I can’t turn it off…

Do you know what I miss? I miss the time when I could pick up a book, disappear into it, and leave the troubles of the real world behind for a little while.

And before I say anything else, I am very aware of the privilege it is to allow oneself to escape. A lot of people in the world don’t have the luxury of doing so. And the trouble that a lot of people face every day is a lot worse than what I’m writing about here. But I just want to share my thoughts today because I feel like my brain is boiling over soon.

For the last four days, I’ve been feeling anxious, worried, stressed, and sad. My energy levels are just extremely low and my body is making it hard to do anything but to stay put. And while I know that there’s a perfectly good reason for the physical limitations I’m going through right now, it feels like it is just making everything else escalate and get worse in my own thinking box.

I’ve been trying to read for the last few days, but my mind wanders to all the news and worries that are popping up. It’s like a horrible Jack in the Box that constantly keeps popping up, but instead of some weird clown, it’s showing me all the things that are going on at the moment in the world that we are living in and it scares me. To be honest, I would rather have the clown popping up any day!

I read about and see people who just blatantly disregard the regulations and recommendations to try to get control over a global pandemic. People are mourning close friends and/or family taken away from them because of a virus, injustice, or both. Leaders of certain countries are allowed to keep on leading even though they outright lie and disrespect the people that they are supposed to protect. People who treat other people or animals like they’re not worth anything. Women and men fearing to be honest about who they are or what they feel.

There’s so much sadness, madness, and injustice in this world. Usually, I’m able to reroute my focus over to the beautiful, wonderful, and positive things in this world, but in the last few days, I’ve really been struggling to do so.

It feels like my mind is filled with noise and dark imagery and I can’t turn it off!

I know that I’m very lucky to have so much love and so many wonderful souls in my life, I don’t think I would be able to cope with all this without them. And I know that I will get through this dark fog and come out on the other side to find the sun shining on all the good things once again.

But for now, I’m just trying my best to take the time needed, to not feel guilty about all the things I don’t have the energy or headspace to get around to, and to not be afraid of reaching out to the loved ones around me.

These are challenging times for all of us, and we don’t have to act strong all the time, even though it’s hard.

I love you guys for taking the time to read and watch what it is that I create and put out there💛 It truly means the world to me, and it makes the rough days so much easier to get through.

You are beautiful! You matter! And it’s okay to not be okay🌻

Here’s what I think about mornings!

Most days I wake up with sleep still lingering in my eyes, and my body feeling heavy from the trip back from dreamland and into reality. But I also wake up being grateful for the fact that I get another day. I’m usually excited about what’s to come.

It took me a lot of years to realize that every morning is a new beginning. And every day is an opportunity for anything to happen.

On the days that I have to leave early for work, it makes me extra happy to see the sun come through my window to greet me. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t love to stay in bed for a few more hours, but when I actually do get up, it’s rare that I do so without a hint of a smile on my face, even though it is a sleepy one.

On the weekends, I love waking up to the sound of rain. Knowing that I have nowhere to rush off to. I can turn up the music, dance around in my pj’s and just enjoy the moment. Or, I can crawl out of bed, get comfy with a book on my couch and just stay there. Sometimes I even go so far that I get out of bed to make my morning coffee, just to bring it back into bed and stay there for as long as I feel like it. Because even though I love new experiences and adventures, I also love to spend a day doing absolutely nothing remotely productive at times. Well, except for reading of course. And that in itself is kind of like going on an adventure. So maybe they’re not so far apart after all.

During the summer I like to bring my morning coffee outside, together with some fresh fruit, and just sit and listen to the birds. It’s a wonderful thing to just enjoy the morning as a new beginning to what is yet unknown.

I like to think about what I am grateful for in the morning. If I have the time, I will write down five things that I am grateful for in my journal. If I’ve snoozed for too long, I try to make a mental list instead.

Those are most of my days. But there are other days. Other mornings. Once in a while, I will wake up and feel overwhelmed by the world. On those days the morning does not feel like an exciting start to a new adventure. On those days it feels like the morning is a heavy demon that sits on my chest and refuses to move. I can ask it nicely, scream at it, fight it, but it just won’t budge. It will stay put, looking down at me and start whispering all the things I don’t want to hear.

