to close the gap

I miss you

Enough to increase the distance

I let you go

☼

©Christina de Vries

Single with Love!

‘I know you enjoy being single and all, but don’t you miss love?’

She looked at me with judgemental eyes that were way easier to read than she probably wanted them to be.

‘Who says I don’t have love?’

When did not being in a relationship automatically become the same as lonely and without love? Just because I don’t share my rent with another person, suddenly I have no love in my life?

What a load of bullshit!

I’ve been single for almost a year now, and during that period of time I’ve met some amazing people. I’ve shared time and love with both men and women. Some are still in my life and some not. But they all have one thing in common; They’ve added something new to my life. They’ve helped me grow as a person. And through getting to know them, I also got to know myself a little better.

I have people in my life who’ve been there for many years. Friends I can’t even picture my life without. My best friends are my soulmates. The ones that I call when I need a shoulder to cry on, someone to laugh with or just to be distracted from my own thoughts. They are part of my roots, and no matter how far my lives branches stretch, they will always be connected to the those exact roots. Sometimes branches snap, but that doesn’t mean that they’re permanently broken. Over time a new branch will grow, and it will take a different shape than it had the last time around, but will still carry forth the most amazing leaves.

Some people didn’t stay around for that long. Some because they didn’t want to. Some because they couldn’t. I still love and miss them all. Because love is so much more than sharing your bed and your bills. Love is about connecting with people. It’s about growth and about being present.

Have I gotten my heart broken? Sure! Many times. Do I still love them? Absolutely!

The love might not be the same as it was, but it still lingers, like a distant memory. Because even if our relationship might change, it still contributed to my life and to the way that I love.

The beauty of cracks in a big heart is that even though it might bleed, the sunshine and warmth have more openings to enter through. I choose to be grateful for the love that I’ve experienced.

We fear the word love for being something that changes everything, but should we?  It’s been a long time since I feared the word love. Maybe I just love differently? Maybe it’s because I don’t believe in love being reserved for “the one”?

I like to say that I have too much love to give, for me to sit around and wait for one recipient. Because it’s better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all!

So to all of you wonderful people who’ve made my life to what it is today:

I love you!