Posts Tagged With: thoughts

The Mourning of Lost Love

A few weeks ago I watched Jason Silva talk about “The Rhapsody and Agony of Love” in this Shots of Awe video, and there was something he said that really stuck with me with me.

“What the fuck do we do? I’m still mourning. I’m still grieving for every love that I lost. How the fuck am I supposed to get over that? I didn’t sign up for these terms!”

Those words kept me up for hours after I should’ve gone to sleep. Anyone who knows me well (or read this blog for that matter) will know that I’m a hopeless romantic. I believe in the magic of love, and the power it has to change lives. I’ve loved and lost, and when it comes to being grateful as well as mourning lost love, I wrote a post about that not so long ago. You can find it here. 

What I haven’t talked about so often, but something that’s been a growing feeling I’ve had for a while now is that of uncertainty when it comes to relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe in love and romance, and I’m pretty sure I will fall in love again someday. But do I believe in happily ever after in relationships? I’m not so sure.

I’ve frequently been joking around with my friends, telling them that I’ve grown so comfortable with being alone that I fear I’ll never end up living together with someone again. I know that sounds pessimistic, but it really isn’t. This is a not a post for me to whine and rant about unavailable love. It’s more about the realisation that the fantasy of the one true love that so many live and breathe, isn’t a one size fits all kind of thing. It’s the idea that we might have to rethink the way we see relationships.. It’s the fact that I’ve been through the ups and downs of the wrong relationships, fallen in love with some amazing people that I’ve had to say goodbye to, I’ve had my heart broken and I’ve broken some along the way. Most of all, it’s the fact that I’m almost thirty years old now, I have a son and don’t want more kids, have no desire to gett married, and I refuse to just settle because “that’s what everyone does”.

I want to be blown away by love, but I’m not looking for perfection. Right now I’m not really looking for anything in particular, but if love should cross my path and swipe me off my feet, then I’m willing to give it a chance. My big heart might be full of cracks and scars, but it’s still open. It’s open for the possibilities of the future. And yet, I’m also slowing coming to terms with the idea that relationships just might not be the thing for me. Who knows. I guess I’ll just have to take it all as it comes and see what happens.

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Dinner at Night – POEM

Glasses with regrets

And plates with dreams

They enter in shadows

Darkness and silent screams

*

I ask them to sit

To enjoy every spoon

In this room lightened

By the hungry moon

*

They tell me their stories

As I listen and try

To understand their meaning

Without starting to cry

*

They leave me at sunrise

In an indefinable mood

I had dinner with my demons

And they ate all the food

*

©Christina de Vries – Geek Heaven

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Photo: Kirsti Hegre Backman

Want to see more of Kirsti’s pictures, go visit her website here:

Fotograf Hegre Backman

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I was thinking about enjoying myself…

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A while back I had some time to spare between a couple of meetings. What do writers do when they have time to spare? They order coffee and sit down to write of course!

I ordered myself a double soy latte and the barista that served me did not yell “DOUBLE SOY LATTE” when it was done. And he didn’t yell out my name as a Starbucks barista would do. He told me (with the biggest smile) that my coffee was ready, then he really looked me in the eyes and said:

‘Enjoy yourself!’

It might not sound like much, but in the instant those words hit me I thought:

‘Yes! I deserve this! I deserve to indulge myself a little extra and I definitely will! THANK YOU for reminding me!’

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In this day and age where it too often feels like time stretches too thin, the pressure gets to us all to be better, deliver perfectly, to compete (and win) and find time to everyone and everything, it’s way too easy to forget to slow down , enjoy the moment, to let go and to be mindful.

My life has been changing a lot the past few months, and to say that it’s been hectic would be an understatement for sure. But even though there’s been a lot going on (mostly with work) I’ve learnt a lot from it and really enjoyed every part of it. Getting into new routines, learning new things and facing new challenges. But in the blur of it all, I’ve forgotten to enjoy life as much as I usually do.

I haven’t been as present in those small moments of life that we so easily overlook and see as nothing but life passing by. Boy, how wrong are we to do so?!