Those days are hard. Getting out of bed is a challenge on days like that.

Whether you’ve experienced the same thing or not, I just want you to know that it’s okay to have tough mornings as well as the good ones. Life is hard. It’s challenging and it will test us. Not every morning can be filled with singing birds and gratitude lists. Some mornings will suck, and that’s okay. Don’t let it get to you. Don’t let the bad days define you.

But I’m also here to remind you to be extra mindful of both the good and the bad mornings. Take notice of your feelings, and of what is going on in your life. Listen to your body, and to your inner voice.

Cherish the good morning! Learn from the bad ones ❤️

Wrinkles and White Hairs

I’ve had wrinkles around my mouth and my eyes for a few years already. I like to call them my smile lines.

I also have a line between my brows that I’ve had for a really long time. I call that one my worry line. I’m guessing it started showing in my early teens.

Last year I discovered my first white hair. We gingers usually go white instead of grey, and now it’s my turn to get the same change as Gandalf!

I told my grandmother on my dad’s side about my discovery last year, and she (who’s also a ginger) told me that by the time she turned 35, she had quite a lot of white hairs.

So what do I think about my signs of aging?

I’m all here for it! In a world where people spend a crazy amount of time and money trying to look younger than they are, so many have forgotten about what a privilege it is to be allowed to get older.

There are so many out there who aren’t that lucky.  

Every day young people are robbed from the opportunity of growing older. Some by accidents, some by illness, some by cruelty, and some by their own hands. We tend to forget the fact that every second that we live and breathe here on this planet, is nothing short of a bloody miracle!

I know that we all have hard days. Tough days where words like privilege, grateful and miracle don’t even come close to what we are really feeling. But even those days are days where we grow and are lucky to have the opportunity to learn from.

I see countless bloggers, YouTubers, and influencers who are trying to convince other women and men to get treatments for the signs of aging. I’m not here to try to do the same. I’m here to encourage you to see those signs as beauty and not flaws. What you choose to spend your time and money on is entirely up to you. Your body, your choice!

How lucky am I to have smiled so much throughout my life that the markings of them are permanently on my face for the world to see. What an interesting and eventful life I’ve had so far, and the worry line between my brows is one of the many proofs of the moments and hurdles that I’ve had to overcome.

I’m so blessed to be able to grow older and get white hair while I can watch my son becoming more and more of a little man. I’ve gotten to grow older with fantastic friends and wonderful family.

I still get to learn new things every day! How lucky I am! It’s enough to make my eyes water just to think about the fact that I’ve been so lucky to be able to live for as long as I have and experience the things that I’ve done. I can only hope that my journey will continue for many more years.

I think we all need to remind ourselves of this more often, myself included.

In a world where we are constantly bombarded with the message that we have to look like we never eat, we exercise all the time, while we live a fabulous life globetrotting the world and never aging a day, it’s hard to lose focus of what really matters, and just how lucky we often are.

Don’t let the media fool you into chasing an unrealistic beauty ideal or means to happiness. You are a freaking wonder; wrinkles, grey/white hairs, bumps and all! ❤️

Why My Favorite Seasons Changed

When I was younger I used to love the winter and fall season. When it started to get colder and darker, my mood just got better and better. Here in Norway, when it is at its darkest during the winter, we only get sunlight for a few hours a day, and I used to absolutely love it!

Today though, that answer suddenly came to me while I was walking my dog. It was around 9 pm and it was still light out.

The birds were singing and I was thinking about how everything outside of my apartment comes to life when spring finally comes.

That’s when it hit me.

That time of my life when I loved the darker and quieter seasons, those were the periods of my life where I felt most scared of new people. I was at my shyest, I was bullied, and I had no urge to get new friends. I was very happy with having an excuse to stay inside more, curled up with a book or having my best friends over.

Don’t get me wrong, I still love to curl up under a blanket with a good book, lighting candles, or just having close friends over during the darker seasons.

