You Can Miss Someone and Not Want Them Back

“I miss him.”

“Why? He broke your heart? You know he’s no good for you!”

Sounds familiar?

Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s perfectly okay to miss someone and not want them back! If you need it, then I hereby give you the total freedom to miss that someone. Just try to not get completely lost in it, and make decisions that you know aren’t good for you out from that feeling. Because the missing someone, we can’t really control, no matter how much we’d like to. But we are in control of our actions based on the feelings we feel.

And even though a relationship ended for all the right reasons, or all the wrong reasons, there is a good chance that you can still look back on that relationship and see some of the parts that was good about it. You’re allowed to miss that. Often it isn’t really about missing that someone anyways, it’s usually about missing what that someone made you feel.

How you smiled more, how your heart skipped a beat, how you impatiently looked forward to the next time you would see each other again, and how your body reacted to that other person’s touch, sounds and/or smells. It is only human that when someone or something that took up so much space in your everyday life, suddenly just doesn’t, that it takes some adjustment.

I believe that we find ourselves again after every breakup, and that someone we find is naturally different from the one we used to be.

Because who are we are tend to change when you and I turns into we, and as a couple we tend do evolve together as well as on our own. And when that evolved entity breaks apart, we are left with a part that feels unfinished. We feel broken, and after the grieving and the worst of the pain we start the search, not for the one, but for the one we want to be. And that someone isn’t always the one we used to be. Sometimes it’s someone entirely different. Sometimes it’s finding a whole new you.

Well, I guess everyone’s path to walk and way to process is different, but this is how I usually experience going through a breakup.

And even though I am very grateful and happy or all the experiences that I’ve had, and how much I’ve learned from them, I still find myself missing the good parts of relationships that obviously wasn’t meant to be.

I used to beat myself up about it, but I try not to do that anymore. Instead, I let the emotions go through me, then I remind myself of the thing that I don’t miss, and afterwards I make a mental list of what I can take away from the experiences. What have I learned about the things I want (and don’t want) in my life and in my relationships.

Life is a constant education, and we have to try our very best to make the most of it. Because life is short and love is precious. People can be cruel, but they can be pretty awe droppingly amazing too.

So, don’t beat yourself up for missing someone you don’t want back. Acknowledge the fact that after everything you’ve gone through, you’re still able to see the good things in all the hurt. You love yourself enough to miss the warm feeling of your own happiness.

Give yourself a big hug (or imagine that I’m giving you one) and then get out there and make some new memories.

You deserve that happiness❤️

Why I Deleted My Dating Apps

So, it’s been three years since I had my last long term relationship. Three years of self-discovery, dating, heartbreaks, experiences, new friends, lost lovers and dating apps.

But over a month ago, I deleted the dating apps on my phone, and today I’m going to tell you why.

But first, let’s talk about dating apps in general.

Did you know that a university in Texas did research on dating apps and mental health? And what they found was that a steadily increasing number of users experienced feeling less satisfied with their face and their bodies after using dating apps!

Dating apps have also been linked to depression and increased levels of anxiety.

And the worst part about all of this is that I’m not even a little bit surprised.

I’ve had an on and off, love/hate relationship with Tinder for the last three years. I’ve lost count of how many times I have deleted the app, just to end up reinstalling it a week later after a couple of glasses of wine and then finding myself swiping my way to sleep.

Now I’m not going to say that Tinder is all bad. I’ve met some amazing people through the app and had some incredible adventures. I also learned a lot about myself and what I’m actually looking for.

But the increasing dissatisfaction and lowered self-esteem, I felt that too.

After several let downs by people who claimed to be looking for something serious and later admitting to not be ready for something serious (which is a bullshit excuse to try to let someone down easy instead of being honest), ghosting, and downright weirdness, I was starting to feel my self-confidence drifting away.

I found myself feeling lonely and down more often. Going on first dates no longer felt exciting for a possible good outcome, but more of a complicated track to a potential letdown. My positivity to love and dating almost disappeared completely. And when I found myself not having a natural skepticism to new people, but having the expectations of them going to hurt me in one way or the other, that was the time when I knew I had to make some changes.