Those moments are the ones that are really important to enjoy to the fullest! Those moments put together are what makes up our lives.

So wouldn’t you rather enjoy them than waste them?

So in the moment when I was handwriting this post in my notebook, I was listening to my favourite writing music, sipping on a delicious soy latte, making sure to really taste every flavour of it and doing this! The one thing that no matter how bad my day is or how sad I’m feeling, it completes me. Writing.

It’s the one thing that I enjoy no matter what, and I’m making sure that I enjoy it a little extra these days, just because the wonderful and serviceminded barista that served me, reminded me that I’ve earned the right to do so!

I hope gratitude got through to him, not only in my tip and words, but also through my eyes and smile.

Enjoy the small moments! They are your life!

Enjoy yourself!

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Late Night Thoughts and Coffee Cups

For some reason I always end up staying up late, immersed in my own thoughts and creativity whenever I go back home to my parents for a visit. Could be the change of scenery or maybe just the comfort of being on home base that brings out something that’s been tucked away for a while. 

Some of it probably comes from the deep conversations I have with close family and friends when I come around. They bring a lot of subjects and thoughts to the surface that I rarely touch on with other people in my everyday life. This is something that I’m extremely grateful for and definitely always look forward to when I’m going home, but it also makes for a bit of a bitter sweet experience. Late nights of writing and endless coffee refills (not that I need it. I’m pretty much immune to caffeine at this point!) has become sort of a routine. 

Over the past few days I’ve had a mini-vacation back to my hometown just to have some quality time with my family and friends, and to recharge my batteries for the hectic time to come. These last couple of days can definitely be described as interesting. Not that there’s much to tell that would be of any interest to anyone else but me, but the experience in general has just been wonderful. A lot of meaningful conversations, new ideas, reconnected friendships and lots and lots of good coffee. I crave these kind of inputs in my life on a regular basis, to clear my head a bit and to see my life and thoughts from a different perspective. It’s healthy for me, and I think a lot of people could benefit from similar experiences. We all need to step back a little from time to time, to really be able to see where everything is going and to really be able to understand ones needs. We get so caught up in everyday life (nothing wrong with that! We all live it.) that we push away the important thoughts and questions, storing them for a later and “more convenient” time. But the very truth and essence of everyday life is that it is exactly that: YOUR LIFE! It’s not the time that you wait around for life to actually start happening. It’s not the time where everything that goes down is of less significance because the events aren’t huge! It’s the everydays that mounts up to the life that you choose to live. 

I don’t knoe about you guys, but sometimes I need a little reminder of exactly that. And that’s what I love so much about coming home to the important people in my life that I don’t have around me as often as I’d like, in my everyday life. 

So I take the late nights, the deep thinking, the laughter, the crying, the joy, the pain, the tough questions, the light hearted jokes and all the cups of coffee. I take them all with so much gratefulness. Because in my experience, the only ones who takes you on that ride and asks the tough questions (and really listen to your answers as well) are the ones who truly cares about your well-being. Those are the people that I need to recharge and rethink. 

And to you (come on! Don’t pretend you don’t know who you are): 

Thank you! 

I probably don’t say that enough! Thank you! 

  

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My Hometown is Full of Ghosts

There’s a special feeling that comes over me whenever I go back to visit my hometown. It’s where I have most of my family and so many memories. A city that (even with its changes over the years) I can still trace in my mind, eyes closed, a million miles away from it. It’s the place that will always be “home” and I can definitely see myself moving back here someday. 

When I got back to my hometown this time around, I took a walk through the streets that I know so well. The paths that holds so many memories and stories. But there’s more to the town. It’s also filled with ghosts. My ghosts. I like to look at my past events as ghosts. They definitely don’t have to be the haunting, scary kind of ghosts, but more the kind that lurks around in the shaddows. And from time to time I can see their eyes looking back at me and it brings back a very special kind of feeling. 

I started writing a poem about this today, but it doesn’t feel right just yet. It will be up eventually, but I still wanted to write about it and share my thoughts on the subject. 