When I got to my mid-twenties, I started to really come out of my shell. I found real self-love and real self-confidence. And with that came a new found joy for getting to know new people.
Right around that time, there was a shift in a lot of my preferences, to be honest, and that’s when I started to crave the lighter and warmer seasons more.

I started to miss being in a city where I could walk out the door and be met with the sounds and feelings of being surrounded by life and light.

I do appreciate the colder seasons, the changes, and the wonders that Mother Earth shows us through them, but my heart now belongs to spring and summer.

That shy and insecure girl shows an appearance still, every now and then, but not that often.

Nowadays I’m a woman who walks out of my door, and the sound of the birds makes me smile, and the sensation of the sun on my skin makes me all warm inside. And whenever I get to be close to the water as well, I just feel a calmness that’s hard to explain.

We all change, and maybe my preferences for the seasons will change several times throughout my life. But at least now I know one of the reasons for this particular change in my past.

When it comes to the changes in my future; Time will tell❤️

You Can Miss Someone and Not Want Them Back

“I miss him.”

“Why? He broke your heart? You know he’s no good for you!”

Sounds familiar?

Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s perfectly okay to miss someone and not want them back! If you need it, then I hereby give you the total freedom to miss that someone. Just try to not get completely lost in it, and make decisions that you know aren’t good for you out from that feeling. Because the missing someone, we can’t really control, no matter how much we’d like to. But we are in control of our actions based on the feelings we feel.

And even though a relationship ended for all the right reasons, or all the wrong reasons, there is a good chance that you can still look back on that relationship and see some of the parts that was good about it. You’re allowed to miss that. Often it isn’t really about missing that someone anyways, it’s usually about missing what that someone made you feel.

How you smiled more, how your heart skipped a beat, how you impatiently looked forward to the next time you would see each other again, and how your body reacted to that other person’s touch, sounds and/or smells. It is only human that when someone or something that took up so much space in your everyday life, suddenly just doesn’t, that it takes some adjustment.

I believe that we find ourselves again after every breakup, and that someone we find is naturally different from the one we used to be.

Because who are we are tend to change when you and I turns into we, and as a couple we tend do evolve together as well as on our own. And when that evolved entity breaks apart, we are left with a part that feels unfinished. We feel broken, and after the grieving and the worst of the pain we start the search, not for the one, but for the one we want to be. And that someone isn’t always the one we used to be. Sometimes it’s someone entirely different. Sometimes it’s finding a whole new you.

Well, I guess everyone’s path to walk and way to process is different, but this is how I usually experience going through a breakup.

And even though I am very grateful and happy or all the experiences that I’ve had, and how much I’ve learned from them, I still find myself missing the good parts of relationships that obviously wasn’t meant to be.

I used to beat myself up about it, but I try not to do that anymore. Instead, I let the emotions go through me, then I remind myself of the thing that I don’t miss, and afterwards I make a mental list of what I can take away from the experiences. What have I learned about the things I want (and don’t want) in my life and in my relationships.

Life is a constant education, and we have to try our very best to make the most of it. Because life is short and love is precious. People can be cruel, but they can be pretty awe droppingly amazing too.

So, don’t beat yourself up for missing someone you don’t want back. Acknowledge the fact that after everything you’ve gone through, you’re still able to see the good things in all the hurt. You love yourself enough to miss the warm feeling of your own happiness.

Give yourself a big hug (or imagine that I’m giving you one) and then get out there and make some new memories.

You deserve that happiness❤️

About Growing Old

When you think about your own future, do you think you will grow old?
I asked a couple of my girlfriends this question out of curiosity, and because I’ve given this a lot of thought over the years.

Why?

Because in my mind I have a tiny voice that constantly tells me that I won’t get very old. I have no idea where this is coming from. My family in both sides have grown quite old, there’s been minimal to no terminal diseases and I live a pretty healthy lifestyle. Still, this tiny voice constantly reminds me of the fact that I should enjoy the time right now because I might not have that much time left.

It could be a result of the world we live in, where we see the environment rapidly falling to pieces because we fail when it comes to taking care of it, or maybe my body and mind already knows something that I am not aware of yet.

I have no idea.