To be completely honest with you guys, the night I deleted my Tinder, I sat on my kitchen counter eating peanut butter straight out of the jar and crying my eyes out because I felt lonely. I poured myself a glass of my favorite whisky, started writing down a list of things I wanted to focus and use my energy on, and then I found my phone and deleted Tinder and Happn. I felt so relieved!

And because that was a low, lower than one I had ever reached because of dating, there was a feeling of that choice being more permanent than any of the other times I deleted the apps.

So, what happened after that night?

Firstly, I haven’t been tempted to reinstall it once!

Secondly, I felt my confidence and happiness levels slowly and steadily rising again.

And thirdly, my creativity flourished!

I found myself focusing more on the things that I truly love. And without the mood swings and hours wasted on trying to search for connections, I got so much more work done than I had in a long time.

To stop pursuing dating was the best decision I have made in a really long time!

Now I’m not saying that I will never date again, but I’m not spending my time searching for that next first date, the next potential connection. I’m done with dating being a way to pass time by swiping left and right. Life simply is too short for that!

So instead of spending time on dates that goes nowhere, I’ve traveled more, written more, and met some freaking amazing people! I’ve started taking myself on me-dates again like I used to do. I’ve found my confidence back, and I find myself smiling for no reason so much more often, just like I used to. I feel like I’ve found my way back to the me that I love, and to the creativity that I’m so passionate about.

I know a lot of people find their partners through Tinder and other dating apps, and I think that’s absolutely fantastic! The world needs more love!

But I have found that my life is better without dating apps in it❤️

I Get Lonely Too…

I love spending time in my own company.

But don’t you get lonely?

Of course I do!

So, this is a question I often get when I talk about self-love and being single. In a modern world where everyone is in such a rush to find the perfect job, the perfect partner, and to build the perfect life, I find myself in less and less of a rush to settle down.

Now don’t get me wrong, I would love to meet a partner in crime. I would love to have someone to drink coffee with in the morning, travel the world with, and make memories and have new experiences with. But even though I don’t have all of that in a man in my life right now, that doesn’t necessarily mean that I feel like something is missing in my life. I’m very lucky to have the wonderful people in my life that I have, to be able to travel, have food on the table, a bed to sleep in and a roof over my head. Even more so, I’m incredibly lucky to be able to have new experiences and make memories with my son!

But being grateful with my life as a single woman doesn’t mean that I never get lonely. And feeling lonely at times doesn’t mean that I’m unhappy.

My happiness isn’t solely based on the romantic relationships that I’m in, or in my case aren’t in at the moment. I work hard and I’m very mindful about how I treat myself and what kind of energy I surround myself with. Being happy isn’t something that magically happens when you get a partner. Being happy comes from gratitude, friendships, mindfulness, and self-love.

I love my life, even though I’m constantly working on reaching the goals and dreams I have set for myself. But the reason I find so much happiness in the life that I have is that it’s all I have. This, here, RIGHT NOW! It’s all that matters, and the only thing that’s for certain. We don’t know how long we get to stay, how many people we get to love, how many times we get to hug our friends and family. So why do we live in the past that has already left us, or the future that we have no guaranty of?

So yes, I am lonely sometimes, but this is all a journey, and is equally as much one, with or without a partner ❤️Make sure you enjoy it!

The Dealbreaker

Sometimes relationships end because people fall out of love. Sometimes it’s the right person at the wrong time or the wrong person at the right time. Sometime’s it just doesn’t feel right. Other times one is left without really knowing the reason.

All of the above. I’ve been there. But this time I want to talk about dealbreakers.

Sometimes the right person comes along. Someone who is funny, kind, liked by your friends, the sex is great, the conversations even better, not afraid to show affection, or to plan things for the future together.

And sometimes that perfect bubble bursts when you realize that you both have a dealbreaker that completely crashes with each other.