I think all hometowns, no matter where or what size, is full of past ghosts. The memories, lost dreams and events from everyones past taking some kind of form in the cracks of pavement, the trees that grow and the buildings that changes. In some ways out of sight, out of mind, until you revisit them. 

As I walked around I found out that even though I love my hometown, some of my own ghosts kind of scares me. They’re a reminder of some of the most difficult times in my life and having them stare me in the face can be quite hard. Sometimes they visit in no more than a slight shiver, and other times it’s like being smacked in the face with a heavy glove. Some ghosts are the wonderful kind, that embraces you in a careful wind, kisses you and the cheek and keep on walking. Some just likes to watch from far away. There are even some that I have a hard time recognizing for what they really are. 

Every hometown ghost is a part of me and the path I went on to become who I am today, and I choose to be grateful for that. But there are times when I fear that my ghosts could turn into demons. And that might be the most terrifying part of coming back. What if my hometown should suddenly morph into something that feels strange and alien to me. What if the traces of streets and memories falls into darkness and gets replaced by something completely different? Would I still feel the same?

  

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I was thinking about Christmas…

We’re already in the middle of December and I’m filled with Christmas spirit, and suddenly I felt the urge to write about Christmas. So here I go!

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My parents did an amazing job when I was a little girl, when it came to keeping Christmas magical for as long as possible. I remember the excitement of Christmas Eve. The smell of tree, the filled stockings, the taste of the food and the slight nervousness of Santa not showing up, or that I hadn’t made the nice list that year. 

Never once can I remember a Christmas that wasn’t magical and wonderful as a kid. And I count myself extremely lucky to be able to say that and truly mean it. I know there’s a lot of people out there that doesn’t share this experience when it comes to the Christmas holiday and that breaks my heart. 

I try my hardest to make December as wonderful for my kid as it was for me. That one month a year that’s filled with a little something more. More joy, more smiles and more magic. A sort og escape from everyday life, for the entirety of a month. To create memories that I hope he’ll treasure as an adult and carry on if he chooses to have kids of his own. 

There’s something so special about Christmas for me. I even love the hectic time of working in retail this time of year. The customers (most of them at least) are so giving, joyous and grateful. Qualities that I think we should work harder on keeping up the rest of the year as well. 

To remember that joy of giving. The excitement of putting smiles on other people’s faces.

So that’s what I try to do. To keep a little bit of Christmas magic in me every single day of the year. 

I wish I could share my love of Christmas with everyone who needs it, but that’s impossible. So instead I try to share it with the ones around me, hoping that a little bit will rub off on them. 

If all I get is an extra smile, that’s good enough for me! I’ll take it!

I wish you all a magical Christmas and a wonderful December!!

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I was thinking about growing up…

Last week my son turned eight years old! EIGHT! In danger of sounding like an utter cliché: Where did time go? 

I remember it like it was yesterday that he was just a little baby without words to express himself. But now he’s rapidly growing into someone that I get to know a little more everyday. 

I catch myself thinking back to when I was eight, trying to remember my biggest worries and joys. Some are easy and others not. As I get older it seems that a lot of my childhood memories get smooshed into one and it’s hard to pinpoint exactly which memories are from what age. 

So what did I really know when I was eight? 

I knew I wanted to be a writer, and I think I already was one. I made tiny books out of coloured paper and I wrote stories and gave them to people I loved. I still write and I still love it just as much! 

I knew that I wanted to be like the grown ups, because everything seemed so easy and accessible to them. I was wrong. Now I find myself wishing I could be that kid again. Knowing how complicated it really is to live a grown up life. To climb those trees and believe fairy tales. 

I knew that by the time I would turn twenty-five I would have found Mr. Right, be married and maybe think about starting a family. I was so wrong! Things rarely go according to plan. We all learn that the hard way. 

I knew that I loved books! That love has grown and grown and grown into something so big that I find it hard to put it into words. 