But this is a fear and a constant reminder that I’m living with. Maybe it’s totally irrational (and I do hope that it is), or maybe it will make perfect sense. The point is that none of us know, and that’s the reason why we should always try to live our lives to the fullest ❤️

Sometimes Friendships End In Breakups

Friendship is a funny thing. Some last for years and years, while others for only a shorter period of time. Sometimes those who start out as acquaintances turn into friends, but other times it goes the other way around. Friends are so important to us all, but we also live out our own separate lives outside of the friendships that we have, and the time we spend with our friends will vary depending on how much time and energy we have on our hand.

Sometimes we will spend more time with certain friends than with our own family. Sometimes our friends become our family. Other times we are so wrapped up in work, kids, projects and such that we don’t get to see our friends nearly as much as we’d like to. There are even times when we don’t have what it takes to see them. When the state of our mental health is at a place where social interaction with even the people that we love the most feel like a struggle. And all of this is completely okay. It might be hard to deal with as the friend on the other side at times, just as much as the friend who’s struggling.

One thing that I find to be really hard is when I can’t really tell if a friend wants to stay a friend, or they want to move on. Just as romantic relationships sometimes come to an end, so do friendships at times.

But telling the difference between having a friend that’s just super busy, and a friend that maybe wants to move on without you, it can be hard. Maybe it’s mostly hard because it’s hard to let go. Especially when there’s a friendship that’s taken years to build. It’s hard to come to terms with all of that just going up into smoke.

Even so, there are times when the only right thing is to do exactly that; to let go.

It doesn’t mean that you would never let that friend back in, but when you’ve tried and tried again to keep the connection alive, there comes a time when you have to say;

“Look, I love you, but it feels like you’re not that interested in staying in touch at the moment and I don’t want to have to feel like I’m the only one trying. So now the ball is in your court. I will be here if you ever feel like doing something, but you’ll have to let me know if and when you want to.”

It might feel like a breakup. It might even be a breakup. But your life is short, and your time and energy is so, so valuable! Make sure you do not waste it. Set boundaries, and be honest while still being kind, not only to others, but to yourself as well❤️

How Easy We Take it for Granted

Let me tell you a little story…

Today while I was sitting at a cafe in Copenhagen, I sat next to a woman and her father. The woman was crying, obviously frustrated and distraught. Her dad stroked her shoulder, and then he stood up to go and use the restroom. She then picked up her phone and called someone. I couldn’t help but overhear the conversation, or at least one side of it.

Her voice was so sad, and she told her love on the other side of the line the long process they would now have to go through because of complications, before they can potentially start a life together in Denmark.

With tears running down her face, she explained how they wouldn’t be able to see each other for the next three months, just to make sure that everything was being done according to the rules.

They agreed on that being the best thing to do while another tear rolled down her cheek, and they finished their phone call with;

‘I love you.’

Three months away from the person you love, that’s a long time. I wanted to hug her, to let her know that everything would be fine, and that love always finds a way. But who would I be to say such a thing? I’m not even sure I believe that love conquers all anymore. I have no idea if they will be fine.

But it did hit me that getting to see and hear this kind of fighting for love is the complete opposite from what I usually see. It is the counterpart to my experiences of having something great and then just give it up. This is choosing to stay, choosing to not give up, to fight for the right to be able to be together.

How easy we take that for granted! Most people meet, fall in love, and then choose if they want to take it further or not, with no other complication than their own thoughts and worries. But out there, some people have to fight to be together. They have to go through months (or even years) of struggle and time apart, before someone else makes the decision for them, or they have to start all over with another new process.

This is why I stopped dating. Why I deleted all the apps. Because so far it has not lead me even close to something so real that both parties are willing to truly try, and to fight for it. And no, I’m not saying that everyone else is the problem, because I’ve found myself in the situation where the other party wants to jump, but I wasn’t ready to take the leap because it didn’t feel right.

Now, if I find love, I hope that I won’t have to go through all the trouble that the woman crying beside me in the cafe has to go through, but to find a love that is so strong that we would both be willing to fight that hard to be together. That it wouldn’t even be a question of if we should, but only a question of what has to be done, and how do we do it?