I experienced that a little while ago. Everything was going great until it wasn’t. For a few months I was no longer the single girl, but in a weird turn of events (after a few years of errors and heartbreaks) I found myself in a relationship again. A relationship with an absolutely wonderful guy. We had so much fun together, and I missed him whenever we were apart. I guess we lived in a bubble of the starting phase of it all. As time went by though, he realized that having kids of his own was more important to him than he first thought.

This is a thing that’s a dealbreaker to me. I think kids are wonderful, and I love my son more than anything, but I can’t picture myself starting all over with a baby after so many years. I’ve written about this before, and just like I wrote then I still am 99% sure that more kids are not in the future for me.

And to continue on in a relationship with someone that truly wants kids of their own would be bitterness waiting to happen. I don’t want to put someone through that, and neither did he.

Breakups are sad, no matter how right they are. But I do want to send out a thank you to this wonderful man that I got to share my life and my thoughts with for a few months.

Opening up was hard, but you gave me hope again. Even though I opened up to something that eventually ended, I am no longer as afraid and pessimistic about love and dating, as I used to be.

You helped me out of a place where I feared love. A place where every potential someone was more of a potential heartbreak than anything else. You proved to me that there are still nice guys out there. And yes, nice boys do kiss like that!

Thank you for helping me out of the dark hole of the dating world that I had fallen into.

I wish you nothing but the best, and the woman that ends up with you will be so, so lucky!

Lots of love  ❤️

The Shitty Side of Being Single

I know that I write a lot about self-love, taking myself out on dates and personal growth while being single, and I stand by all of that! I think it’s so incredibly important to learn to love oneself! I think it’s important to grow and be mindful of the situations that you find yourself in!

That being said, there are moments in single life (as well as in relationship life) that are just shitty. So in the name of honesty, here are some shitty sides of being single:

💩 No Spoon Sundays

I’m not saying you can’t spoon someone on a Sunday even though you’re single, but there will be Sundays when you wake up alone and all you wish for is for someone to big spoon you all day on the couch while you both eat junk food and candy, and watch Netflix. Sometimes those days are a little shitty.

💩 The Ghosting

Anyone who’s ever been through the dating game for a while will have been through the shitty experience of being completely ghosted and it sucks! I’m not talking about going on one date, not feeling it and then moving on. Even though I wish we were all that upfront and honest about our feelings. I even wish I was that bold!

No, I’m talking about the settings where you’ve dated for a while, you know you’re super into the other person, and you’re pretty confident that they feel the same way (or even better; they tell you that they are *melt*) and then all of the sudden *POOF* they’re gone. No explanation, no heads up, they just disappear. It’s one of the really shitty and unfair sides of being single and dating. People have so little respect for other people’s feelings that they do not dare to voice their own. It’s a bloody shame, and I’m pretty sure we can do better than that!

💩 The Shareable Memories

You know that moment where you find yourself watching an extraordinary sunset, you travel and something unbelievable takes place, or there’s just a regular day where something small, but beautiful happens. I love moments like that, but sometimes I come across them and I just wish that I had someone that could experience it together with me. Someone that I can later sit and reminisce with. Someone to share the moment that will soon become a memory with. Although I want to mention that each and every moment like that makes me so grateful to be alive and there ❤️

💩 Couple’s Nights

That moment where you find out that you’re the only one at the party who arrives alone. Sometimes you just own it, other times, it feels a little shitty.

💩 Paper (t)Issues

When you find yourself on that white marble seat, needing some toilet paper, and then realizing that you left the newly bought pack of 18 rolls in the kitchen. That’s just shitty, plain and simple. Knight in shining armor (with toilet paper to the rescue), where the fuck are you when you’re needed?!

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So there you have it; Some of the shitty sides of being single.

It’s not all laughs, adventures, hot escapades and smiles… But most of the time it’s a pretty awesome life if that’s what you make it into ❤️

Love yourself and the pieces of shit that comes your way won’t matter all that much❤️ Just clean it off, put on a smashing new outfit and rock on! You got this!