So I guess I knew some things, but I was obviously clueless and naive about others, but I think that’s sort of the beauty of growing up. Finding those things that expands and take roots inside of us. Those little seeds that are inside of us as children that actually starts to grow and refuses to leave. The branches that guides us to a place that we need to be. On a journey we need to go.

But along that journey, some branches die. Some seeds never sprouts, but maybe there’s a reason for that. It might hurt (like hell) but we learn from the pain as well if we refuse to let it defeat us. 

So now I watch my little boy whenever he’s caught up in his own thoughts and I wonder just where he travels. If some of his thoughts and adventures will be the same as mine. If some of my dreams and hopes will be shared with him. 

I wonder what he knows. Sometimes I ask him, but I think he likes to keep some of it to himself just like I did. 

I hope he dreams big and even bigger than big. I hope he reaches for them. I hope his inner tree of dreams grows so big that it almost doesn’t fit him, and that he climbs it all the way to the top and sees the world differently. 

I hope he grabs hold of a good branch whenever another one dies and breaks off. And if he do falls down I hope that he climbs right back up again and sees it as nothing else than a little setback. 

I hope that his life is filled with journeys that he will never forget.

But most of all I hope to be a part of it. If not by being there, then I hope he’ll want to share them with me. Tell me the stories of his life. The joys and the sorrows. I will never know all the answers to all of his questions, but I will always try to help. I will tell him about my climb up my tree, not for the purpose of telling him which branch to go to next. He’ll have to make those decisions for himself, but maybe my stories can help him to see the warning signs of a bad branch from time to time. 

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I Was Thinking About Silence

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When thinking about silence one can’t help to think about noise as well.

Wikipedia says this about noise:

Noise is a variety of sound. It means any unwanted sound. Sounds, particularly loud ones, that disturb people or make it difficult to hear wanted sounds, are noise.

Roland Barthes also observes that noise can be perceived either physiologically or psychologically. We perceive noise physiologically when we “hear” it. On the other hand, when we “listen” to a noise we are doing this psychologically.

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Yesterday we were taking the subway home from a barbecue and on this particular ride there were mostly party goers on their way out on the town. We’d had a little to drink as well, but not nearly as much as the people around us.

I have very little to no patience when it comes to drunk people if I’m not on the same level as them and the “kids” (yeah, I know that makes me sound old as hell) we shared the subway with yesterday was clearly on a whole other level!

Be young, have fun and explore your lives by all means, but why do you have to be so loud and obnoxious about it?!

There were screaming and breaking of bottles. Beyond loud conversations and burping.

I too kick my speaker volume up a couple of notches when I drink but I do not give everyone around me a headache. These “kids” did! 

At one point on that ride I just closed my eyes and wished for silence. I tried to concentrate on it and remember where I enjoy the most of it, but the truth is that there is a whole lot of noise all over the place these days.

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From a very young age I found my love for the late night hours and I think that has a lot to do with the silence. Those few hours when most of the lights are out, everyone is sound asleep and I can actually hear my own thoughts. 

I’ve dreamt about going away to some secluded island for a week or two just to write and relax all alone. No noise, no fuzz, just me and my own thoughts with no interruptions. This is still a dream that I hope will one day come true. 

Because even though I do enjoy that a lot of things are happening around me, I don’t think I take the mental breaks that I definitely should too often. I just stand there in the middle of all the noise and try to find something positive to focus my mind on. But maybe that just isn’t enough. Sometimes you have to remove yourself from it completely. One way I try to escape from it is by reading and that definitely works as long as the noise isn’t overpowering. 

But what about when your own thoughts and worries become noise inside your head? I’ve been there. Still struggle with it way too often, but I don’t really have a quick fix for it. I’ve decided to try meditation and mindfulness to see if that might help in moments like that, but the things that work for some might not work for others. Nevertheless I’m willing to try it out. 

This post is turning into a ramble without any particular direction so I will soon finish it, but I guess what it is that I’m trying to get across in these rambled words is that in a world filled with noise we must not forget to appreciate and find our own silence. 

It’s okay to take a break! It’s okay to log out and turn off! It’s okay to be silent! 