Let’s try to not forget how hard some people struggle and work out there, just for the right to be in the same country as the person they love. Let’s not take the love around us so easily for granted❤️

So that’s it. A little story time, and a bit of a pep talk. Wish you all a wonderful day filled with love and wonders!

I Get Lonely Too…

I love spending time in my own company.

But don’t you get lonely?

Of course I do!

So, this is a question I often get when I talk about self-love and being single. In a modern world where everyone is in such a rush to find the perfect job, the perfect partner, and to build the perfect life, I find myself in less and less of a rush to settle down.

Now don’t get me wrong, I would love to meet a partner in crime. I would love to have someone to drink coffee with in the morning, travel the world with, and make memories and have new experiences with. But even though I don’t have all of that in a man in my life right now, that doesn’t necessarily mean that I feel like something is missing in my life. I’m very lucky to have the wonderful people in my life that I have, to be able to travel, have food on the table, a bed to sleep in and a roof over my head. Even more so, I’m incredibly lucky to be able to have new experiences and make memories with my son!

But being grateful with my life as a single woman doesn’t mean that I never get lonely. And feeling lonely at times doesn’t mean that I’m unhappy.

My happiness isn’t solely based on the romantic relationships that I’m in, or in my case aren’t in at the moment. I work hard and I’m very mindful about how I treat myself and what kind of energy I surround myself with. Being happy isn’t something that magically happens when you get a partner. Being happy comes from gratitude, friendships, mindfulness, and self-love.

I love my life, even though I’m constantly working on reaching the goals and dreams I have set for myself. But the reason I find so much happiness in the life that I have is that it’s all I have. This, here, RIGHT NOW! It’s all that matters, and the only thing that’s for certain. We don’t know how long we get to stay, how many people we get to love, how many times we get to hug our friends and family. So why do we live in the past that has already left us, or the future that we have no guaranty of?

So yes, I am lonely sometimes, but this is all a journey, and is equally as much one, with or without a partner ❤️Make sure you enjoy it!

The Blind Leading the Blind

To be the mom of a soon-to-be teenager is a bit scary. I remember very well how difficult a time that can be. The hormones, the changes, the challenges. Just being comfortable in your own body that seems like a strangers vessel is challenging enough on its own.

And then you have the introduction to love, in some way or another. It could be a crush on someone, a relationship, or a friendship that evolves into something new and unfamiliar.

I find myself in the position now where I will be giving advice and hopefully help guide my son through some of the challenging bits of growing into an adult male.

The part I find the hardest, is giving advice on love. I would love to be able to tell my son that it gets easier as you get older, but the truth is that it doesn’t.

You learn as you go, and you find ways to cope with the darker sides of love, but it never really gets any easier. To be brokenhearted can be just as devastating when you’re 78, 45, 31 or 11 because the feelings you have at that moment is so raw and unfiltered. They flood you and take you by surprise no matter how much you ever might’ve thought that you were prepared for it.

As his mom, I will try my very best to be there whenever I can. To help him get through the rocky parts. Help him to see through the darkness that might come. I hope I get to be there for plenty of bright and good parts as well.

No matter how blind I may feel, and how difficult love is even at the age I am at now, at least I have a lot of experience. I’ve experienced the pain and the confusion, but also the joy and the magic.

I guess it’s unrealistic to expect of ourselves as parents to be able to give solutions to the problems that are far too complex to ever have a definitive right or wrong solution to it. Love is messy and weird, and in the end, the best thing for us all is probably to just work on communicating more. We need to talk about the things we experience and help each other.

We might all be blind leading the blind when it comes to love, so how about we stop leading, we sit down and we start talking and listening instead.

My dear son, I can’t promise you that I’ll always be able to fix your problems, but as long as I’m here you can always come to me, and I will listen. I will share what I know and what I’ve experienced, and then it’s up to you to choose what you want to do with that information, move onward, and then get your own experiences❤️

It’s a tricky ride, but it’s also a wonderful one. It is one that we all fear and love all at the same time. Blindly we are all in this together ❤️