 

 

To Any Potential Someone

Don’t we all have those moments where we wish that new potential someones that come into our lives could do so with an instruction manual attached to them? But that would also ruin some of the fun with getting to know someone truly.

So if you ever find yourself here as a potential someone in my life, I will not give away everything (you’ll have to figure some things out on your own), but here are some things I’d like you to know:

If you find my side of the bed empty in the middle of the night, don’t assume that something is wrong. 99% of the time you will find me lost in writing, either on my mac or in a notebook.

Tread carefully though, because I will most likely be somewhere far, far away and I scare easily, so make some careful sounds so that you don’t scare me to death.

I know the night writing might be a bit frustrating but on the plus side:

I will make breakfast!

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I’m vegan, but that doesn’t mean that you have to be. However, I don’t want any meat to be prepared in my home. That’s just the way it is!

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I will get lost in books. I completely lose track of time and place if the book gets its hold on me. Sorry, but not sorry!

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Speaking of books; you have to read them. Not necessarily the same ones, or even the same genre as me, but if you present the phrase “I don’t read books!” then I’m sorry, but I think we should see other people. This is a dealbreaker!

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I cry all of the time but don’t be alarmed. Most of the time it’s not because I’m sad, but I do get easily moved to tears. So if you find me crying when the first snow falls, at a concert, when you do something charming, watching a sunset, watching pets be reunited with their owners etc. then I’m just emotionally moved, but still having a wonderful time. 

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I need space and me-time. 

I think having time to oneself is extremely important. Both for you and for me. Being together 24/7 will suffocate both parties. I want you to go out and do the things that you love, and I will do the same. Of course, I want us to do things together as well, but it’s important that we both take the time to prioritize alone time and time apart too. Even if we should find ourselves to be a “we” that does not mean that we’re now one person, we are two awesome individuals that want to spend time with each other.

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The Wanderlust is strong in this one! 

I will probably continue on with going on new adventures for the rest of my life. You don’t have to come along for every one of them, but if you have the opportunity to come on some, then I would love to share those experiences with you! 

If you don’t have the time, or you don’t want to go, that’s fine too. Just know that I will still venture out on them, and I’ll see you when I get back.

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I can be a real dork sometimes! I hope you are too 😜

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I’m very open about pretty much everything in my writing and my videos. I share a lot of my life there, and you have to be comfortable with that. If this is a potential something, it’s going to be freaking hard if you’re not. 

And if you’re willing to join in on the fun, then that’s awesome! Could totally be down for having a good partner in crime😜

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I suck at fighting! That’s why I pretty much never do it. I’m all for a good discussion, but fighting does no one any good. And I have a hard time expressing myself if I get angry, so if (at the start of an argument) I tell you that I’m going for a walk, then let me. It’ll let me clear and gather my thoughts, and then I’ll be ready to talk. If I don’t get that space to breathe, nothing will make any sense and nothing good will come out of it. 

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 I’m a mom, and any potential someone has to be very aware of that going into a potential something. If I introduce you to my kid, that means that I’m serious. That’s a big sign of trust and faith in whatever this might be. 

He doesn’t need a new extra parent, that’s not what I’m saying, but he is a big part of my life, and if any potential someone wants to be a part of my life, then you’re immediately a part of his life too. That is not a responsibility that should be taken lightly. 

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In some ways I’m very traditional, in others I’m extremely open-minded. Let’s talk more about that over a few glasses of wine😝

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I’m 99% sure that I don’t want to have more kids. It’s not that I don’t love kids, and I’m not saying that someone could not be a potential someone if they themselves have children, but I have no urge to start all over with babies. I did the baby thing almost 11 years ago, and for me, that gap has just gotten too big now. So if you have a deep desire to grow a big family, then I’m probably not the girl for you. 

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I text when I’m drunk, so if you get weird messages and cryptic GIFs in the middle of the night, just don’t overthink it 😂

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I’m all about self-love and body positivity. If I hear you fat-shame anyone then we’re done! I have zero tolerance for bullying!