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I Was Thinking About Soulmates

If you Google the word soulmate, this is the definition that pops up first:

“A person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner.”

On Wikipedia I also found this:

In his dialogue The Symposium, Plato has Aristophanes present a story about soulmates. Aristophanes states that humans originally had four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces. He continues that there were three genders: man, woman and the “Androgynous”. Each with two sets of genitalia with the Androgynous having both male and female genitalia. The men were children of the sun, the women were children of the earth and the Androgynous were children of the moon, which was born of the sun and earth. It is said that humans had great strength at the time and threatened to conquer the gods. The gods were then faced with the prospect of destroying the humans with lightning as they had done with the Titans but then they would lose the tributes given to the gods by humans. Zeus developed a creative solution by splitting humans in half as punishment for humanity’s pride and doubling the number of humans who would give tribute to the gods. These split humans were in utter misery to the point where they would not eat and would perish so Apollo had sewn them up and reconstituted their bodies with the navel being the only remnant harkening back to their original form. Each human would then only have one set of genitalia and would forever long for his/her other half; the other half of his/her soul. It is said that when the two find each other, there is an unspoken understanding of one another, that they feel unified and would lie with each other in unity and would know no greater joy than that

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Two very interesting definitions of the term Soulmate.

I will share my own.

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I believe that a soulmate is a person that you feel naturally drawn to. An instant connection that cannot be explained in any other words. Someone who dares to tell you the truth even if it hurts. 

A soulmate is someone who cries with you, laughs with you and goes the distance. Someone who is always there even when you might feel like you don’t deserve it. 

They are the light that forces itself through the darkest of times and help you find your way. 

When i was younger I always thought about “The One” when I heard about the word soulmate, but now I see my closest friends as my soulmates. 

Relationships come and they go, but the friends that stay by me are the mates that matches my soul.

To me soulmates are more about friendships than lovers!

You guys are the ones that I love no matter what. The ones that I will always forgive. The ones I can never imagine my life without and I’m so incredibly grateful for having found you guys!

I know that I can always come to you with my joys and my sorrows and I love that you guys can do the same.  

I probably don’t tell you guys how much I love you as much as I should but I’m hoping that you know just how a big part of my life you are! You guys are my everything through thick and thin!

You guys are the best soulmates a gingerkid like me could ever have!

You guys know who you are!

*hugs and kisses*

  

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I Was Thinking About Hotels

I love staying in hotels!

Some people give me the weirdest look whenever utter this statement and I can understand that. If the person do a whole lot of traveling for work and sleeps more in strange places than at home, then of course it’s not going to be the most exciting of experiences. You’ll grow tired of going from place to place when the only place you might actually want to be is at home between your own sheets.

I on the other hand, don’t get to enjoy hotels as often as the traveling worker, so whenever I do get the chance it really is a fascinating experience. There’s just something so incredibly inspiring in staying somewhere new and different. And especially if the room/hotel has a lot of personality and history. And one of the things I enjoy the most is trying to get a feel of what kind of people that lives there besides me. Their stories, their lives and their next direction of choice as they leave the hotel.

At this very moment I’m sitting in my hotel bed in Gothenburg (away on a little family vacation) and the thoughts are rushing to all the stories and lives that this room (and all the others) are keeping as a secret from everyone else.

I’m sure there’s a whole lot of stuff that I don’t want to know about, but then again there are probably a whole lot of interesting history in every single place that I’ve ever stayed. Stories never told of life, love and loss. Of vacations, work and escape routes.

What if these walls could talk? 

For one thing they might be able to tell me why most of the staff in the restaurant had no sense of good customer service, but that’s not really what I want to hear. I want to know about the people that has stayed here, the ideas that came to life and the relationships that formed or ended. The turning points in people’s lives that suddenly appeared in a strange place away from home.

If the walls would talk to someone in the future, my stay here probably would not make the list of the most interesting tales. It would be the story of a ginger girl who sat in bed and wondered. She wondered about the past, the present and the future. And when the wonder factory got too full of wondering she had to let it out before the factory exploded. So she did what she had to do.

She wrote!

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