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Last, but not least: I love to cuddle ❤️

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And that’s where I’m ending this. Can’t give it all away! But maybe now you know a little bit more than you did before, and the rest I guess we’ll just have to figure out as we go✌🏻

 

 

Single with Love!

‘I know you enjoy being single and all, but don’t you miss love?’

She looked at me with judgemental eyes that were way easier to read than she probably wanted them to be.

‘Who says I don’t have love?’

When did not being in a relationship automatically become the same as lonely and without love? Just because I don’t share my rent with another person, suddenly I have no love in my life?

What a load of bullshit!

I’ve been single for almost a year now, and during that period of time I’ve met some amazing people. I’ve shared time and love with both men and women. Some are still in my life and some not. But they all have one thing in common; They’ve added something new to my life. They’ve helped me grow as a person. And through getting to know them, I also got to know myself a little better.

I have people in my life who’ve been there for many years. Friends I can’t even picture my life without. My best friends are my soulmates. The ones that I call when I need a shoulder to cry on, someone to laugh with or just to be distracted from my own thoughts. They are part of my roots, and no matter how far my lives branches stretch, they will always be connected to the those exact roots. Sometimes branches snap, but that doesn’t mean that they’re permanently broken. Over time a new branch will grow, and it will take a different shape than it had the last time around, but will still carry forth the most amazing leaves.

Some people didn’t stay around for that long. Some because they didn’t want to. Some because they couldn’t. I still love and miss them all. Because love is so much more than sharing your bed and your bills. Love is about connecting with people. It’s about growth and about being present.

Have I gotten my heart broken? Sure! Many times. Do I still love them? Absolutely!

The love might not be the same as it was, but it still lingers, like a distant memory. Because even if our relationship might change, it still contributed to my life and to the way that I love.

The beauty of cracks in a big heart is that even though it might bleed, the sunshine and warmth have more openings to enter through. I choose to be grateful for the love that I’ve experienced.

We fear the word love for being something that changes everything, but should we?  It’s been a long time since I feared the word love. Maybe I just love differently? Maybe it’s because I don’t believe in love being reserved for “the one”?

I like to say that I have too much love to give, for me to sit around and wait for one recipient. Because it’s better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all!

So to all of you wonderful people who’ve made my life to what it is today:

I love you! 

Tipsy Talk – Single at Pushing 30

To Be Alone

I’ve always had somewhat of a fear of being alone. That’s why I never stayed single for long and tried to have people around me most of the time in the past. But the past couple of years that has changed significantly. I’ve pondered over this as my love for being in my own company grew bit by bit and I’ve come to the conclusion that in my case it has to do with confidence. While I built up my confidence and started to really love myself, flaws and all, I started to enjoy my own company much more. The thought of being alone isn’t as frightening anymore and this combined with an irrational fear of relationships keeps me single and quite comfortable.

Do I want to share my life with someone?
Well, of course!
Do I stress the issue?
Not by far. It’ll happen when it happens.
And to have that thought comfortably in mind is quite a new thing for me and I’m exploring it to the fullest.

Yesterday I walked around in the city for almost an hour while listening to an audio book. I saw much of the city in a way I haven’t seen before.
I’ve done dinner and a movie on my own company. Going home to bed wasn’t as exciting, but I wasn’t disappointed either.
Today I went looking for furniture by myself. I enjoyed walking around in IKEA, planning how my next home is going to look like, touched upon the feeling of being the only one to do the decision making. It felt nice!

I do look forward to the future that is coming my way. Because now that I am comfortable, when I love myself for who I am, now I am finally in a place where I go for all that is good for my body, mind and soul. I’m very (probably annoyingly) optimistic about the future!

Easter is going to be a lot of writing and some good red wine. Some in company of good friends, but mostly in the company of the ginger that I have come to respect and love.

So I encourage you to enjoy your own company more often. Not by sitting at home by yourself, but by doing things you normally don’t do alone. You might be surprised 🙂